I consider myself pretty unfazed by weird crap on the internet, but every so often a game comes along that just buries the needle on the WTF-O-Meter. Today that game is "Heart-Pounding Magical Investigation", in our english language.
If you read a lot of gaming or japan related news, you've probably heard of it. If not, congratulations you lucky sod. The game is basically as follows. You play a high school kid who has to hunt witches. But the only way to identify them is to find their witch mark. And how does one do that? By touching them all over. Yep. Where did I put my scotch?
So the story is all just a pretense to grab boobs and touch asses using your DS stylus. I wonder what these clowns would have done with the power glove. Lots of gaming sites have posted their disgust over the concept and showed the box art or whatever. Well here at Game Fudge we like to go the extra mile for our dear readers. That's right, I actually sat down and played this pile of donkey diarrhea.
Maybe it was the sequel, actually. According to wikipedia this shit is a trilogy! When I first loaded it up, there was fruity music and cute characters everywhere. I was worried a child might buy this, mistaking it for a kids' game.
My fears were soon put to rest though. No kid would ever play this. It's boring as shit. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I played for over 30 minutes before I was anywhere near any position to touch anything. It was 30 minutes of holding Y to skip dialog and poke away at random icons on the map. Apparently molesting witches needs some intricate fucking back story.
From what I gather, it's sort of like Phoenix Wright. You need to collect evidence and build a case against them, then confront the witch. Then they challenged me to a witch fight that consisted of them walking across the screen and shooting magic balls which I had to deflect back. That was the closest to actual gameplay I ever got.
So when you finally beat them, you earn the right to "inspect" them or whatever. I'm no detective, but doesn't the fact that they were just shooting MAGIC BALLS at you pretty much close the case here? Whatever, I didn't invent this shit. Now LETS GRAB DEM RUDE TITTIES!!
This is the part where I ALMOST feel bad for the geeks who bought this. Basically there is a big picture of a girl and you just poke them everywhere with the stylus while they go OOH AHH and hearts fly out. You have to find which spot they like the most. For the one I did it seemed to be the face. I may be wrong here, but is it really a good idea to give pathetic nerds more misinformation about women? Yes, from what I hear being poked in the eyes and face is a real turn on...
So there you have it, everything you ever wanted to know about witch touching AND MORE! Now I'm off to drink away the pain of living. Till next time, WTF Japan?