Monday, May 31, 2010

Say Cheese!

I have to give props to Gears 2 and Halo 3. While I'm not particularly fond of the multiplayer in either of them, they do let you take screen shots of your matches. I thought I'd share some of my better photos.

This feature needs to be in more games.

MMOs - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly pt.2

As you might remember from the last article in our series, MMOs can be pretty awesome and fun to play. Well guess what? It's not all fairies and roses. So sit down and let's get ready to take a bite of this turd sandwich.

The Bad

As I said in the last article, much of the fun in MMOs is in the sense of discovery and team work. A lot of this stuff takes place mostly at lower levels. This is because like Scientology, you have to delve a bit deeper in most MMOs before their insidious nature becomes apparent.

When your character is a lower level, it usually takes a reasonable amount of exp to level up, you gain money at a decent rate from just doing quests and exploring. Equipment usually doesn't cost a ton and you can get by without a whole lot of gear. Life is good! You are drawn into this world and you get hooked. Then the grind begins.

As you reach mid-levels, the exp requirement to level begins to climb. Gear starts to cost more and to gain access to cool items and areas there are usually a few hoops you need to jump through. But you tell yourself, "Nah it's not that bad. Just 5000 more exp and I can wear my new armor!" So you play for another hour or two, level up and put on your armor. You feel awesome...for about a minute. Then you start looking at your next spell, or weapon, or ability. There's always something else just around the corner. The good old carrot on a stick!

As you keep playing exp requirements skyrocket, you don't find nearly enough money and most good weapons and armor are retardedly expensive or only available through difficult and time consuming quests. You play for hours just trying to level up, or get a rare piece of loot. At this point you're not really having much fun anymore, you're just grinding out another level. It's called grinding because that's exactly what it feels like. A boring, repetitive task. It's just like a job. It's even worse if you're like me and have a job you actually enjoy. Plus you are accomplishing something and getting REAL money!

Which brings me to my final point of this article, RMT. That stands for real money trading. Basically companies hire large amounts of people (usually Chinese) to play the game all day and just gather resources, then sell them to get in-game money. They then use their website to sell the game money for REAL money! Basically a digital sweatshop. And it works, because of how much of a fucking grind these games are.

Many people realize that "Hey, instead of playing the game for 5 hours to get 100 gold pieces, I can work at my job for 2 hours and just BUY 100 gold pieces. That saves me 3 hours!" Yes that's right folks, people will pay so they don't have to play this fucking game they are paying $10 a month to play. Why? Because they are completely addicted.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

It's Sabotage!

Over the past few weeks I've been playing The Saboteur, and I have to say I really have mixed feelings about this game. In many ways it encompasses almost everything I hate about video games and yet I still enjoyed playing it.

So what is The Saboteur? For those of you who don't know it's basically GTA set in WW2. And as you would expect from a video game, this sensitive subject matter treated with the dignity and respect it deserves; with a drunken Irishman, horny British agent, profane priest, and of coarse a big boobed female Nazi thrown in for good measure.

Aside from these one dimensional characters, what really sets the Saboteur back is the outdated the game design. Everything in this game is based off some sort of meter or chart. Wanted level, suspicious zones, restricted areas, disguise radiuses. You got to be a fucking cartographer to figure this shit out. And it makes no fucking sense. Someone sees you climbing up a building, that's suspicious, but get to the roof before you're meter is full, that's fine. Cause in this game, standing on a roof next to a sniper nest with dynamite in your hand, ain't strange at all.
Maybe if the developers could make up there minds on what this game was supposed to be they could have ironed out these wrinkles. I still can't tell if it wants to be a stealth game or an action game, neither of which work that well. Disguises are almost useless. Most of the time it's easier to stealth kill a guard in your street clothes. And action sequences only happen if you set off an alarm. In my mind alarm doesn't mean great time to kick some ass, it means shit I fucked up. Which leaves the whole thing feeling a bit hollow.

So you'd think with all this bitching I'd hate this game but like I said at the start I had a lot of fun. Blowing up shit is fun, killing Nazis is fun, racing through Paris is fun. All in all The Saboteur is a fun game, just remember to check your brain at the door.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Great Game Commercials

It just occurred to me that I haven't really seen any good game commercials on tv for a while. Check out these great ones from years gone by!

Sweet nostalgia...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Mega Movie

In case you haven't heard, some fans have made a full length, live-action, Mega Man movie. And I have to say it's pretty sweet. Good production values, decent story, and cheesy acting (in the good way). Granted I've only seen the first 10 minutes, so the rest of the movie may suck balls. Nonetheless, I have to give them props for putting this together. God knows Hollywood wouldn't have done any better.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Post in a Picture mk. 2

I'm tellin' ya!

Why Cartoons Based on Games Died Out

In an earlier post I was perplexed by the lack of video game inspired cartoons today. Well I think I finally figured out why they mostly died out.

Because they were fucking awful. All of them. Yeah, even that one you think is really cool. Sorry.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Secret Weapons - Gameboy Game Genie

Let me tell you a little story.

There once was a small boy who wished for a Gameboy more than anything in the whole world. Then one Christmas his parents finally succumbed to his crying and whining. Getting up at 5 AM and ripping that present open while everyone was still asleep, the boy experienced a moment of pure, unbridled exuberance. The only thing that could have topped that would be a visit from all four ninja turtles. But alas...

Soon the boy discovered that, like their NES counterparts, some Gameboy games were just bullshit hard for no reason. Never would he be able to beat Contra, or pass the final level of Nail 'n Scale. Tears of anguish rolled down his tiny cheeks. Such a tragedy.

But lo! In the distance, a shining beacon of hope emerged! Could it be??? Dare I say it? YES, IT IS!

GAME GENIE FOR GAMEBOY! Hallelujah, all his prayers were finally answered. Oh glorious day! Not only is this one of the coolest accessories for Gameboy, I'd go as far as to say it's one of the coolest, period. Let's have a look at this beauty.

Where the original Game Genie was pretty small and just went inside the NES, the Gameboy one has this long piece that goes down inside, and your gameboy wears it like a hat. It also has a cut-out so you can reach the power button easily. Neat! The cartridges plugged into it backward, and it even came with little stickers of some codes you could stick on the back of each cartridge. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT???

But wait. You see that little door on the back? Know what that's for? That's right, that compartment stored a tiny code book! I can't find any pictures of it but it was SO FUDGING NEAT! A feat of modern engineering for sure.

So thanks to the all powerful Game Genie, the little boy was finally able to beat all his games even the retarded ones like Bart vs the Juggernauts. He grew up to be strong and handsome and super cool. One time he made a game website that some people even read. And you know something else?


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Insanely Good Looking Indie Game

Apparently I'm outta the loop, but I just heard of this new indie game, Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet. It's hard to tell from the trailer if the game will be anything more than your standard shooter, but it looks amazing.

Game Fudge - Family Fun Edition®

It has recently come to my attention that some people are under the impression this website is not family friendly. To that I say:

EXCUUUUSE ME PRINCESS! Me so solly to have offended your delicate sensibilities!! I'm so worked up I could shart! Well here at Game Fudge, we are very responsive to constructive criticism. That's right, you brought this on yourselves.

Introducing the FAMILY FUN EDITION Yaaaaaaaaay! In this episode I am going to talk about a few games that morons can play with their retarded families. So come on mom, pops, rouse the young ones from their slumber and gather round for a drink from my font of knowledge. First up...


This game has been around for a long time, in various incarnations. Some are better than others, but for the most part they play pretty similar. Any of the good Bomberman games will support up to 4 players. The gameplay is pretty simple to grasp, which is very important when trying to explain it to people who think Mario is the most challenging game in existence.

There is ample opportunity to work together, help each other out or just blow each other up. Which is usually how it ends up at our house. It's one of those games that is just satisfying on some primal level, and you don't need a ton of dexterity to play.

Likelihood of erupting into a brawl: moderate


Looking at the box, and watching commercials you'd think this would be the ultimate family game. While it definitely holds some enjoyment for the family, it's not the best out there. My family would literally spend hours just customizing their guy and slapping each other. They didn't believe me when I told them that's not even the main part of the game. See what I am working with here??

Once you actually convince them to play a level, that's where the problems begin. The platforming in LBP can be sloppy at the best of times, so taking someone who is terrible at games to begin with and getting them to navigate through a level is nearly impossible.

The way the camera moves can also be disorienting, so it quickly becomes a cluster-fudge. Everyone trying to make the same jump, getting lost, falling in pits. It's a nightmare. Then you always have one person who is just terrible, and demands everyone wait for them so it devolves into playing retard round-up for an hour or two.

Likelihood of erupting into a brawl: High


Last but not least, my family's favorite game. It's available on ps2 and ps3, and plays like a pretty standard quiz show. The topics are broad, and the clues good enough that you can usually make an educated guess.

The fun is all in the presentation though. It comes with little electronic buzzers just like a real game show. You can pick from all kinds of funny characters, and even choose what you want your buzzer to sound like. The games are all very slick and fast-paced. It takes just about the right amount of time to complete, and it's always fun to show your family you're smarter than they are.

My favorite part though is the muppet that hosts the game, Buzz. He's such a hilarious little asshole. Finally a video game character I can relate to!

Likelihood of erupting into a brawl: Low

So there you have it kiddos. If monopoly is banned in your house like mine, give one of these games a try next time someone gets the terrible idea to have a family game night!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Treyarch WHY??

So yeah, the new Call of Duty trailer from Treyarch.

Why, why? Why did you feel the need to one-up Infinity Ward with even more crazy OORAH FUTURE WEAPONS FIGHTIN' TURRISTS bullcrap? There are some seriously amazing looking moments in there, but MW 2 burned me out on a lot of that stuff already. I would have much preferred a more straightforward 'Nam based Call of Duty.

You don't need to pack as many explosions and boat chase scenes as possible into every fucking frame. Moments like that are best used to punctuate key parts of the experience. When you are constantly bombarded with this stuff it actually starts to get annoying. Like jerker's cramp, sometimes you need to learn when to give it a rest.

Exploding crossbow bolts? Seriously? Go to your room and think about what you've done.

Obscure Moments in Gaming History - Pioneer LaserActive


War rages in Afghanistan, President Clinton announces his don't ask don't tell policy, and 80 million people tune out of the final episode Count Duckula.

In the midst of all this turmoil, Pioneer introduces a revolutionary new video game device; the LaserActive.
Using space age laser disc technology, this device would allow users to watch movies or play interactive video games in the comfort of their own home. And all for a mere 970 dollars.

But not to be out done Sega and NEC release add-on pacs for the device. For another 600 dollars each, users could play Sega Genesis, CD, or TurboGraphx games as well.
Now every school boy's dream of getting girls to play video games can come true, with the lure of karaoke. And with games like “I Will: The Story of London” and “Quiz Econosaurus” how could they resist.

The Pioneer LaserActive, another obscure moment in gaming history.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Games that shouldn't exist - Home Improvement

Does everybody know what TIME it is??

Time to play another piece of crap game!! ARRROOHOOHOH

Now on the list of games you'd never want to play, a game about the sitcom Home Improvement is probably right up there with Jerry Garcia Colonoscopy Simulator 2005. What the hell is there to even make a game ABOUT? Yeah, my favorite level is the one where Tim electrocutes himself and forgets Jill's birthday! The fact that someone actually thought this would make for an entertaining video game boggles my fucking MIND! Jaison doesn't think it's that strange of a concept, but he is a crazy man with crazy ideas.

To my knowledge, it was the first sitcom-based video game in existence. But then Jaison had to go and point out the ALF game for computer. To that I say, shut your pie hole Jaison quit ruining my illusions! Anyway ALF is probably way more fun than this piece of shit.

Basically, the game starts with one of the longest and most painfully boring intros of any super nintendo game EVER. The premise for this turd-stonking crap carton of a game is that Binford has decided to name some tools after Tim. But then someone steals them! Gasp. Instead of calling the cops like non-retardian people, he decides to follow clues that lead him to different movie sets. Of course they just happen to be populated by real dinosaurs, giant bugs, and other inane bullcrap.

You have a bunch of tools like nailguns and jackhammers, which are kind of cool. You have to collect nuts and bolts, and find the crates of tools or something? I don't know. I didn't get past the first level. The only part I found amusing was that whenever Tim jumps, it sounds like he is letting a righteous fart. The rest of the game made me want to watch re-runs of The Nanny instead. Yep, it's that bad.

Check out this video and make my pain yours.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

It Must Have Been the Box Art

Cause Sega Master System commercials rocked. I wanna buy one now. Hell I've seen Lamborghini ads that were less impressive.

Still don't believe me? Check this out:

Granted, the lack of screen shots probably didn't hurt. If only Nintendo was as smart marketing the Virtual Boy.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Awesome new Beat èm up!

I just saw this trailer today, this game looks AMAZING! You can really kick the shit out of guys! And the way your guy catches on fire sometimes, fucking AWESOME!

In case you can`t tell, I was being SARCASTIC. Also my keyboard is stuck on french or some shit.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hilarious F-Zero Rant

Here's a funny letter some guy wrote to nintendo, narrated by one of the goons at the Something Awful forums. Beware there are many swears. Hey that sort of rhymed...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Who Killed Adventure Games?

I do love me some adventure games. Well, I did before they sort of died out. They are trying to make a bit of a comeback with games like Zack and Wiki on Wii or Monkey Island on xbla, but for the most part I think they have had their day.

So what the hell happened? Who killed them off? Find out in this great article. The page layout isn't superb, but trust me it is a very good read.

Monday, May 10, 2010

MMOs - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly pt.1

Welcome to part one of our introduction to MMOs (Massive Multiplayer Online games) series. A lot of people who have never played an MMO tend to have a lot of misconceptions about what they are and why people go so insane over them. In this three part series I'm going to attempt to shed some light on the subject. Without further ado...

The Good

The first thing most people notice when they start playing their very first MMO is the sense of scale. You really feel like you are just an insignificant part of this massive living, breathing world. Sure games like Oblivion or Fallout 3 have huge worlds, but being the only player character, it sort of feels like those worlds revolve around you. Because, well they do.

As you walk around any town in an MMO you'll see any number of crazy things. Some guy riding by on a flying tiger? Sure. Another newbie being chased by rats, people trading, dueling, playing with pets. There is constantly something different happening and sometimes it's amazing to just sit and watch.

When you finally decide to venture out in the world, it feels like the landscape could go on forever. You feel like any monster out there could come along and eat your balls at any moment, yet you're still driven to explore and find out what's over the next hill. Exploring the world and discovering new monsters and loot is a huge part of what makes MMOs so engrossing.

But what fun is it exploring all by yourself? Even if you don't have any friends playing when you start, it's usually not too difficult to find a guild or group who is willing to help a newbie out. This isn't like playing on xbox live. There are assholes playing, for sure. But social interaction is a HUGE part of the MMO equation.

Making new friends and rivals from around the world, then fighting beside them against huge monsters is an incredible rush. Melee fighters swinging their weapons, mages backing them up with healing spells, rangers firing from the back lines. It's an amazing feeling when everyone is playing their part to bring down a colossal dragon. I've never experienced anything like it in any other game.

But fighting and gaining exp is only one thing to do. Lots of MMOs feature player run economies centered around trading, crafting, fishing, farming etc. There is literally ALWAYS something to do. You think "I've got five minutes before work, I'll check my plants and put some gems up for sale." or "Hmm I got an hour to kill before dinner, I'll try to get to level 15 so I can wear my new helmet." You can invest as little or as much time as you want and still accomplish something.

One thing people love to bitch about when it comes to MMOs is the monthly fee. Anyone who actually plays one will tell you that for the amount of entertainment they get out of it, the fee is very reasonable. Unlike other games, most MMOs actually grow and evolve over time. New quests, areas, items and monsters are added periodically. Things get changed, balanced, sometimes for the better or worse. But it's always exciting to see what the next update will bring with it.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

WTF Japan? - Windows 7

Ever want to see your hot new operating system personified as an anime girl? No? Well here you go.

I just vomited my brain out my ears. Thanks Japan!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Games I like - Snatcher

Like most people who were around to experience it at the time, I have an irrational fondness for the Sega CD. Mostly because of this game and Lunar. But Lunar is a story for another day. For today is Snatcher, Yaaaay.

If you haven't played it, that's ok not too many people have. If you've seen Blade Runner you have probably experienced enough of it. Snatcher was made by the same Kojima of Metal Gear fame, before he went off his fucking rocker with MGS 2. It borrows heavily from Blade Runner, Terminator and other sci-fi cyber punk sorts of movies.

The game is mostly a point and click adventure, with lots of voice acting and cool animated cutscenes. One reason I like it so much is that the story is very mature and well translated, which is somewhat of a rarity. You play as Gillian Seed, who is basically Deckard from Blade Runner. You are a member of J.U.N.K.E.R. which is an acronym for some task force but I'll be fucked if I remember what it stands for. You are sent to investigate and destroy humanoid robots called Snatchers, who kill their targets then assume their place in society.

While it borrows a lot of themes from other movies, the story is all it's own. Definitely Kojima at his best, with an incredibly detailed world, cool characters and some goofy humor so things don't get too serious.

Besides the point and click adventure gameplay, once in a while there are first person shooting segments which can be pretty challenging. It also supported the Konami light gun that came with Lethal Enforcers. How cool is that?

I remember seeing pictures of the Snatcher in magazines when it first came out and was blown away by the level of detail. Even today it still holds up remarkably well. It's a shame it really didn't sell well at the time, because it is a fantastic game.

If you like cyber punk, blade runner, or point and click adventures it's definitely worth tracking down a copy. Even if your Sega CD is broken like mine, you could still play it on PC with various emulators, or on PSP if you have custom firmware.

Friday, May 7, 2010

DICE Kicks Ass

Maybe you knew that already. Maybe you didn't. If you need proof, check out the Bad Company 2 Update coming to PS3 and 360.

This is fan-fucking-tastic, it's like a wishlist of everything I wanted them to fix about the game. When I read about the M60 and M1911 getting nerfed I played my air guitar so hard I sprained my wrist.

PC players are used to getting balance updates, bug fixes etc. But consoles rarely get the same sort of treatment. Live doesn't help matters any with their retarded fucking 'certification process'. In Call of Duty we were lucky to get the game-breaking glitches fixed, they wouldn't dream of touching the obviously bullshit weapon or perk balance, HELL NO. Could be worse though it could be Gears 2.

To me this says "We care and want you to have fun playing the game, even though we already have your money. So instead of sitting around eating bran so we can shit out another map pack in 4 months, we're going to balance some of these guns." DICE you are cool with this guy.

SF vs MK

After watching the Street Fighter Legacy video on Pacroid, I was reminded of a couple of great Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat videos I found on Newgrounds a few years back. The story is a little slow to begin with, but the action is well worth the wait.

Just click the ready button to start.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Secret Weapons - Kontrol Freek FPS Freek

Ever play a FPS online and feel like the other guys just plain have an unfair advantage? In these dark days of hackers and cheaters, let's just go ahead and assume they do. So let's teach those little bastards with an unfair advantage of our own.

Enter the FPS Freek. I first heard of these little doo-dads from another game nerd at work. I am always wary of attachments and crap that promise to magically enhance your gaming experience. I got burned by the power glove, NEVER AGAIN!!

Anyway he swears by them, and they got good reviews on the internet, plus they didn't cost much so I ordered a pair. They snap right on top of the analog sticks for both 360 and PS3, extending them by about 1 cm. "But how do that make it bettar??!?" I hear you ask. Jesus christ, hold on a minute I am getting there.

Allright I am about to drop some science on this house, so hold on to your dicks. Basically when you push the stick in a direction you first have to overcome the spring force, which keeps the stick centered. Raising the stick creates a longer lever which makes it easier to over come that force. This makes small and more precise movements easier. Word.

So does it work? Yeah it does, thanks for asking. Jaison and I both use them and while they might not be enough to make him a super pro like me, they definitely make a difference. I only use one on the right analog stick that I use for aiming. I find I don't really need one for movement anyway. Now I am owning noobs like a boss and my e-peen is bigger than ever. Thanks Kontrol Freek!

I give it 1 tombstone out of 1, because Jaison is going to kill me for giving away our secret.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

WTF Japan? - Michael Quest

Japan's tribute to the late, great King of Pop. This is the 3rd in the series, so look up the others if you enjoy it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Terrible Box Art Addendum

What a silly goose I am! I'd be remiss if I talked about the Master System without posting the crown jewel of this shitty box art empire.

Instead of planes, or missiles, or actual birds fighting we get this. A picture of the fucking cartridge. Well that's good I wasn't really sure if there was a game inside this box or a swarm of africanized bees. Phew that sure put all my bee related fears to rest! Thanks Sega.

Why the Sega Master System Failed

Two words, box art.

Sega managed to capture and distill the very essence of boredom with each and every piece of box art they created. Which is a shame because the actual games were quite good. I'm talking out of my ass here, but I'd bet money this is why the Master System failed in North America. Just look at this shit.

For comparison's sake, let's look at what the rest of the world got.

Oh Master System, we hardly knew ye.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Go Buy This Terrible Game!

Let's just get this out of the way first. In many respects, Deadly Premonition is a terrible game. The controls are clunkier than Silent Hill. The combat can be dull. The graphics are somewhere between Dreamcast and PS2 quality. The driving controls suck, and the dialog frequently enters so-bad-it's-good territory.

So why? Why do I want you to buy such a piece of shit? Am I retarded? Yeah, retarded like a fox. So for now just put away your damn Jump to Conclusions mat and listen. Despite (maybe even partially because of) all those things, Deadly Premonition is an amazing, one of a kind experience.

The game is about FBI agent York, who is sent to a small town in the boonies to investigate a brutal murder. Sound familiar? Yeah it does. But the execution is completely unique. The story is easily the highlight of the experience. With tons of twists and turns, interesting characters and some hilarious, or hilariously awful dialog the story always remains compelling.

This game also has a huge Twin Peaks vibe to it. There's tons of surreal imagery, and the dream sequences were obviously inspired by the show. There are plenty of nods and references to other TV/movies as well. The actual game plays like a sort of cross between Silent Hill, Heavy Rain and an open world game like GTA.

I could talk for hours about what makes this game so interesting, but it's like trying to explain why The Big Lebowski is so great to someone who hasn't seen it. Deadly Premonition is one of those games that really tries to do something unique, and while it doesn't always succeed I really have to give them props for not just crapping out some budget GTA or call of duty rip off. The game retails for 20 bucks new, which is a steal for this much entertainment.

Wouldn't you agree, Zack?