WTF Japan? - Consoles as Girls

Yet another bizarre fetish that I don't get. I guess this is what happens when you get old.... All I can say to this is:

WTF Japan? - God Hand Commercial

The best commercial for the best game. I can't believe I just remembered this.

WTF Japan? - Hyperdimension Neptunia

Konichiwa, kiddos! (That's japanese for What up?) It's time for another round of your favorite thing in the known universe, WTF Japan! We've got a real gem of a turd for you guys this week, a highly anticipated (Ok not really) JRPG exclusive to the PS3....Hyperdimension Neptunia (AKA a bunch of gibberish)!

In case you don't feel like clicking on that link (And who could blame you), this is a game that's supposed to be a parody of the current generation console wars, casting the Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, and the ill-begotten Sega Neptune (Yes, really) as super powered anime girls. You excited yet? You better fucking believe I am! I mean, what a novel idea. Now you fanboys can literally jerk off to your favorite console without feeling bad about it! (You probably should still feel bad though). And because I love you guys (And loathe myself), I sat down and actually played this....thing for a while.

When you start a new game, you're treated to a little intro where a book explains some crap to you. Then you get to watch the console...girl...abomination things yap at each other for a while. I cannot express in words how fucking painful this was so instead I will make a guttural sound.... NUUUUUUAAARGHHHH. The voices are piercing and shrill, with dialog so awful it had me mashing the skip button like it was a god damned quick time event. Also breast comparisons and the 'Wii' swearing like a sailor in the first 2 minutes. Can this game get worse? The gauntlet has been cast!

Next you get to your character (Who is a young girl, we are talking like 12 here) waking up and a super awkward cutscene of another girl on top of her 'bandaging' her chest....And the gauntlet has been picked up! Overall this game just gives me a really creepy vibe. Like my PS3 has uploaded me to some FBI watch list and Chris Hansen is going to pop out of my closet tonight like the Boogeyman in that Ghostbusters episode. I guess that is the point of the game, or something. There are young girls who transform into adults with rude titties...I don't know. I guess it is some kind of metaphor? Anyway thinking about this makes me want to drink bleach, so let's move onto the gameplay.

Now we get to the cherry on top of this shit sunday. Basically, imagine the worst JRPG you played on the PS2, now punch yourself in the nuts. That's about what it's like. The graphics and animation are absolutely terrible. The dungeons are basically corridors with nothing but a few chests in them. The combat is very basic. You stand there, trading attacks with your enemies ad nauseum. There is a sort of combo system in place, but it only elevates it above the level of 'completely intolerable'. You can't even use healing items yourself. You need to set an 'Item Skill' that will make them use it when they hit a certain health percentage. Only they won't always, which is retarded.

I soldiered on through the first two dungeons, but that is as far as my brain would let me go. Nothing else really noteworthy even happened. The most offensive thing about this game is that it is just boring as hell. I'm sure some nerds will suffer through it in hopes of seeing naked animes or something. I can't think of any other reason anyone would want to play it. I'm going to close this one by quoting a great man.

WTF Japan? - Urinal Games

I hope this doesn't mean I need a quarter to use the urinal.

WTF Japan? - Engrish Grab Bag

This site has a good list of 100 top Engrish quotes. Here are a few of my favorites.

WTF Japan? Boong ga Boong ga

We all know there are some pretty weird arcade games out there. Like ones that simulate dancing, or punching your boss. But I can honestly say this is the first time I have seen one that simulates sticking your fingers up someone's ass.

The object of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is to score points by spanking or performing kancho on a model of a human posterior embedded in the game's cabinet. A plastic finger is attached to the machine for players to perform the latter.

The game features eight characters players can punish: "Ex-Girlfriend", "Ex-Boyfriend", "Gangster", "Mother in Law", "Gold-digger", "Prostitute", "Child molester" and "Con-artist". During gameplay, the facial expression of the chosen character is displayed on a monitor.

The game also dispenses cards that rates players on their "sexual behavior", and for players who perform exceptionally well the machine will dispense a small plastic trophy in the shape of a pile of feces.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that this exists or the fact that they enjoy sticking their fingers up people's asses enough to make up a name for the technique.

WTF Japan? - Left 4 Dead Anime

This would probably be 100 times better than whatever the anime actually is about.

WTF Japan? - Dead Rising 2 Promotion

This one's for you, Jaison.

I guess the only way to promote a game with this much tits and ass is to film some girl's tits and ass while she plays it. Brilliant, guys.

WTF Japan? - Galgun

So here's what looks like a regular shitty old lightgun game, but instead of shooting bad guys or monsters you shoot little girls to make them fall in love with you.

I know it's the title of the article and all, but seriously....the FUCK japan?

WTF Japan? - Kung Fu Rider

Among the onslaught of aggressively retarded games released every day around the world, it's a pleasant surprise when something absurd, yet somehow wacky and endearing comes out of Japan for a change.

Introducing Kung Fu Rider, made to work with the PS3's Move controller. You play as a man or woman and race down busy streets on your choice of office furniture, vacuum cleaners, or shopping carts. It looks absolutely hilarious.

Shame though, it's getting pretty bad reviews as apparently the motion control is terrible. Why am I having power glove flashbacks again?

WTF Japan? - Terrible names

I know I rip on some pretty blatantly weird stuff coming out of Japan, but here's something that seems to slip by unnoticed by a lot of people. Awkward, engrish-y names. I know some things are hard to localize, but jesus someone needs to try harder. I will list a few from recent memory and why they are awful.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep - How the hell do you get born by sleeping? If it was really that easy maybe women wouldn't need to get a needle into their spine!

Kingdom hearts: 358/2 Days - How do you even pronounce this one? Three fifty-eight over two days? Three hundred and fifty-eight divided by two days? This name makes me so angry I don't ever want to play a KH game.

Final Fantasy Versus 13 - Is it a sequel to FF 13? Actually no, it's not related at all. So why not call it FF 14? WHOOOOO KNOWS!

Blazblue: Calamity Trigger - I like this game and even I will admit the name is retarded. It's actually pronounced Blazeblue, which is slightly better so why not include the E? It's not wheel of fortune you don't gotta buy a fucking vowel! And what is a calamity trigger? Is it like an item you use to trigger a calamity? I have beaten this game and I still don't even know.

Blazblue: Continuum Shift - It's like they're trying to one-up themselves here with nonsensical crap. Continuum Shift sounds more like a corporate buzzword. Next up, Blazblue: Leverage Synergy.

Parasite Eve: The Third Birthday - So I guess they are trying to say its the third PE game? Why not call it Parasite Eve 3? If this game doesn't actually take place at a birthday party I will be super pissed.

Metroid: Other M - What is the other M?? Is it Mayonnaise? Mullets? Micromachines?? Ten bucks says they never even explain this one in the game.

Infinite Undiscovery - How exactly do you un-discover something anyway? We call that hiding stuff, genius. But it's also INFINITE! I picture a game about a guy that goes around burying treasure forever. That's probably more interesting than whatever the game is actually about.

Infinite Space - I love how redundant it is, without really telling us anything about the game.

Demon's Souls - Not a bad name, but the "apostrophe s" throws it all off. They weren't content with Demon Souls, they had to make sure we understand that these are the souls possessed by the demons.

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor - I can't comment on the first half, because I have no idea what it means. But how do you survive the freaking DEVIL? Or does it mean that you ARE the devil and you've survived? Or is it based on the hit reality tv series, Survivor? So many questions, so few answers...

Flower, Sun, and Rain - This sounds like a gardening simulator, but it's actually a murder mystery. Neat.

Arc Rise Fantasia - Maybe if you're a fan of these games you know what this means. To me it's just gibberish.

Monster Hunter Tri - So this is monster hunter 3, basically. But they were too cool to call it that so it's Tri instead. Nice try guys, I see through your little charade.

WTF Japan? - Metal Wolf Chaos

If you're like me you've probably asked yourself at least once, "What are 2 things that Japan has a huge boner for?" Giant fighting robots and America, of course! I guess it was just a matter of time before someone had the idea to combine them. And this unholy union bestowed upon us Metal Wolf CHAOS!!!!

All the games I've posted so far have been awful, or at least cringe worthy. This is the first entry in this segment that is WTF in a good way. Sadly it's also the only one I couldn't get my hands on a copy to play. I know, I know. I am a huge disappointment. Just ask my parents. But I still couldn't pass up a chance to talk about this amazing game.

Like the plot of any good Harrison Ford movie, this game follows the President of the great United States of America as he pilots a giant fighting robot into space and blows shit up in an effort to defeat his vice president who has staged a coup d'etat. Sound awesome? You have no freaking idea.

This game was made by From Software who brought us great mecha games like Armored Core and Chromehounds. The game looks like a crazier, more fun version of Armored Core. I'm actually very surprised it never got a North American release, as the game includes full english voice acting as well (It's terrible though).

I'm really not sure why Japan is so fascinated by the country that dropped a few nuclear bombs on them half a century ago, but I'm glad it leads to hilarious stuff like this. It's over the top in all the right ways. It doesn't even seem like a parody, these guys really do think the president is an ungodly ass-kicking machine.

But enough talk, check out this video, RRRIIIICHARD!!!

WTF Japan? - E3 Edition

I am honestly having a hard time telling if this is some sort of prank, or they really thought it would be a good idea to let these guys get up on stage. I know the language barrier accounts for something, but I'm pretty sure they are still fucking insane in any language.

WTF Japan? - Windows 7

Ever want to see your hot new operating system personified as an anime girl? No? Well here you go.



I just vomited my brain out my ears. Thanks Japan!

WTF Japan? - Michael Quest

Japan's tribute to the late, great King of Pop. This is the 3rd in the series, so look up the others if you enjoy it.

WTF Japan? - Doki Doki Majo Shinpan

I consider myself pretty unfazed by weird crap on the internet, but every so often a game comes along that just buries the needle on the WTF-O-Meter. Today that game is "Heart-Pounding Magical Investigation", in our english language.

If you read a lot of gaming or japan related news, you've probably heard of it. If not, congratulations you lucky sod. The game is basically as follows. You play a high school kid who has to hunt witches. But the only way to identify them is to find their witch mark. And how does one do that? By touching them all over. Yep. Where did I put my scotch?

So the story is all just a pretense to grab boobs and touch asses using your DS stylus. I wonder what these clowns would have done with the power glove. Lots of gaming sites have posted their disgust over the concept and showed the box art or whatever. Well here at Game Fudge we like to go the extra mile for our dear readers. That's right, I actually sat down and played this pile of donkey diarrhea.

Maybe it was the sequel, actually. According to wikipedia this shit is a trilogy! When I first loaded it up, there was fruity music and cute characters everywhere. I was worried a child might buy this, mistaking it for a kids' game.

My fears were soon put to rest though. No kid would ever play this. It's boring as shit. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I played for over 30 minutes before I was anywhere near any position to touch anything. It was 30 minutes of holding Y to skip dialog and poke away at random icons on the map. Apparently molesting witches needs some intricate fucking back story.

From what I gather, it's sort of like Phoenix Wright. You need to collect evidence and build a case against them, then confront the witch. Then they challenged me to a witch fight that consisted of them walking across the screen and shooting magic balls which I had to deflect back. That was the closest to actual gameplay I ever got.

So when you finally beat them, you earn the right to "inspect" them or whatever. I'm no detective, but doesn't the fact that they were just shooting MAGIC BALLS at you pretty much close the case here? Whatever, I didn't invent this shit. Now LETS GRAB DEM RUDE TITTIES!!

This is the part where I ALMOST feel bad for the geeks who bought this. Basically there is a big picture of a girl and you just poke them everywhere with the stylus while they go OOH AHH and hearts fly out. You have to find which spot they like the most. For the one I did it seemed to be the face. I may be wrong here, but is it really a good idea to give pathetic nerds more misinformation about women? Yes, from what I hear being poked in the eyes and face is a real turn on...

So there you have it, everything you ever wanted to know about witch touching AND MORE! Now I'm off to drink away the pain of living. Till next time, WTF Japan?

WTF Japan? - Toilet Kids

Welcome to the new segment I am calling 'WTF Japan?' where I talk a little about some of my favorite batshit crazy japanese games. Lord knows there are a few of them. Anyway, first up is....

Toilet kids! As you probably deciphered from the title, the main theme here is toilets. Congratulations you genius. The plot centers around a young boy who gets up to take a whiz in the middle of the night. But instead of just pissing in the clothes hamper (I swear, it is like RIGHT next to the toilet!) he is instead shot into the air by his high pressure bidet and transported to a magical land.

It's like Alice in Wonderland with feces. Anyway, the game itself actually plays like a standard shoot 'em up. You fly through the air shooting various pee and crap themed enemies including but not limited to: flies, turtles with poop for shells, urinals, spiders that look like testicles, and frogs that shoot dingleberries. Your goal as far as I can tell is to collect golden turds...Yep, never thought I'd write that sentence.

My brain hit it's emergency shutdown switch about three sentences in, so watch this damn video while I try to escape this horrible nightmare.



WTF Japan?