Tuesday, February 22, 2011

WTF Japan? - Hyperdimension Neptunia

Konichiwa, kiddos! (That's japanese for What up?) It's time for another round of your favorite thing in the known universe, WTF Japan! We've got a real gem of a turd for you guys this week, a highly anticipated (Ok not really) JRPG exclusive to the PS3....Hyperdimension Neptunia (AKA a bunch of gibberish)!

In case you don't feel like clicking on that link (And who could blame you), this is a game that's supposed to be a parody of the current generation console wars, casting the Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, and the ill-begotten Sega Neptune (Yes, really) as super powered anime girls. You excited yet? You better fucking believe I am! I mean, what a novel idea. Now you fanboys can literally jerk off to your favorite console without feeling bad about it! (You probably should still feel bad though). And because I love you guys (And loathe myself), I sat down and actually played this....thing for a while.

When you start a new game, you're treated to a little intro where a book explains some crap to you. Then you get to watch the console...girl...abomination things yap at each other for a while. I cannot express in words how fucking painful this was so instead I will make a guttural sound.... NUUUUUUAAARGHHHH. The voices are piercing and shrill, with dialog so awful it had me mashing the skip button like it was a god damned quick time event. Also breast comparisons and the 'Wii' swearing like a sailor in the first 2 minutes. Can this game get worse? The gauntlet has been cast!

Next you get to your character (Who is a young girl, we are talking like 12 here) waking up and a super awkward cutscene of another girl on top of her 'bandaging' her chest....And the gauntlet has been picked up! Overall this game just gives me a really creepy vibe. Like my PS3 has uploaded me to some FBI watch list and Chris Hansen is going to pop out of my closet tonight like the Boogeyman in that Ghostbusters episode. I guess that is the point of the game, or something. There are young girls who transform into adults with rude titties...I don't know. I guess it is some kind of metaphor? Anyway thinking about this makes me want to drink bleach, so let's move onto the gameplay.

Now we get to the cherry on top of this shit sunday. Basically, imagine the worst JRPG you played on the PS2, now punch yourself in the nuts. That's about what it's like. The graphics and animation are absolutely terrible. The dungeons are basically corridors with nothing but a few chests in them. The combat is very basic. You stand there, trading attacks with your enemies ad nauseum. There is a sort of combo system in place, but it only elevates it above the level of 'completely intolerable'. You can't even use healing items yourself. You need to set an 'Item Skill' that will make them use it when they hit a certain health percentage. Only they won't always, which is retarded.
I soldiered on through the first two dungeons, but that is as far as my brain would let me go. Nothing else really noteworthy even happened. The most offensive thing about this game is that it is just boring as hell. I'm sure some nerds will suffer through it in hopes of seeing naked animes or something. I can't think of any other reason anyone would want to play it. I'm going to close this one by quoting a great man.


  1. Did you rent this game? I can't imagine you purchased it?

    This is how I feel about most Japan games, 90% of anime to me is like have my faceholes flushed out with salt.

  2. I can't help but notice this game is getting on people's nerves. I can't see why though. I am enjoying this game, immensely. The humor and many references are entertaining as well as the dialogue between characters. That being said, I am greatly excited for the release of MK2.