Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Move® It On Over

After receiving Playstation Move for xmas and spending a few hours flailing my arms like a demented air traffic controller, here are some of my impressions so far. I hope this really moves you. Hurr de durr dur *fart*

Before I start I will just have to say that whoever designs buttons at Sony is a moron. The trigger button is marked with an upside down T, and the top button is some kind of wave thing. What the hell is wrong with marking them A and B? Or keeping with their stupid shape theme, trapezoid and rhombus? Anything would be better than "Press upside down T button to continue."

Anyway the first game I tried was Sports Champions which came with it. This was a really good choice for showing off the Move's capabilities. There are various sports like archery, ping pong, bocce, volleyball, sword fighting and frisbee golf. All of these games use the controller in different ways and show off just how accurate the motion tracking can be.

They are all very entertaining and fun, with the exception of frisbee golf which is like punishment from God. Just when you think you've got a good handle on throwing the frisbee, the game pulls down its pants and lets a big juicy fart right in your face. Thankfully the AI seems as baffled by it as you are, on easy difficulty its like watching a warm up match at the special olympics.

Volleyball is more of a quicktime event, as you don't really control your guy, but you have to do the gestures at the right time to hit the ball. That's ok with me because I am fat and all this movement tires me out anyway. Many people don't like it though. Damn volleyball purists.

Archery is a lot of fun, but when using the 2nd controller to aim the bow I always have issues getting the game to detect it properly. I always have to aim it way up in the air and it's super uncomfortable. Bocce and ping pong seem to work the best and are probably the most fun of them all. The in-game characters are all well modeled and animated versions of your favorite ethnic stereotypes. I prefer playing as Dallas, but Giselle has got the serious ghetto booty.

The other game I tried was The Shoot. It tracks the movements and gestures of the controller very well, but is otherwise a rather shitty game. Instead of shooting bad guys and robots, you are actually only shooting fake movie cowboys and robots. It's pretty lame, but also very meta when you think about it. You have to unlock 2 player levels by collecting poster pieces in the levels, which is retarded when you just want to play with a friend from the get-go.

So overall I am impressed by the capabilities of the Move. It's easy to set up, and very simple to calibrate. You just plug in the camera, turn on the controller and aim it at the TV. I am somewhat disappointed by the software so far, but I sort of expected that. I am excited to see what games will be released as we move into the future.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Game Over Man

Dead Space 2 : Cocked, Locked and Ready to Dismember!

With Black Ops come and gone, Dead Space 2 is the next release circled on my calendar in big red marker (January 25th). I loved the first one dearly and even own 2 copies of the pre-order art book (With 3D glasses!).

I was originally put off by some of the changes for the sequel (New suit design, talking Isaac, etc). But after reading a thread on Something Awful where one of the developers shows up and answers some people's questions regarding the game, I am officially fully stoked again. He talks about things like the flamethrower being improved, and the game being around 50% longer than the first Dead Space. My pants are getting tighter by the second. He even talks about why Dante's Inferno turned out to be such a turd, despite a lot of hard work by some very dedicated people.

As long as it's not stupid expensive, I think I'll be picking up the collector's edition of DS 2.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's Over 9000?!?

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank all our readers for visiting the website over 9000 times.

We hope you all have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwazy Kwanzaa and a Festive Festivus. We'd also like to take this time to make a promise for the new year. We promise to do our best to provide loads of mediocre content, crass humor and biased opinions for 2011! Best wishes and Godspeed, little doodle.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dead Space 2 Demo Impressions

First I just want to say that Dead Space is probably my favorite game of this console generation, so my expectations for the sequel are pretty unrealistic. After playing the demo though, I can honestly say my expectations have been met or exceeded in just about every way.

Just a quick warning, if you intend to play the first game don't watch the cutscene at the start of the demo. It spoils some major plot points of the original Dead Space. Though DS 1 costs like 10 bucks now so you have literally no excuse not to have played it by now.

Anyway, the demo confines you to normal difficulty which kind of sucks because the first game was meant to be played on Hard mode. Still it gives you a good taste of the gameplay, which feels very similar to the first game. If it ain't broken... There are some subtle improvements though. Aiming uses a fixed reticule instead of a laser that projects onto your targets. This makes hitting things like those stupid tentacle monsters way easier. You can switch back to the old style at any time. The guns all have great reload animations. You can fly around in zero G which is cool I guess, but I think I enjoyed walking on walls/ceilings more.

One thing I am still not sold on is the decision to make Isaac talk. I understand wanting to make him more of a hero character, but I dunno. I kind of preferred it when he kept his yap shut. At least then I could pretend he was saying cool things instead of being a whiney bitch. My Isaac would say things like "Don't go to pieces." or "You have been disarmed." I'll give it time though, maybe this Isaac will grow on me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Alan Wake - First Impressions

So now that I am a couple hours into the game, I will give my official first impressions of Alan Wake. I stayed away from previews and reviews to keep from spoiling the surprises, so I wasn't sure what to expect. So far I will say that it's scary, but also pretty damn goofy at times.

What do I mean by goofy? Well like it's trying way too hard. Take Silent Hill for example. It's just scary, it doesn't have to tell you how scary it is every 5 minutes. It's all like "Yeah, we got demon babies and sexy demon nurses, so what?" At the very start of Alan Wake (Minor spoiler) the body of a dead hitchhiker disappears. Then it appears above you as a black, faceless demon wielding an axe. At this point I was shitting my pants. Then it stands there and tells Alan what a terrible writer he is. Stuff like "Aallaaan you will never win a pulitzer prize!" or "Aalaann your books are worse than Choose-your-own adventures!"

At this point I was laughing too hard to continue. "Please, chop my face off if you want but stop with this verbal abuse!!" The goofiness isn't just with the story either. For some reason they felt the need to include collectible doo-dads to satisfy achievement whores and people with OCD. So there are 100 Thermoses hidden in the game. It's like, how many fucking thermoses does a guy need? You never see him even use a thermos in the game.

Another thing you have to collect is pages of Alan's unfinished manuscript. Aside from being another time-waster, it also gives you a little more backstory about what's going on around you. It's also kind of funny because for a game that's supposed to be about this successful horror/thriller author, Alan is kind of a crappy writer. One page I picked up said something like "The axe murder raised his axe toward me and it dripped with the blood of his victims." Very riveting stuff there, Al.

Despite all this, I am still really enjoying the game. It looks good and has tons of atmosphere. I have to give them credit for some great level design. Instead of the standard creepy schoolhouse, creepy orphanage, creepy hospital, the state park is a memorable setting. The controls are tight and combat is satisfying. The voice acting is excellent and aside from the goofiness, the story keeps your interest.

Dead Space 2 Demo

The Dead Space 2 demo is now up on Xbox marketplace. All boners engaged! That will be all.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Good Bargains at Staples®?!

I don't know about you guys, but when I think of buying games, stores like Staples Business Depot don't usually come to mind. They're usually way overpriced on ancient stock. So naturally I was pretty surprised when I stopped by our local store tonight to look at a new computer chair (My fat ass sundered the old one).

I don't know if this is a local thing or Canada-wide, but they had pretty much all their PS3, Wii and 360 games for 17-20 bucks. This includes titles like Super Street Fighter, Splinter Cell Conviction, Prince of Persia, Bioshock 2, Demon's Souls, Alan Wake, AVP, and the Saboteur.

I picked up Alan Wake because it looks fun but I couldn't justify spending 50 bucks on it. This could be your chance to pick up a cheap gift if someone on your list is a gamer, or you've been waiting for some of these titles to drop in price.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

X-Box Faceplates We Hardly Knew Ye

In this recent story reported by IGN, Albert Penello, Director of Global Marking confirms that Microsoft is discontinuing custom faceplates for the 360 on the grounds that "Nobody bought them". He also claims that "Everyone wanted faceplates for their cell phone, so it seemed like a good idea."

I find it hard to believe that this tard is in charge of their global marketing when he can't even comprehend why people won't spend 20 bucks on a piece of fucking colored plastic. He went on to say "We don't ever create an accessory with the intent of having it fail".

No you just create shitty, overpriced accessories and let them fail on their own.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

WTF Japan? - Urinal Games

I hope this doesn't mean I need a quarter to use the urinal.

Have a Humble X-mas

So in case some of you guys haven't heard yet, there is another Humble Indie Bundle out this holiday season. You get 5 awesome indie games: Braid, Machinarium, Cortex Command, Osmos and Revenge of the Titans. "For how much?", you might ask. However much you want to pay!

This is an incredible deal, and to make it even better you get to pick how much of that price gets donated to charity. Even I will take a break from being a selfish pud once a year and say that this is a great thing and absolutely deserves any money you can spare.

So quit stuffing your fat gob with fruit cake for a second and use your typing wand to surf on over there and get some great games for cheap while supporting small developers and children's charity. You'd have to be some kind of Scrooge not to do this! Even if you don't actually want the games, there's an option to gift them to someone who does.

GTA : Mushroom Kingdom

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Most Pleasant Surprise

When I first heard the announcement that they were making Bioshock 2, I was really skeptical. A sequel where you go back to rapture later and play as a big daddy? It sounded retarded and lame. I was ready to shit on this game like a ton of pigeons.

So naturally I was pretty shocked when it started getting good reviews. I picked it up not expecting much, and was blown away by how much I actually enjoyed Bioshock 2. The story actually makes sense in context, maybe even more so than the first game. I thought Bioshock 1 was a good game, but it had some flaws that I couldn't get over. The sequel addressed a lot of my concerns and delivered some fantastic gameplay as well as a good story.

One thing I disliked about the first game was how it was promoted as having "complex moral choices", which just boiled down to "Press A to be good or B to be evil". It was a super shallow and very video game-y contrivance for something with such lofty ambitions. Bioshock 2 still has these moments but also throws a curve ball at you, in which the choices aren't always spelled out. You will pause for a moment and wonder if what you just did was really the right choice.

It makes you think a little deeper, even once you've turned the console off. That's something that doesn't happen enough in games.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Sony 32X Adapter?!?!

We interrupt this awards ceremony for late breaking news. According to Playstation Lifestyle, Sony has just filed for a patent on an external device to increase the PS3's processing power.

I for one can't wait to buy extra shit to plug into my console to play a small selection of marginally improved games! Perhaps they'll release a cartridge add-on and the circle will be complete.

Most Wasted Potential

Square Enix could have had it all with FF 14, but they flew too close to the sun on wings of wax...or something like that. With some beautiful graphics, an interesting world and intriguing story, FF 14 already had a lot going for it as a new MMO. You'd think with the hard lessons they learned from FF 11, they could have honed this game to be razor sharp and finally steal a piece of WoW's delicious pie.

Instead what they delivered was a buggy, broken mess of a game with very little content. It brings some interesting ideas, but they are lodged so deep in a quagmire of shit that extracting them proves futile. I stopped playing it less than half way through my free trial. That's right, I would not even play this shit for FREE. It made me want to play FF 11 instead, and I'd rather pound a nail through my dick than do that again.

Apparently Square Enix realized what a monumental clusterfuck it was and promptly fired the guys in charge. Only a few months late...Now they are committed to fixing their shit and extending the free period until they do so. All I can say is good luck, guys. You have got your work cut out for you on this one.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Best OCD Simulator

Minecraft wins by a landslide! It was also a contender for Best Game About Nothing, but you could argue that it's less a game and more a litmus test for autism. The test would go something like this:

Have you ever stayed up all night mining stone blocks for the scaffolding on your life size Arc de Triomphe? Check one of the following.


It's easy to laugh at these people, but imagine someone gives you an infinite box of legos and tells you to just go nuts. Yeah...I would lose my job for sure. Anyway Minecraft is an incredible feat in that it was developed by one guy and funded almost entirely by pre-orders. Did I mention it's also incredibly fun and addicting to anyone with even the smallest ounce of creativity?

Best Brouhaha

Also a big contender for best movie licensed game, although it's arguably based more off the comics. Which was probably for the best, because this turned out to be an all-around great retro brawler. It brings back memories of pumping fistfulls of quarters into the Turtles in Time cabinet at our local arcade.

This game has tons of personality going for it. Beautiful sprites, catchy music and some hilarious animations. It's a great homage to old-school beat-em-ups. The kind you can just waste an afternoon on with 3 friends. And at 10 bucks, it'll probably cost the 4 of you less than one play-through of Turtles.

The lack of online play doesn't really bother me, but it does bring with it some of the frustrations of the beat-em-ups it pays homage to. It can be hard to hit guys if you're not exactly lined up with them, and the AI can be really asshole-ish at times. They'll juggle you back and forth and hit you as soon as you get up. There are ways to counter this, but especially for new players it's frustrating.

Still, at 10 bucks it's a fantastic value and a must-have if you're a fan of Scott Pilgrim or want a good co-op game that doesn't require a huge time investment.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Scariest Game

While I am tempted to call this the scariest game EVER, I'm aware that I am prone to hyperbole and in fact that might be an honor best reserved for Amnesia 2: The Remembering (That's not a real game -Ed.)

It's at least the scariest game of 2010 though and that's enough for me. Like all great horror movies, this game is 99% atmosphere and 1% getting your face ripped off by unspeakable horrors. The gameplay is typical exploration and solving puzzles of the physics and conventional varieties. It's not outstanding in that regard, but it keeps things moving along and gives you a reason to explore the twisted catacombs.

This is a great game by a smaller independent developer, and proof that you don't need billions of dollars to make a fun game. It's a shame it's only on PC, I'd love to see it show up on XLBA or PSN some day as DLC.

If I had one complaint I'd have to say that they don't mix up the scares quite enough. Usually you activate something, and hear the noise of a monster approaching while you cower in a closet or behind some barrels. The level where you get chased through the sewer by a water monster is awesome though.

Best Worst Game

Just one look at the box art gives you an idea what you're in for with Deadly Premonition. It's strange, cheesy, awkward, goofy and grotesque. It would be so easy to write it off as another bargain bin disaster. But that would be selling this game far too short. It's also hilarious, charming, unique, compelling and insightful.

It's almost impossible to describe everything that makes this game such an awful, wonderful experience. But if a picture says 1000 words, then a video must say millions. Wouldn't you agree, Zack?

Best Game That's Not a Game

Despite some rough edges, Heavy Rain is an incredible experience. It managed to get my pulse racing like very few games ever have before. It's something totally unique on the PS3 and I would recommend it to anyone looking for something a bit more compelling than shooting nazis or collecting coins.

I hesitate to call it a game though, because there is very little in terms of actual gameplay. It's basically a long quicktime event, which people would usually classify as a cutscene. I'd love to see more interactive fiction like it though.

I just hope they work on the fiction part, because Heavy Rain's story was hugely inconsistent. The characters were all likable and well written, but there were plot holes big enough to fly a SR-71 through. And don't get me started on the ending, what a kick in the balls.

Regardless, it's still a great ride while it lasts. And while I don't see it as the future of video games, I wonder if it is the future of movies...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

First Annual Fudgee® Awards

As 2010 draws to a close, every site is busy pooping out their own TOP 10 GAMES EVAR list for this year. It's sure to include such hits as Mass Effect 2, Halo, and every other game that scored above 9 on IGN.

This year we're doing our own awards based on whatever we feel like, with nominees chosen according to our own twisted internal logic. If a really good game doesn't win then it's probably because we never got around to playing it, not because it sucks (Or in GT 5's case, it does suck). So please feel free to bitch us out over our choices. Jaison is already hastily constructing an apparatus to harness and convert nerd rage into pure energon.

Anyway, sit back and enjoy. It's all over but the crying.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bug Blasters

On one of my many travels through the interwebs I stumbled across a video at Player One Podcast that was just too good not to share. It's from Bug Blasters : the Exterminators, a 1995 Sega CD game that was never released. Well, at least not until 2000 when Good Deal Games picked up the license. It's basically a horrible ripoff of Ghostbusters. Even for FMV games at the time it's bad. You can see why Sony didn't bother to release it.

You can read more about the game here.

Apologies to Jaison

Sorry I dropped out of our game last night. My dog chewed through the power cable on our router.

"My bad." -Lewis

Monday, December 6, 2010

Things I Miss About Arcades

I think the experience provided by today's consoles, combined with the expense of purchasing and maintaining game cabinets pretty much means we will never see arcades make a comeback here. Which is really sad, but understandable. In memory of video arcades here are a few things I will miss the most.

Spending an hour playing games instead of shopping for clothes.

Bugging the concession monkey for quarters.

That unique arcade smell. Vomit mixed with popcorn.

Beating Tekken with 1 quarter.

Finding 3 strangers to play Turtles in Time with.

Spending all day cheating at skee ball to get enough tickets for a lava lamp.

The beautiful cacophony of 20 cabinets all blaring at once.

Climbing into the cockpit of an Afterburner cabinet.

Spending most of my birthday money to beat Terminator 2.

Enlisting 2 friends to cheat at Whack-a-mole.

Playing House of the Dead with 2 guns.

Lining up to play Mortal Kombat when it was released.

That one cabinet that the arcade would only have for a week. You'd play it once and it was so incredible. You'd tell your friends tales of it, ranting like a mad explorer while they shook their heads in disbelief.

Watching my brother beat the Simpsons on one quarter.

Aliens vs Predator.

When the planets aligned and you could find 5 other people to play X-Men.

Killing Death Adder.

Finding a cabinet that already had a coin in it.

Beating an older kid at Street Fighter.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go weep for the future.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

How Inappropriate

I was looking through a collection of arcade games recently when I stumbled upon this gem of bad taste.

Just like the name implies, it is in fact a platforming game about the Berlin Wall. Of course it handles the subject matter with as much maturity as you'd expect from a video game - You run around digging holes and dodging monsters while collecting fruit.

No wonder it took so long for east and west Berlin to unite, they didn't collect enough fruit! I don't know if there is much more to the game than that, I only played it for a minute. Even though it's made by a Japanese company, they really should know better. This is probably the worst idea for a video game since my Auschwitz kart-racer.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Bad Company 2 DLC Trailer

Apparently DICE is saying if players do 69 million team actions when the new 'Nam DLC comes out, they will release a 5th map for FREE. On one hand it's sort of a neat idea. But on the other it's like, come on guys you already have the map done. Just release it with the DLC for christ sake.

Don't try to trick us again by with-holding content then offering it up to us later for FREE so we will think you're so great and charitable. That's a shitty thing to do. DICE I am disappoint.

The DLC still looks good though.

Why Diablo 3 Looks Dumb

I feel the need to elaborate somewhat on why I said Diablo 3 looks lame earlier. I'm not usually a person to hate on something just because it's new. Though I love the first game, the franchise is not dear enough to me that I would 'sperg out and shout "OMG WTF there are other colors besides black?? This game is SUCKY AS SHIT!!! *FART* *POOP*"

Anyway, let's just check out the character trailers.

Cringe-worthy lines:

"You always have a choice."
"As long as I'm here, they are the prey. And the hunter."
"I stand alone...and if they keep coming I will never stop killing!"

Cringe-worthy lines:

"Welcome to the city of your death, hero!"
"Reveal yourself...deceiver!"

So yeah, that's basically why. The dialog was so awful, I'd say it was written by a 12 year old but I don't want to insult kids like that. Then there is all the retarded looking matrix fighting that doesn't fit the tone of the series at all. And don't get me started on the character and monster design, which looks like WoW took a big runny shit all over it. Overall nothing about this game turns my crank, which is sad because we've all been waiting for it so long.

At least they won't make you buy a separate game for each character...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

WTF Japan? - Engrish Grab Bag

This site has a good list of 100 top Engrish quotes. Here are a few of my favorites.