Monday, May 30, 2011

Enlarge Your Johnson

You won't catch me saying this often these days, but What....the FUCK? I cannot wait to see how hilariously, amazingly terrible this game turns out to be.

New Silent Hill Movie

Oh boy, someone's been reading my reverse wish-book again! They had to come up with the number one thing I never wanted, another Silent Hill movie! Based on Silent Hill 3 I guess. Even though I don't remember a teen heart throb from when I played the game. My memory is a little hazy though. Mostly from all the drugs.

How does the actress playing Heather stack up? Let's take a closer look.

Nope, sorry. Not nearly coked-up looking enough. Color me disinterested. Might I suggest one of the Olsen twins instead? Either one, it doesn't matter.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Music to Rock Your Clock

Thank you, that will be all.

You're Going to WET Yourself

Ha ha do you get it??

Anyway there has been a certain something lacking in survival horror games for a long time, and that thing is waterslide levels. I think the most terrifying thing is that they are totally ripping off Virtual Bart.

Borderlands Wrap-Up

Last night we beat Borderlands after taking like an 8 month break from it.

Here is a spoiler:

The ending sucks!

Dirt 3 Youtubes

So yeah, been playing some Dirt 3 lately. Full impressions to come later. For now, I'm testing out the youtube upload feature.

Some clown left his flipped car right in the middle of the timing gate. Thanks, jerkhole!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

So Much Blood!

Speaking of Space Marine, hey look a developer interview!

So basically it's God of War meets Gears...of War. I am fine with that.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The big man....HASS the Rock

The upcoming Space Marine box art is already contender for this year's contest. Many bonus points for making me think of this.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dead Island Gameplay

About 10 minutes of gameplay from the upcoming open-world zombie game. Looks fun so far, but the UI is just terrible. It's like something out of a Half Life mod from 10 years ago.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

To Me, My Thermos

Because we are both playing alan wake at the same time, let's celebrate by looking at cool thermoses. it's sunday night and iiiiiiiiii'm drufnk

Can YOU colletc them all?????

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Become an Ace PS3 Hacker

With the dust finally starting to settle around the Geohot lawsuit and PSN security fiascoes, I figured now would be the perfect time to compile this handy step-by-step guide to becoming an uber leet ps3 hacker using what we have learned from all this. You can thank me later.

1. Use your real name as your screen name - Nothing throws those feds off your trail like the obvious. For example, if your name was Scott Johnson your hacker name would be Scotjohn. Genius.

2. Pick a noble cause to hide behind - "Remove Linux functionality from my PS3? Over my dead body, you pinko bastards!" Congratulations, now you are no longer a douchebag. You're a freedom fighter!

3. Claim you don't support piracy - Sure, it's the same as saying "I don't support theft, but I'm going to provide everyone with copies of keys to every jewelry store in town...on principle!" But you're a freedom fighter, dammit. You don't have time for petty logic.

4. Rip off the largest multinational corporation you can find - Nothing does more for your ego....*ahem* I mean cause than hitting those fat cats where it hurts. Right in the wallet! There's no way this could ever backfire.

5. Openly taunt said corporation - This will never, ever backfire. There's just no way. While you're at it, tell them you're willing to consider a job offer. Remember, you're the good guy here. They should be thanking you for teaching them the error of your ways.

6. Don't panic - WHAT!! A lawsuit?!? How could this have possibly happened?? It's ok, keep calm and ask for donations to cover all of your court costs.

7. Continue taunting - You're a big man. You won't be bullied by these suits. Now continue spending other people's money to keep yourself out of jail. It's the only noble thing to do in this situation.

8. Promise to never do it again - Place tail firmly between your legs. Slowly back out of the room and fade into obscurity. You were a just man living in an unjust time. The world simply isn't ready. Not yet.

*Bonus Step* - Decide that you aren't receiving enough credit for your work. Throw a huge cry-baby tantrum on your blog and leave the "hacking scene" for a few months. Repeat as needed.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Best Box Art of 2010

It was a tough contest, but the results are in! The thing I like best about this one is how it literally vomits color all over your face and eyes. This box art just leaves me with one question, what is everyone so angry about?!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

How the Press Reviews Online Games

Here is a great article on arse technica about how reviewers play online games against the developers prior to the official release. I think they make a lot of valid (If a bit obvious) points about how it really doesn't reflect the real world conditions of these games at all.

Ever play a game online (cough...Gears, Call of duty...) and wonder how the flying fuck some of these idiotic design choices even made it past testing? Well this is why. There's a world of difference between playing in a controlled environment where lag is a non-issue, and playing against a cheating douchebag seeding 10 gigs of Naruto episodes on their dial-up connection.

I propose a drastic change in the way games are tested and demoed. Copies of every game to be tested should be given to an entire class of 15 year olds to play at home. You'll find out in a damn hurry everything that can and will be exploited in your game.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

More Hawken Gameplay

S'cuse me while I drool all over mahself.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The G is for Genius



I can't believe how full of shit IGN is. Everybody knows the Babyz series has been nothing but the same rehashed garbage since Imagine: Babyz Fashion. What a bunch of fucking IMBECILES!!

Monday, May 9, 2011

FTW WTF : Gears of War 3 Beta

The developers over at Epic must be retarded or something, cause I can't believe any sane human being could create a game with such obvious flaws and balancing issues. First off let me start by saying to the folks over at Epic, before you go and get all defensive, I really really really really REALLY, want to like your game. I like the look of the game, I like that it uses cover and stealth, I like that you're fighting some badass looking villains. Not some pussy baby turtles like some other popular franchise would have you doing. But every time I try to go and enjoy your game it goes and stomps all over on my balls in a pair of stilettos. And the more I play it, the more I get the feeling it's intentional; cause most of these problems have been there since the start.

Now I know what you're saying, "Hold on there Jay-dogg, Big D just posted a few days ago about how awesome the Gears Beta was." Well it was the first few days, but it then it just took this 90 degree turn downhill. I don't know if Epic was messing with the settings or there was more people online and there servers couldn't keep up, but whatever it was it sucked the fun completely out of it.

So now that you're aware it's shit. Let's go over what makes it the giant flaming turd that it is.

1. The Connection : It's hard to even blame it on the connection the problem seems so much worse than that, but for whatever reason you never get the sense that you're playing on an even playing field. There's always at least one asshole on the other team who you can't kill no matter what you do. He can move faster than you, he can take more damage than you, and his bullets can shoot farther and do more damage than anyone elses. You may think this is just sour grapes, that they're just better at Gears but it's not. It's not because they're more skilled or use better tactics in fact it's the opposite. They use less tactics and make themselves more vulnerable than anyone else but for some reason the game has deemed them impervious to damage and will let them just blindly charge through everyone's bullets and kill you in one shot.

2. The Controls : This is supposed to be a cover based shooter but Epic has gone out of it's way to make cover almost completely useless. In fact taking cover is a detriment in most cases because you loss almost all of your mobility. This wouldn't be such an issue the machine guns weren't so weak compared to the shotguns. As Big D said "When you can charge through an enemies bullets while he's shooting you and kill him in one shot, I'm sorry there's something wrong with your game."

Not to mention the cover system usually doesn't work the way you want it. Half the time when you're trying to roll away from an enemy you end up getting stuck on a piece of geometry, and the animations to get out of cover are so slow you're completely screwed. How bout making the glue yourself to the wall button different from the dodge button. God forbid, you might have to make (the completed gratuitous) executions several buttons presses, like a fatality or something.

3. The Weapon Balance : Like I was saying before shotguns are completely overpowered. You almost never see people using there lancer cause it takes too long to kill them. Even if you are lucky enough to down an enemy either one of your teammates will finish him off with the shotgun stealing your kill or another enemy comes charging around the side and finishes you off first in one hit.

Epic has tried to fix this with bullets slowing down a charging enemy but this rarely works. The problem is that one missed bullet and they're back up from 0 to 100 instantly. Not to mention if they roll to the side, you aim is so slow to turn they'll be on top of you before you've had a chance to move. Resulting in most matches turning into one big shotgun clusterfuck.

4. The Spawns : Game developers take note, TWO SPAWN POINTS ARE NEVER ENOUGH. It becomes way too easy to spawn camp, half the time your spawning in the middle of a gunfight. Plus most of the spawns only have one narrow exit.

I will give Epic credit every now and then you'll hear your commander scream out "Enemy Reinforcements" which is a nice subtle hint to tell you that the spawns have flipped. Unfortunately it's so subtle it took me till yesterday to figure this out.

And the problems don't end there, poor teaming balancing, having to wait for bots to die in order to join a match, weak map layout with little verticality. I know you're probably thinking I'm being to hard on it, it is a Beta after all. But I say bullshit it's not like this is the first Gears game they're making, this shit has been going on since the start of the franchise. Just put a little more thought into it and worry about making the game fun not pleasing the fanboys who are content to run around with a shotgun like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Still don't believe me. Well Microsoft was kind enough to give me an extra code for a friend to play in last week of the beta. And since I like my friends too much to subject them to this, I figured I give it away. First person to e-mail us (hit the contact button on the side) saying you want the code and it's yours. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Brink Comes Out Tomorrow

My God....these boner levels are off the charts....ALPHA TEAM, GET OUT OF THERE NOW IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ode to Daggerfall

If you asked most people what is the best Elder Scrolls game, they would probably say Morrowind. Well they are right, it is pretty much the best one. But the title of most ambitious Elder Scrolls game belongs to Daggerfall. This game came out on PC in 1996, and it blew my fucking mind.

Why, you ask? Well for starters, the game world is twice the size of Great Britain, measuring 487,000 square km. It features 15,000 towns and 750,000 NPC characters. How does that float your boat? For comparison, Morrowind's world was 26 square km and Oblivion's was 41. Woah.

It also had an awesome system where you could create your own spells and enchantments with different effects. You could buy your own house, a horse, a wagon, a freaking boat. You could join guilds, temples, summon monsters and even transform into a wereboar. It even had pixellated tits. Truly a masterwork of the 90's.

It was pretty easy to break the game in some ways though. Like loitering in a shop until it closed, then robbing the place because the shopkeeper left with you still inside. There were also banks that you could borrow money from. I'd just borrow the maximum amount of money in one town, then never return there again. Suckers! Most of the time though I'd just be a dick to the townspeople until the guards showed up to kill me, then I'd get on my enchanted flying horse and laugh as I flew into the sunset. I had way more fun being a jerk in this than any GTA game.

Was there a story in Daggerfall? Probably. I have no idea. Who wants to read reams of text when you can fight skeletons and light people on fire. Which reminds me, the manual that came with this game was like a fucking phone book. It was chock full of maps and stat charts for different stuff. I'd like to go back and try to play this game the right way some day, but something tells me it would end up like it always does. With a large naked man running around bludgeoning people with an enchanted flail.

Guardian Heroes HD

The best Saturn game ever, coming to XBLA this fall! YES YES, This is what I want!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Have the Weirdest Boner Right Now

This is what Dante's Inferno should have been! Did I mention it's being made by Shinji Mikami (Resident Evil, Devil May Cry, God Hand), Suda51 (Killer 7, No More Heroes) and Akira Yamaoka (The Silent Hill series)?

If this game is anything other than pure, unfiltered WTF then I will shit a brick. Literally. June cannot come fast enough.

This pretty much sums up my feelings on the new Elder Scrolls game

May the Fourth Be With You

In honor of national Star Wars day (May 4th), let's take a minute to celebrate some of the freaking awesome Star Wars related games that have come out over the years. If I miss your favorite one, I apologize. Feel free to berate us in the comment section.

Honest Video Game Boxes Finale

More awesome true box art from the goons at