Monday, May 9, 2011

FTW WTF : Gears of War 3 Beta

The developers over at Epic must be retarded or something, cause I can't believe any sane human being could create a game with such obvious flaws and balancing issues. First off let me start by saying to the folks over at Epic, before you go and get all defensive, I really really really really REALLY, want to like your game. I like the look of the game, I like that it uses cover and stealth, I like that you're fighting some badass looking villains. Not some pussy baby turtles like some other popular franchise would have you doing. But every time I try to go and enjoy your game it goes and stomps all over on my balls in a pair of stilettos. And the more I play it, the more I get the feeling it's intentional; cause most of these problems have been there since the start.

Now I know what you're saying, "Hold on there Jay-dogg, Big D just posted a few days ago about how awesome the Gears Beta was." Well it was the first few days, but it then it just took this 90 degree turn downhill. I don't know if Epic was messing with the settings or there was more people online and there servers couldn't keep up, but whatever it was it sucked the fun completely out of it.

So now that you're aware it's shit. Let's go over what makes it the giant flaming turd that it is.

1. The Connection : It's hard to even blame it on the connection the problem seems so much worse than that, but for whatever reason you never get the sense that you're playing on an even playing field. There's always at least one asshole on the other team who you can't kill no matter what you do. He can move faster than you, he can take more damage than you, and his bullets can shoot farther and do more damage than anyone elses. You may think this is just sour grapes, that they're just better at Gears but it's not. It's not because they're more skilled or use better tactics in fact it's the opposite. They use less tactics and make themselves more vulnerable than anyone else but for some reason the game has deemed them impervious to damage and will let them just blindly charge through everyone's bullets and kill you in one shot.

2. The Controls : This is supposed to be a cover based shooter but Epic has gone out of it's way to make cover almost completely useless. In fact taking cover is a detriment in most cases because you loss almost all of your mobility. This wouldn't be such an issue the machine guns weren't so weak compared to the shotguns. As Big D said "When you can charge through an enemies bullets while he's shooting you and kill him in one shot, I'm sorry there's something wrong with your game."

Not to mention the cover system usually doesn't work the way you want it. Half the time when you're trying to roll away from an enemy you end up getting stuck on a piece of geometry, and the animations to get out of cover are so slow you're completely screwed. How bout making the glue yourself to the wall button different from the dodge button. God forbid, you might have to make (the completed gratuitous) executions several buttons presses, like a fatality or something.

3. The Weapon Balance : Like I was saying before shotguns are completely overpowered. You almost never see people using there lancer cause it takes too long to kill them. Even if you are lucky enough to down an enemy either one of your teammates will finish him off with the shotgun stealing your kill or another enemy comes charging around the side and finishes you off first in one hit.

Epic has tried to fix this with bullets slowing down a charging enemy but this rarely works. The problem is that one missed bullet and they're back up from 0 to 100 instantly. Not to mention if they roll to the side, you aim is so slow to turn they'll be on top of you before you've had a chance to move. Resulting in most matches turning into one big shotgun clusterfuck.

4. The Spawns : Game developers take note, TWO SPAWN POINTS ARE NEVER ENOUGH. It becomes way too easy to spawn camp, half the time your spawning in the middle of a gunfight. Plus most of the spawns only have one narrow exit.

I will give Epic credit every now and then you'll hear your commander scream out "Enemy Reinforcements" which is a nice subtle hint to tell you that the spawns have flipped. Unfortunately it's so subtle it took me till yesterday to figure this out.

And the problems don't end there, poor teaming balancing, having to wait for bots to die in order to join a match, weak map layout with little verticality. I know you're probably thinking I'm being to hard on it, it is a Beta after all. But I say bullshit it's not like this is the first Gears game they're making, this shit has been going on since the start of the franchise. Just put a little more thought into it and worry about making the game fun not pleasing the fanboys who are content to run around with a shotgun like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Still don't believe me. Well Microsoft was kind enough to give me an extra code for a friend to play in last week of the beta. And since I like my friends too much to subject them to this, I figured I give it away. First person to e-mail us (hit the contact button on the side) saying you want the code and it's yours. Just don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. I don't hold much faith, but I really hope they do address some of this stuff for the release, because when it works it is super fun. Sadly that doesn't happen nearly enough.

    Trying to use any kind of strategy in TDM or capture the leader is useless, because the maps are so small you're almost constantly having guys spawn behind you. Bigger maps and more spawns would complement the bigger teams nicely.

    Still doesn't fix the lag/shotgun issues, but this is gears after all!

  2. Sounds like a good time! Nothing better than a tank running around obliterating everyone.