Secret Weapons - EXTREME Xbox Case

Sure you might be TOTALLY ready for some BATTLEFIELD 3 ACTION OORAH! But is your xbox 360?! Well now it can be with the Vault Calibur 11, featuring Hole Technology (hehee).

Secret Weapons - Anime Glasses

I'm getting a pair for Jaison, so he can finally achieve his life long dream of being an anime.



Kawaii desu sugoi!!~~

Secret Weapons - Handheld SNES

Move over 3DS and Vita, the Hyperkin SupaBoy is in town! It's like the Sega Nomad for a new generation. I just hope it comes with it's own fusion reactor, or a lifetime supply of double A batteries...

For a projected retail of $79.99 it's actually pretty good looking. Too bad most good SNES games already have GBA/DS ports.

Secret Weapons - CoD Pro Gaming Glasses

It all makes sense now. No wonder we'll never become uber pro at Black Ops, Jaison. We lack the officially sanctioned gaming optics. For the low price of $80 you too can buy mad gaming skills AND look like a complete tool. Although I have to admit I'm not really sure what's pro about making everything look yellow.

But just maybe....

Secret Weapons - XIM3

If you grew up playing PC shooters like I did, then you probably still can't quite get a handle on the whole idea of playing them with a controller. No matter what Jaison says, keyboard and mouse will always be more precise. That's just how it goes my friend.

Anyway, for people like us (non-freaks) who would love to use a keyboard and mouse to play on xbox 360, now you can. Thanks to the XIM3. What is it? Basically a little dongle that plugs into your 360 and translates the signals from your mouse and kb into controller inputs.

I know this isn't a new thing by any means. There have been devices like this before. What makes this one unique is how it translates the inputs. Here's a quote from their website.

Through Smart Translators, XIM3 is able to provide unparalleled mouse precision unachievable by any other gaming adapter available. The problem is simple: when the mouse moves, equivalent reticle movement on the screen should occur (i.e. 1-to-1 movement). This is the obvious result that all PC-gamers expect. But, before the creation of Smart Translators, was not possible on consoles. Every console shooter has its own unique look mechanic that governs how the game controls and feels to the gamer. Every game is different as they all have different stick dead-zones and geometries, variable sensitivity and acceleration regions, asymmetric sensitivity, non-linear movement, and more. Be cautious of any console mouse adapter that claims “PC-feel” without talking about how it solves all these challenges.

So yeah, it's a little more complex. Personally I would love one of these. I think it would make a world of difference for me. The problem though is with playing online. It's pretty much cheating. As much as I'd love to argue otherwise, it seems like a huge advantage. As little as I give a shit what people on XBL think of me, I'd still feel like a gigantic douche using one of these to win. The fact that it costs $150 doesn't help any...

Secret Weapons - Pelican Dual Triggers

If there is one complaint I have always had about the PS3 controller, it's that the triggers suck dongs. My greasy fingers slide off of them and they hurt after playing racing games for a while. Well it seems like someone at Pelican heard my nasal whining and came up with these.


They clip onto the L2 and R2 triggers and make them feel like actual, you know, triggers. It's so sad that we have to resort to this, but whatever. They were 5 bucks at my local EB Games. That might seem a bit silly for 2 tiny pieces of plastic, but such is the capitalist society we live in.

They snap on easily and don't hinder the motion of the buttons at all. Right away I noticed a huge difference. I got a different model that extends even farther than the ones shown here. Almost a bit too far, but they keep my fingers from ever slipping or getting uncomfortable. If you're unsure what to get, I'd probably get the shorter ones shown below.

Overall this is an awesome product and I would definitely recommend to anyone with a PS3. Even if you've gotten used to Sony's crappy triggers and lie to yourself saying they feel good, you should try these and be amazed at the difference it makes.

*Not actually guaranteed

Secret Weapons - Dead Space Backpack

With Dead Space 2 arriving in just a couple weeks, what better way to show what a total whore for DS you are than buying a backpack that looks like the RIG Isaac wears; complete with life bar and stasis gauge.



Sad thing is that I would actually buy one of these if they didn't look so dorky. I mean, make no mistake, I am certainly a nerd. And not one of those creepy weirdos that uses the term affectionately. I am a pocket protecting, star wars figure collecting NERD. But even I would feel embarassed wearing something like this around. That and it costs 108 American dollars...

Secret Weapons - Nyko Intercooler TS

If you've ever owned a first generation X-box 360, then the chances are good that you've sealed the little guy in his styrofoam coffin, uttered a prayer, and sent him away for resurrection at least once.

I partook in this ritual myself, when my 360 went on strike and refused to play the games I purchased for it; not unlike a spoiled 10 year old. Overall it was a fairly painless process. Microsoft was helpful, and turnaround time was about a week. Still, it's not something I look forward to doing on a quarterly basis.

Looking for anything that could prolong my console's lifespan, I finally settled on the Nyko Intercooler TS. It's basically another unit consisting of 3 fans, designed to expel heat from the back of your 360. As any X-box owner will tell you, the console generates slightly less heat than a blast furnace, so anything that helps it run cooler can only be a good thing.

The unit itself is fairly small, clips firmly to the back of your 360 and doesn't obscure any of it's outputs. It even has it's own AC adapter, unlike the old intercooler models which relied on the 360's power cord and had a tendency to short circuit consoles, in a hilariously ironic twist. It also has a temperature sensor, which (in theory) only turns the fans on when the console gets hot. In reality it's just on the whole time, and stays on for a while after the 360 shuts down. What does that say about it's heat output?

So now the million dollar question is: Does it actually work? And the answer to that is a resounding "I guess so". It's a hard thing to prove, as there are many other factors at play here. But I've been using mine for over a year and my 360 has yet to unceremoniously shit the bed again. If you put your hand behind the console, the exhaust no longer feels scalding but simply warm. So it definitely does keep things a bit cooler.


So everything is great, right? Well not exactly. The one big caveat is the noise. The old 360s were not quiet to begin with, and the intercooler increases it's noise output level from "Harrier lifting off" to "Flock of geese passing through a jet turbine". It's pretty loud, but like renting an apartment underneath a main subway line, you get used to the noise after a while. Only when you have company over will they take note of it as you shout at each other over the din.

Over all the Nyko Intercooler is a good product that does what it is supposed to, which is keeping your 360 from erupting into flames. If you can tolerate the cacophony then it's cheap insurance against the dreaded RROD.

Secret Weapons - The Handy Boy

Every kid had one thing they desired most, but were never able to obtain. Maybe it was a Power Rangers Megazord. Maybe it was a Colecovision. The white whale of my childhood will always be the Handy Boy.

It was the kind of accessory that was so ungainly, so ridiculously impractical that a child would most certainly go apeshit for it. This behemoth was so fucking colossal that it came with a shoulder strap! When the speakers were folded in it looked like a white plastic turtle, snug and secure in it's shell.

Then they would fold open like a delorean deploying it's gullwing doors. Revealing to the world the true awesome power of the HANDY BOY. Magnifying screen, light to play in bed, huge speakers, joystick AND extra large buttons for your fat little sausage fingers!!! It was like every shitty third party accessory rolled into one.

My cousin owned one of these extraordinary devices. On more than one occasion I contemplated smothering him with a pillow to obtain it. But then my small mind raced. Where would I hide the body? What would my parents think? How was I going to fit this great hulking thing in my fanny pack?! Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all.

I also just noticed that the company marketing it was called STD. Oh man I am lollin' so hard right now.

Secret Weapons - Awesome Toilet

As a gamer, I know that an all night LAN session fueled by doritos and grape Big 8 can bring on some righteous power-shits. Well rest easy my friends, you are no longer slaves to the safety flush!

Secret Weapons - Gameboy Game Genie

Let me tell you a little story.

There once was a small boy who wished for a Gameboy more than anything in the whole world. Then one Christmas his parents finally succumbed to his crying and whining. Getting up at 5 AM and ripping that present open while everyone was still asleep, the boy experienced a moment of pure, unbridled exuberance. The only thing that could have topped that would be a visit from all four ninja turtles. But alas...

Soon the boy discovered that, like their NES counterparts, some Gameboy games were just bullshit hard for no reason. Never would he be able to beat Contra, or pass the final level of Nail 'n Scale. Tears of anguish rolled down his tiny cheeks. Such a tragedy.

But lo! In the distance, a shining beacon of hope emerged! Could it be??? Dare I say it? YES, IT IS!

GAME GENIE FOR GAMEBOY! Hallelujah, all his prayers were finally answered. Oh glorious day! Not only is this one of the coolest accessories for Gameboy, I'd go as far as to say it's one of the coolest, period. Let's have a look at this beauty.

Where the original Game Genie was pretty small and just went inside the NES, the Gameboy one has this long piece that goes down inside, and your gameboy wears it like a hat. It also has a cut-out so you can reach the power button easily. Neat! The cartridges plugged into it backward, and it even came with little stickers of some codes you could stick on the back of each cartridge. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT???

But wait. You see that little door on the back? Know what that's for? That's right, that compartment stored a tiny code book! I can't find any pictures of it but it was SO FUDGING NEAT! A feat of modern engineering for sure.

So thanks to the all powerful Game Genie, the little boy was finally able to beat all his games even the retarded ones like Bart vs the Juggernauts. He grew up to be strong and handsome and super cool. One time he made a game website that some people even read. And you know something else?

THAT BOY WAS ME!

Secret Weapons - Kontrol Freek FPS Freek

Ever play a FPS online and feel like the other guys just plain have an unfair advantage? In these dark days of hackers and cheaters, let's just go ahead and assume they do. So let's teach those little bastards with an unfair advantage of our own.


Enter the FPS Freek. I first heard of these little doo-dads from another game nerd at work. I am always wary of attachments and crap that promise to magically enhance your gaming experience. I got burned by the power glove, NEVER AGAIN!!

Anyway he swears by them, and they got good reviews on the internet, plus they didn't cost much so I ordered a pair. They snap right on top of the analog sticks for both 360 and PS3, extending them by about 1 cm. "But how do that make it bettar??!?" I hear you ask. Jesus christ, hold on a minute I am getting there.


Allright I am about to drop some science on this house, so hold on to your dicks. Basically when you push the stick in a direction you first have to overcome the spring force, which keeps the stick centered. Raising the stick creates a longer lever which makes it easier to over come that force. This makes small and more precise movements easier. Word.

So does it work? Yeah it does, thanks for asking. Jaison and I both use them and while they might not be enough to make him a super pro like me, they definitely make a difference. I only use one on the right analog stick that I use for aiming. I find I don't really need one for movement anyway. Now I am owning noobs like a boss and my e-peen is bigger than ever. Thanks Kontrol Freek!

I give it 1 tombstone out of 1, because Jaison is going to kill me for giving away our secret.

Secret Weapons - Madcatz Fight Pad

With Super Street Fighter 4 less than 48 hours away, it's time to look at another fighting game controller! With the inevitable scarcity and price gouging over the arcade sticks, most people will probably have to settle for... Dadadadada

The Fight Pad!

Those of you getting SSF4 on the PS3 will probably be happy with your standard controller and it's superior d-pad. However anyone forced to grapple with the big greasy turd known as the 360 d-pad is probably already standing in line for one of these things.

I bought one on the off chance that a homeless person wanders into my living room and fancies some cat food and a game of street fighter 4. No way he is getting his greasy paws on the arcade stick. I may even fight him for the cat food.


Where was I? Oh yeah, the fight pad is decent. It costs around 40 bucks so you get what you pay for I guess. It could have been much better though. Like the judgmental little man I am, I will air my grievances with this pad.

First off, the d-pad is floating, sort of like the sega saturn controller. it feels good, but the actual arrows aren't really defined enough and the surface is slick so it can be a little hard to make precise inputs. Second, the buttons are too flat. They aren't concave or convex at all. Just plain uncomfortable. And finally, the overall shape of the controller is too wide and flat. The whole thing just doesn't feel very ergonomic at all. Which is a shame because it actually functions quite well.

So there you have it. I'd recommend one over the 360 d-pad, but that's like recommending a poke in the eye over a kick in the balls.



I give it 1 Clinton and 1 Lewinsky because it's close but no cigar.

Secret Weapons - Tritton Headset

Every once in awhile there comes a time, between the swearing and the trash talking, when you actually want to speak to someone while gaming online. It's during those times when you realize just how crappy the standard Microsoft and Sony headsets really are. But what some gamers may not realize is that there are some viable alternatives.

Take for example Tritton's AX 180 headset. I picked myself up a set of these bad boys a couple of months ago, and have been loving them ever since. No more aching ears, no more drained batteries, no more awkward moments, when you think you're muted, and you call out your friend for being the pussy that he...ah hmm. Anyway, it also supports in game audio. Great for any late night gaming when you have asshole neighbours next-door.



I will say they're not perfect. The cord, while super long, can get a bit messy in the back. Especially if your TV isn't close to your console. And the audio isn't surround sound or digital. Tritton does makes headsets with those features but they can get pretty pricey.

As for the AX-180, I got mine for about 70 bucks, which isn't too bad considering it works with the 360, PS3, PC, and the Wii. Turtle Beach makes a similar headset that is a bit cheaper, but it only supports one console, and to me, looks too much like a toy.

Overall the AX-180 works great, feels great, and if you do a lot of online gaming, is well worth the extra dough.

Secret Weapons - Madcatz Fight Stick SE

With Super Street Fighter 4 fast approaching, the demand for fight sticks is bound to skyrocket again. I figured I'd weigh in on the pros and cons of the regular edition from the perspective of a casual (read: terrible) fighting game fan.

First off, this thing is pretty freaking big. The pictures really don't do it justice. It's just the right size to take up most of your lap. It's got a good weight to it too. So if your friend is an asshole Ken player, one good smack in the side of the head with it would probably put him down. It's got a nice long cord as well, which you could probably choke him out with. But I digress.

Being new to arcade sticks in general, it took me some getting used to. For starters, they come stock with a square gate which is the standard in Japan I guess. What that means is that instead of being able to rotate the joystick around in a circle, you will hit corners as there is a little square shaped piece inside. It makes some moves easier, but I prefer an octagon shaped gate. You can swap it out though, more on that in a minute.

The main difference between the SE fight stick and the Tournament edition (aside from looking less cool and costing half as much) is that it doesn't use official Sanwa parts. I can just hear you saying "Well whoop de fucking doo!" and I can understand. Allow me to explain.

Basically when it comes to arcade parts in japan, Sanwa is THE shit. Their joysticks and buttons are super precise, feel great and won't break when you smack Jaison, I mean your friend in the face with them.

The buttons and joystick on the SE frankly don't feel all that great, even to a hack like me. The buttons have a mushy feel and the stick feels cheap. Lucky for us it's super easy to swap that shit out. Everything is connected inside by little tabs, so you can order some sanwa parts online for super cheap and pop them in.

I swapped out my joystick and 6 buttons. Now it works perfectly, takes up less space and cost a fair bit less than the TE stick. Bonus! These are going to be scarce when SSF4 hits, but if you're serious about fighting games with some spare cash I'd highly recommend one.


I give it four Winston Churchills out of five.