Every kid had one thing they desired most, but were never able to obtain. Maybe it was a Power Rangers Megazord. Maybe it was a Colecovision. The white whale of my childhood will always be the Handy Boy.
It was the kind of accessory that was so ungainly, so ridiculously impractical that a child would most certainly go apeshit for it. This behemoth was so fucking colossal that it came with a shoulder strap! When the speakers were folded in it looked like a white plastic turtle, snug and secure in it's shell.
Then they would fold open like a delorean deploying it's gullwing doors. Revealing to the world the true awesome power of the HANDY BOY. Magnifying screen, light to play in bed, huge speakers, joystick AND extra large buttons for your fat little sausage fingers!!! It was like every shitty third party accessory rolled into one.
My cousin owned one of these extraordinary devices. On more than one occasion I contemplated smothering him with a pillow to obtain it. But then my small mind raced. Where would I hide the body? What would my parents think? How was I going to fit this great hulking thing in my fanny pack?! Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all.
I also just noticed that the company marketing it was called STD. Oh man I am lollin' so hard right now.