Friday, September 30, 2011

Aegeri For President

User Aegeri on the Penny Arcade forums wrote this post about the Sawed-off shotgun in Gears of War 3 and is much better at articulating why it is such a giant turd of fuck than I am.

"The Gnasher has no advantages vs. the sawn off at point blank. Unless we're talking about someone absolutely completely incompetent, if they get near you then you are dead. It is absolutely that simple with the sawed off. It has a very reasonable "instagib" range and aiming it takes absolutely zero skill whatsoever. You have one shot but frankly, if you miss that one shot with the ridiculous instant kill arc it has you're bad at video games and should feel bad. The only way to counter a sawed off at close range, is to pray they get overexcited and shoot where you were as you've done a roll just before they reached you. Then mow them down trivially: But I have yet to see anyone good who is whoring the sawed off fall for that even once. They will just track you and blind fire you into bloody chunks once you finish rolling.

It turns execution gametypes into an absolute joke and any map that is very tight (like Checkout) turns into endless double barrel shotgun wars in no time. It's literally no fun to play against whatsoever, which is ironic because this is the first of the gears games that has actually made the gnasher fun and reasonable. Then they go and add the fucking sawed off in its current state, so we're right back to gears of war 2 shotgun wars: Despite the improvement to rifles. The amount of skill required to counter the sawed off is far greater than the amount required to actually use the damn thing. It is the very definition of "n00b cannon" and like anything like that it is when you give it to skilled players that it goes into absolutely broken territory."

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Battlefield 3 Beta is Out!

Shit on your nuts if you actually want to play it, though. The servers on xbox are down because of maintenance. I assume PS3 and PC are likely the same story. Guess I'll try the PC beta to confirm. Preparing my bumhole for Origin now.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Gears 3 For Turds

The double barrel shotgun is such a huge piece of shit and if you use this gun I swear to god I will put my fist in a box and mail it to you so when you open it I will punch you right in the god damn face you sped.

Made My Choice

Choosing between picking up RAGE or Dark Souls on release was the toughest decision I have ever faced in my privileged white middle class life. In the end though I finally had to choose Dark Souls. The original Demon's Souls was the greatest game ever made, and if Ghostbusters 2 has taught me anything, it's that sequels are always better than the originals.

Also, if you pre-order Dark Souls you get a free upgrade to the collector's edition. Which is, pardon my french, really frigging cool. So if you're planning on getting it on release day, it's worth going in this week and plunking down the five bucks to reserve a copy. Need motivation? Here, have a new trailer.

All I have to say is


Doubts About Battlefield 3

I was awaiting the November release of Battlefield 3 with great anticipation. That is, until user grove 123 posted this comment and sewed the seeds of doubt in my mind.


But luckily for me, user Tussin came forth and quickly dispelled all of my fears.


Phew, for a moment there I was worried that the gameplay would really be slower than a retard's thinking ability. False alarm!

Monday, September 26, 2011

RAGE Has John Goodman

How did I not know this?! Well shit, I might have to get this on release after all. Of course it has to launch the same day as Dark Souls. Fuck me, this is just like Sophie's choice.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

How To Make A Teaser

Leave it to the fans to show DICE how it's done.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

How Not To Make a Teaser

I got 99 problems but a compelling trailer ain't one.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Secret Weapons - EXTREME Xbox Case

Sure you might be TOTALLY ready for some BATTLEFIELD 3 ACTION OORAH! But is your xbox 360?! Well now it can be with the Vault Calibur 11, featuring Hole Technology (hehee).

Y'all Ready For Some Rocketbirds?!

This game looks awesome. PSN only though!

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Hello to all our reader! I just wanted to apologize for the lack of activity around here recently. Last weekend I was in Montreal for a trade show and managed to contract some kind of unholy super-virus, the likes of which you will only find on a Westjet airplane. I've had a bad case of strep throat all week and am basically hating life right now. I'm glad to see Jaison took this opportunity to step up to the plate and deliver JACK SQUAT!

Anyway my conscious hours have been mostly spent playing the vidya, so in no particular order, here are the games I've been playing.

Space Marine - Haven't gotten too far in this one yet. It's really fun though so far. I love how deadly serious, yet incredibly goofy the Warhammer universe is. Something only true nerds could dream up. Combat is incredibly satisfying and makes you want to RIP AND TEAR!!! A fun drinking game would be to take a drink every time someone in the game says "Space marine". You'll be smashed by the end of the intro.

Red Orchestra 2 - This is a game you will HATE the first time you play it. And probably the second time. And maybe even the third time. But the fourth time, oh man when this game finally clicks it is really satisfying. Then you'll get really annoyed again when you get sniped out of nowhere across the map because your fucking idiot team mates don't know how to throw a god damn smoke grenade. As much as I loathe/enjoy this game, I still think it's really buggy and clunky in a way that only indie PC games can be and I don't think it was really worth the $40 I spent on it.

Hard Reset - Loving this one too. It's a great game for 30 bucks and I think a lot of reviewers are being too hard on it for not sucking Call of Duty's dick. The singleplayer is on the short side, but exploring the levels, trying to beat your score and find all the secrets is part of the fun. Combat feels spot on, except for the slow weapon switching which is stupid. But who needs to switch weapons when you've got electric mortars? The combat is challenging which I enjoy, but the game holds your hand way too much when it comes to navigating through the levels.

Ace Combat Assault Horizon Demo - Holy turd nuggets this game is going to be good. This is what the last AC game on xbox 360 should have been. Much less anime and much more Top Gun. It looks fantastic and controls enough like a regular AC game that it's very easy to get the hang of. There is also a chopper flying mission where you have to support troops on the ground. It's very fun, but in typical Ace Combat fashion, it drags on a bit too long and will have you wondering what fucking clown car all these enemies are popping out of.

Well, that's it for now. Let's all take a moment and fly in to the Danger Zone.

Renegade Ops

Out now on PS3, XBLA and soon on Steam! This game looks like a riot. Definitely brings me back to the days of playing Firepower 2000 with my friend on SNES. The story looks so goofy I can't help but laugh. Goddammit good games, why you all gotta come out at once?

Oh For Shit Sake

Hey it's like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, minus anything even remotely good.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hard Reset - It's Good to be Back

It came as a great surprise to me today when I noticed the demo for Hard Reset was up on steam. The game is due out next week (PC only, sorry guys) and retails for 30 bucks. If the full game can maintain the standard set by the demo, just let me say that is a fucking steal.

There is absolutely no doubt about it. This is a pure old school PC first-person shooter. It's fast, it's crazy and it's pure balls-pressed-firmly-against-the-wall fun. Want to take cover? Too bad you fucking nancy, there is no cover! Want to mash button prompts in a quicktime event? Get out of here you shit! Want to run and jump around like a maniac while crazy robots try to eat your balls for breakfast? Well Mister have I got a game for you!

This is a return to the times when guns were big, movement was fast and carnage was everywhere. Ok so it checks all the right boxes, but does it bring anything new to the table? You better believe it, nephew. One thing you will notice right away about Hard Reset is that enemies are fucking TOUGH. Your guns will plink away at them but you'll quickly get overwhelmed. Unless you use your environment to your advantage. When shot, electrical devices will shoot out lightning that fries the evil robots. Explodey barrels will....well you figure it out.

So you're running around, shooting and dodging but also scanning your environment for anything that can be used against your enemies. It adds another layer of strategy and really makes the game come alive. So a fast, fun and inspired game for 30 bucks. Where is the caveat? It probably looks like ass, right? Wrong again you dweeb! Hard Reset looks awesome. It's got a vibrant colour palette, with enough visual fidelity that it's still easy to tell where things are, even when the action gets intense.

Overall I guess you could say I really enjoyed this demo, and I eagerly await the full version's release. If you own a decent PC that plays games, you should check this one out!

Cool Interview with From Software

As a big fat nerd, I find it incredibly interesting seeing what goes into making my favourite games, and the people who make it all possible. These guys work really hard and love what they are doing. There are plenty of careers where they could be making a lot more money for less effort. It takes a special kind of crazy to want to work in this business.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Annoying Guy Makes Good Points About CoD

As much as this guy's voice makes me want to punch his face, I have to admit that he makes some really good points about the kind of crap that ruins games. If what he says is true (doubtful, but anyway) then MW 3 is going to be a total shit-fest.

Call of Dookie

My apologies for the sudden unexplained abscence, everyone. I have been stranded on the Rock for the past five days. No, not Alcatraz. Newfoundland. A place that is in many ways similar except everyone eats fish and calls you Buddy.

It appears Jaison has also been AWOL, forced to spend his days in exile upon Prince Edward Island. A place not unlike Treasure Island except instead of gold there is a bounty of glorious russet potatoes and miniature golf as far as the eye can see.

Anyway, we're back so let's get down to business. Namely the business of Modern Warfare 3, and how crappy it looks. Let's all eat a nice juicy russet potato and check out these Buddies at Gamespot playing, and generally sucking big fat balls at the multiplayer.

I know that given the massive shitstorm and mass exodus at Infinity Ward, combined with the timeframe they were given there was very little chance of this turning out good. But wow, it looks like a shitty expansion pack for MW 2. DICE is really trying to step up their game with BF 3 and in comparison this is just sad.

I was debating whether to pick this up at launch, but unless I see something really incredible before launch, I think I might be done with CoD for now.