Monday, September 27, 2010

The Worst Final Fantasy Character

I originally planned on writing an article about how Final Fatasy 13 is actually pretty fun. But after Jaison threatened to come to my house and cut my dick off with his full size replica broadsword, I had to reconsider. I guess we have to maintain some shred of credibility.....yeah, who am I kidding.

As you may recall, earlier we all unanimously agreed that Mog is the best character ever. So if I asked you who is the WORST Final Fantasy character ever, you'd probably say "All of them from Final Fantasy 8". Well normally I'd agree with you. But that was before I played FF 13. All the retards from FF 8 (Plus Tidus!) have got nothing on this one girl.

Yup it's Vanille. Despite being one of the only characters whose name isn't already a noun (Lightning, Snow, Hope, Toaster, Chair...), she's pretty much the most detestable character in any game ever. She is the fucking Jar Jar Binks of final fantasy. Vanille seizes every opportunity to act like a complete retard and generally annoy the piss out of players in any way possible. I already have a little sister for that, thanks.

And don't even get me started on her voice. It's squeaky and annoying, yet still ditsy and moronic. Her accent changes constantly from Australian to New Zealand to Afrikaans to British and back again. To quote Adam Corolla "You must be good looking, because you're absolutely unbearable to talk to." I haven't even played the game very long and already my rage is building.

At first I thought "Maybe I'm being too harsh here, maybe she is actually mentally handicapped." Well if that was actually the case maybe I'd let it slide, because even to a video game character, I am not that big of a dick. But nope, according to the manual she is just fun loving and carefree, with a childlike innocence. If my child acted like that I would spank some sense into them tout suite.

Then of course there is her weapon. Is it a spear? Is it a sword? Or a magic staff? No, it's a folding fishing rod! I swear I am not making this shit up. How fitting that the lamest character should have the lamest weapon. Ok guys, time to let this franchise die. You've officially run out of ideas. Oh and guess what, according to wikipedia vanille IS already a noun, it's french for VANILLA! FFFFGUURRAWAH!!!

In short, there are many good things about Final Fantasy XIII but Vanille is not one of them.


  1. AHAHAH, the final Pic. Is her eyes really like that, cause that's just gold.

    Do you know whats going to make video game history? Sure we got sex, violence, and all the stuff that politicians love to jump on.

    But what is finally going to make everyone blow their lids is when they make a character with full on retard.

    Corky - The video game.

  2. Haha when I thought of that I was thinking of Minsc from baldur's gate. Who else has a pet miniature giant space hamster?