Saturday, January 15, 2011

Know Your Guild Mates


As anyone who has played MMOs for a while will tell you, there are certain archetypes that inhabit the strange ecosystem within every guild. These are all 100% based on real people and my experiences with MMOs. Mega props to Jaison for the art work. Without farther ado, let's get to Know Your Guild Mates™!

The Noob


The Noob is different from players who are just new to the game in that he completely refuses to learn how to play, and lacks any understanding of the game mechanics. He will screw things up at any opportunity and waste many hours of careful planning. Although he is a huge source of frustration, he is usually kept around because he is also very amusing and generally pleasant to talk to. He is the guild's unoffical mascot.

The Racist


The Racist is a fairly productive member of the guild. He shows up on time, plays his part well and follows instructions. He would be a fine addition if not for his tendency to start spouting racial epithets on pretty much every occasion. Because of this he doesn't tend to be welcome in any guild for very long.

The Girl


The Girl is the rarest guild member, due to some kind of Highlander clause there can be only one in a guild at any given time. The girl can be old or young, skinny or fat, or any combination. It doesn't matter.

The girl's defining characteristic is her vagina. Her vagina grants her special privileges among the other guild members such as: free gold or items, invites to every event, and first pick of the loot. In return she is forced to tolerate sexual advances, declarations of undying love, and general sexist comments or rude behavior from other guild members.

The Alpha Nerd


The Alpha Nerd is almost always found in a leadership role. He runs things with ruthless efficiency and systematically sucks the fun out of every event. He can usually be found bitching people out over ventrillo or making awkward advances toward The Girl in party chat. He is a complete pushover in real life, but rules his virtual world with an iron fist. He knows everything about this game and will make you aware of it at every opportunity.

The Creep


The Creep is unremarkable except for his tendency to come out of nowhere and say the creepiest things for no reason. Nobody knows how he got into the guild or why he is still there. Makes The Girl extremely uncomfortable at all times. If left unchecked, his creepiness escalates over time. Usually culminates in one or more guild members filing a restraining order in real life.

The Crotchspawn


The Crotchspawn is only a guild member because of an older brother or friend. He is generally unliked by everyone because of his foul mouth and spoiled attitude. He knows swear words and sexual terms that don't even officially exist yet. The guild eagerly awaits the day his brother leaves so they can kick his snotty ass to the curb.

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