Aquanaut's Holiday Impressions

Good day friends, how are you? I just managed to get my greasy mitts on a copy of the semi-obscure game Aquanaut's Holiday for PS3, so that's what we'll talk about today. Aww yusss.

When I first heard about this game I was really excited because I thought it was about the LEGO Aquanauts. Then I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. Then I was excited again because it's actually a game where you explore the ocean and discover different fish. Let me tell you something, the ocean is just rad as all hell. Fucking stingrays, turtles, anemones, sunken treasure. It's got it all. I love watching documentaries about the ocean (Yes ladies, I am still single).

First let me start by saying the title is incredibly misleading. Not only is your character not an aquanaut (He's actually a reporter) but he's also not on holiday. In fact you go to this marine research center to investigate a scientist's disappearance. Maybe that's a holiday...if you're Nancy Drew.

That would probably have made a much better game, in retrospect. This is because your character is actually a huge moron, and constantly repeats the instructions given to him by the only other 2 characters in the game. Why they let this genius have control of a multi-million dollar submarine is beyond me. Anyway...

Ok so you control Captain Shortbus, who pilots a talking submarine (Yeah, it can talk. Everything in this fucking game talks) around the ocean floor cataloging fish. Sounds fun right? Well that's when the game says "Well hold your gosh darned horses there Mr. Dinglenuts!!! We can't go letting you have too much fun now can we?"

There are some kind of sonar navigation buoys floating every 10 yards. And you can't explore any farther until you replace the batteries in each one. So you have to catalog fish and crap to get money, then go back to the base and buy batteries. Then go back and activate the buoy. Repeat every 3 minutes. It's tedious and annoying as all hell. Right now there is an awesome looking sunken ship sitting just out of reach...taunting me. But I can't get to it yet because I can't reach the stupid buoy and it's infuriating.

This is compounded by the fact that nothing in this game ever shuts the hell up. They love to drone on about inane things in hilarious engrish. It would be funny if it wasn't so boring. I literally peed due to boredom. I just want to explore the ocean, but I can't because the magical annoyance fairy shit all over this game. You know what? I don't even care about finding Professor Poopsock anymore, I'm gonna go eat some fish sticks. Peace!