Back on the Scene

Today is a very special day. It may yet live in infamy my friends. Today officially marks the beginning of my return to PC gaming. It's taken many years, but a man's will can only hold out for so long.

I've been a PC gamer at heart since the first time I played Wolfenstein on my cousin's pc many years ago. Unfortunately, sometime around the start of this console generation I realized that constantly upgrading PC hardware to play the latest games is about as worthwhile as wiping your ass with wads of money then flushing them down the toilet.

I couldn't bring myself to replace my video card for the 20th time, or update my drivers, defrag my hard drive and sacrifice a goat to the pagan gods just to make games work on the damn thing. I didn't have the time, the energy or the money to continue with it. And people wonder why console games sell so much better these days.

So what brought me back? Honestly I don't really know. It seems that finally PC games are looking good enough compared to consoles that it's worth the frustration of trying to get them to work properly. I've got some money to blow and there are some great looking titles on the horizon. Not to mention Steve and Jaison both got new PCs. Thanks, assholes.

So today I ordered a bunch of parts I don't really understand off NCIX.com and am praying to the pagan gods that when the box shows up on my doorstep next week I am able to assemble them into some sort of PC shaped object. I already bought two sacrificial goats. You can't leave these things to chance.

Yeah, Pretty Much

Another Hawken Trailer

More Hawken Videos

Just take my god damn money already you bastards! Go on take all of it!

Jonah's Arcade

Ever wish there was a comedy show on TV based on videogames... No, well neither did Comedy Central. This is the pilot they passed on for Jonah's Arcade. It's basically Tosh.0 for videogames, if Tosh.0 was funny HaHa and not funny sad.

Space Marine Demo is Out

Are you a BIG MAN with BIG GUTS?! Do you like to RIP and TEAR?! Then you my manly friend need to download the HELL out of the Space Marine demo on your MANLY console of choice!

KILL ORKS with your BIG GUNS. Kill them ALL KINDS OF DEAD!! YEAH! Chainsaw swords. Rocket launchers. The FURY of a thousand DEATHS!! That is what I am talking about!! HERE COMES THE NIGHT TRAIN CHOO CHOO CHA BOOGIE

Xbox Indie Games Summer Uprising

With considerably less fanfare than the Summer of Arcade, this week kicked off the start of the Indie Games Summer Uprising on the Live marketplace.

Indie games on Live have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. They're cheap, they're amusing and some of them are actually really good. If you have a few extra points kicking around, they're a great way to piss away an afternoon when you should be doing more important things like bathing the dog.

Colonial Marines Gameplay

Finally some gameplay from the upcoming Aliens game. Looks awesome so far. Each day my boner for this game becomes more powerful!

If I have one complaint though it's that every Aliens related game has to copy the movies down to a T. You've gotta have marines acting cool, you gotta have a power loader fighting aliens, you have to have a showdown with the queen. It's like, Jesus christ guys god forbid you try to bring anything new to the franchise.

It's a Revolution, Baby (Deus Ex)

Tonight on the way home from work I picked up the much anticipated Deus Ex: Human Revolution for 360. After a couple hours of playing, I figured I'd give my impressions for anybody who is on the fence about this game.

If you've never played the original Deus Ex, you should be ashamed. Go to your room and spank yourself! If you have, then Human Revolution will feel pretty familiar. Actually if you've ever played a FPS-RPG hybrid, then you should feel pretty comfortable with the mechanics. You can sneak up on dudes and perform stealth kills, shoot them in the face, hack computers and upgrade your stealth killing, face shooting abilities.

The story starts out pretty standard. Some science guys are working on artificial robot arms and some other guys don't like that I guess? So then much shooting and exploding happens and your girlfriend gets kidnapped. Also you get your shit blown up. But then you get brought back with a bunch of robot parts. Like a less cool version of Robocop. Except your sunglasses have become part of your face.

Overall the story is somewhat interesting so far. I do find the concept of transhumanism and human augmentation very intriguing. Unfortunately HR seems to fumble awkwardly with it, stopping every so often to beat you over the head with some moral quandary. It just never has any of the impact it should. In my opinion, these themes have been explored to much greater effect in other media. But maybe I'm firing off prematurely (I have that problem a lot), I don't think I've experienced enough of the story yet to come to a real conclusion.

Gameplay feels very streamlined, like most RPG franchises ported to consoles. Not that it's a bad thing, as much of the tedium has been removed. You're free to use stealth or brute force, and are rewarded appropriately for each. The levels have some very nice branching paths, which bring back good memories of the first Deus Ex. There are lots of items and weapons to find, and overall the game just feels very cohesive.

Sadly in some areas the game doesn't feel as fleshed out as it could be. NPCs will repeat the same lines of dialog over and over. I was trying to defuse a bomb and they all kept yelling at me "HELP GET US OUT OF HERE!" "HELP GET US OUT OF HERE!" Maybe if you'd shut your god damn traps so I could concentrate here... Anyway, Enemy AI doesn't seemed to have changed much since the original, goons are still dumb as posts. I guess that leads me to my biggest disappointment. Overall it doesn't seem like the franchise has evolved very much. I mean, it's certainly more approachable. But sadly nothing that I've seen so far has surpassed what I played a decade ago in the original.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a very worthy game. Just maybe not the Revolution we were hoping for. Haha ha oh man, I was holding onto that one all night!

Rant of Today

Today's Rant of Today is useless Xbox Live Deals of the Week. I don't want fucking Rock Band songs, or Lips songs or original xbox games. Crap like that nobody wants should have it's own section. Come on Microsoft, would it kill you to throw us a freaking bone here? Steam sales kick the everloving shit out of XBLA sales.

Jaison says they've been shit lately because of Summer of Arcade, and Microsoft wanting people to buy those overpriced games instead. Which makes a lot of sense, but it's still annoying. Sorry assholes, you're not getting me to buy fruit ninja!

Ugh, Why Namco?

Apparently some marketing genius decided that Dark Souls wasn't "Hip" or "Fresh" enough, or whatever the kids say these days. So here's the new trailer we get.

Jesus guys, everyone knows there's nothing more uncool than trying too hard to be cool. That's why Demon's Souls was so much better than all the retarded crap coming out these days. It didn't need Epic Set Piece Battles or Fifty Cent doing voiceovers. It was what it was, and it didn't give a fuck about you.

Now this is how you make a trailer.

Procrastinator's Challenge Results

The results are finally ready! The procrastinator's challenge which ended on Sunday was a real nail-biter. Naturally we both pulled through in the end. Jaison finished Halo ODST while I knocked off Fear 3 and Alan Wake.

I almost didn't make it though. Fear 3 went really quickly with the ending just sort of sneaking up on me as I finished a mediocre boss fight. Alan Wake was a different story. Apparently I wasn't as far as I thought (That game is pretty damn long) and ended up finishing it an hour before the deadline. Anyway congratulations to both of us! To the victors go the spoils. A big fat old bag of JACK SQUAT. Yaaaay

Overall we both enjoyed this challenge, and we would definitely be down for another one sometime. Hopefully that can happen before summer's end, but with Deus Ex coming out next week it might be tough. If any of you guys want to participate next time, leave us a comment or send us an email and maybe we can all finish some of the games we own!

Secret Weapons - Anime Glasses

I'm getting a pair for Jaison, so he can finally achieve his life long dream of being an anime.



Kawaii desu sugoi!!~~

The Best Searches for Our Site

One cool feature StatCounter provides users with (Besides precise ePeen measuring) is the ability to see what search words people used to find your site. Some of the things people have googled to get here are pretty bizarre. Here are some of the better ones from recently.

minecraft best hose (I hope they meant house..)

daggerfall naked

single tear indian

snes games random messy pile

metal gear nes where do you start when you die

super fucker

teenage mutant ninja turtles level 3 can't make jump (Fuck that jump)

games to do with your dad (sounds vaguely sexual)

duke nukem strippers

kicked groin in pc game

all nerf guns in the world (Yes fucking ALL of them)

gamfug (i are smrt)

the gamefudge sex (Yes, the gamefudge sex. Accept no substitutes!)

Keith Conquers Canada

I for one welcome our new Dreamcast overlords.

New Ace Combat Trailer Inbound

All squadrons scramble! Massive amounts of fun detected in this sector!! Bravo Five, you're going in too hot. PULL UP!! *SSSSSSCHRBOOOOOM* God Dammit!!!!

Awesome Gears 3 Trailer

Rapping about video games and death metal? Holy shit, it's true. The 90's are BACK!! Now where did I put my pogs

Modern Warfare 3 Spec Ops Survival

Wow it looks...a lot like MW 2. Cool I guess? Dogs with bombs, now we're talking. Hopefully in the final release there'll be a killstreak where an AC-130 comes down and shoots dogs at the opposing team. Or perhaps some kind of "Orbital Dog Strike"

Procrastinator's Challenge

Since there isn't much coming out until fall, Jaison and I decided to stop being such lazy puds and actually finish a few of the games we own. Since internet glory and fear of public humiliation are the only things capable of motivating us, The Procrastinator's Challenge was born.

For the challenge Jaison has chosen to finish Halo ODST while I, being twice as awesome, have pledged to finish F.E.A.R 3 and Alan Wake. Games must be completed no later than Sunday August 14th at 12:00 PM. Anyone failing to complete the challenge will receive a public shaming and be forced to play Golf on Virtual Boy for no less than one hour.

If you've got a few games you need to get around to finishing, feel free to join in the challenge and play along at home!

New RAGE Trailer

As Id's new game creeps ever closer to launch, we're learning more and more about the plot. And with each new trailer I grow a little more concerned. I mean, it certainly looks pretty. But that's about it.

I'm sad to say that the story as they have it laid out here does absolutely jack shit for me. Stop me if you've heard this one before. A guy wakes up in a so-called "vault", since he dwells there you could even call him a "vault dweller". He then ventures out into a wasteland and joins up with a rag-tag group of freedom fighters to combat (super) mutants and an oppressive military force trying to rule the wasteland with an iron fist.

Yeah, real fucking creative guys. Total cutting edge stuff here. I love how our two factions are known as "The Authority" and "The Resistance". Because we wouldn't want people getting confused about who is the bad guy here. At least the Enclave in Fallout looked pretty impressive. The authority guys look a lot like the Crimson Lance from Borderlands.

The dialog in the trailer was also pretty cheesy and bad all-around. I mean, "Take him to the kill room"? You guys kill so many people that you need to designate a whole room for it? Maybe you should re-evaluate your business practices. "Excuse me Stu, may I use your kill room?" "Why yes of course, head down the hall and take the first left at the day spa." Also, nice use of the Kyle Scream in the trailer (at 2:30).

On the other hand, maybe I should just shut up. We both know we'll be buying this game anyway.

The Best Gets Better

Breaking news, if you buy the 3rd Humble Indie Bundle now for more than the average price (Around 5 bucks as I type this) you get all of the games from the 2nd one included free.

This includes Braid, Cortex Command, Machinarium, Osmos and Revenge of the Titans. Braid alone is worth the price of admission if you don't have it. So that makes ELEVEN games for five bucks, with as much of that as you want going to charity. I consider myself pretty jaded by gaming nerd standards, but that is just too fucking cool.

Indie Game Round-Up

With summer bringing a pretty dismal selection of big-name titles, I've taken this opportunity to try out some indie games. With nothing but rehashes and sequels on the horizon, I was hoping something fresh might break me out of this rut and give my sad life purpose again.

Well that didn't happen, but I did play some really fun games. Anyway here's what I found.

Terraria - What minecraft might have been if minecraft was more of a game and less of an OCD simulator. The ease of crafting, better sense of progression and actual fun combat make this an incredibly addictive experience. Rating: A+


Cogs - I've always enjoyed puzzle games but get frustrated with them very easily. I was really impressed by this block sliding puzzler with a twist. Many puzzles take the form of actual clockwork inventions that activate when you complete them. This game definitely goes the extra mile with it's presentation. Rating: 8.5/10


VVVVV - Haha those are supposed to be spikes. I get it, very cute. This is a balls-out-the-ass hard platformer with a truly retro feel. I really dig the presentation, but find myself getting too frustrated with the gameplay. Maybe it's an issue with my setup (With PCs all bets are off), but I don't find the controls responsive enough. When I try to jump for the ceiling there's this tiny delay that causes me to miss way more jumps than I should. In a game where timing is everything, it's a deal-breaker. Rating: Close but no cigar

And Yet it Moves - Or as I like to call it, Motion Sickness: The Game. The world rotates around your guy sort of like Loco Roco, only Loco Roco doesn't make me puke my fucking guts out every five minutes. The platforming itself is pretty good, but not good enough to keep me playing this game. Rating: Two thumbs way covered in vomit.


Crayon Physics Deluxe - Part Scribblenauts and part tech demo, this game is actually quite solid. You really have to think outside the box for some solutions. However, like scribblenauts, one of the downfalls to these sandbox puzzle games is that you always wonder if you cheated by mistake. Rating: Three stars


Capsized - A side-scrolling, physics-based action platformer. Yikes. This game is trying to be a lot of things, and to that end it succeeds and fails in equal measure. First off, Capsized looks great. It's easily worth the price of admission for that. Unfortunately the controls are pretty clunky and over-complicated. The physics based puzzles are are very cool, but occasionally frustrating. It sucks trying to drag a rock when it keeps getting caught on bits of geometry. I wish I could give this game a wholehearted recommendation, but I just can't.
Rating: A half-hearted recommendation


Dishwasher : Vampire Smile - This one was on XBLA and I'll just say it freaking rules. Don't be put off by the silly name and art style that looks like something a greasy goth kid would draw on his binder in social studies. This is one of the best action-platformers to date. Super fast and fluid combat, local and online co-op, tons of weapons and powers. It's visceral, it's gory, and it's only 800 MS points. This is the video game your mom warned you about. If you like your side scrollers hectic and your violence gratuitous then you need to check this one out. Rating: A Gold Star