Games I Like - Diablo 1

If you asked most people what is the best game Blizzard ever made, they'd probably say World of Warcraft. Well lots of people are idiots. Blizzard has made many great games, but Diablo has to be my favorite of them all.

"But why not Diablo 2?" you ask. Well just hold onto your butt for a minute I will get to that. First I want to get all lame and nostalgic and say they really don't make games like this any more. Even the upcoming (Sometime this century) Diablo 3 looks lame and childish in comparison to the first Diablo game. This was a game that was scary. When I was younger, even the opening movie made me piss in my undies.


It also came with one of the coolest manuals I can remember. It was full of lots of drawings and backstory about the game, which you never see these days. The manual was actually better than many fantasy books I have read. It did a good job of letting you know what was going on in the world and describing some of the horrors that awaited you. And what horrors they were. To anyone who has played this game, just mention "The Butcher" to them and watch them curl into a fetal position.

That's a big part of why I love the game so much. It had such an incredible atmosphere. So dark and brooding, you were always afraid of what was hiding just out of range of your torch. The music was excellent and added a lot to it. Overall it was just such a cohesive experience. Everything came together perfectly to create a game that was very memorable and sticks with you for a long time. To me that is what makes an excellent game.

And that's also why I don't like Diablo 2 nearly as much. It expanded and improved on pretty much everything from a gameplay standpoint, but in doing so they lost the magic of the first. Too many well-lit outdoor environments, recruiting allies, and a less focused story diluted the experience.

Even though the gameplay doesn't hold up quite as well, for it's time it was incredible. It was the first game I had ever played with randomized dungeons and loot. The sheer variety of weapons and armor was awesome and kept me hooked for months. The three classes were pretty basic; Warrior, Rogue, Sorcerer. But they got the job done without any overlap. Finding scrolls, potions, gear and books was super addicting and paved the way for much of the loot whoring you see in MMO's today. I'd say even games like Borderlands owe some credit to Diablo.

If Diablo had a true spiritual successor though, I'd have to say it's Demon's Souls. When describing it to my brother, the first thing I thought of was "It's like Diablo...except the gameplay is completely different". It's got that same dark, mature fantasy feel. Where you are actually scared to face these demons. But you know you have to, because the townspeople are counting on you! And there is something even more important at stake, AWESOME FUCKING LOOT!!

Mythbusters : COD Black Ops Edition

More Fanboy Names

Jaison and I thought up some more good ones tonight:

Gaystation Pee (Playstation 3)
Sex-cocks Pee city (X-box 360)
Wii-ner (Wii)
Super Nintendong Dick-ty four (N64)
Gaystation Poo (PS 2)
Virginal Boy (Virtual boy)
Turd-o Grafucks Dickteen (Turbo Grafx 16)
Faga Ass-turd System (Sega Master System)
Gayboy (Gameboy)
Faga Genedicks (Sega Genesis)
Doodie Pre-menstruation (Deadly Premonition)
Gayonetta (Bayonetta)
Womb raider : Underwear (tomb raider underworld)
Gaylo Whores (Halo Wars)
Penis Wright : Ass-is-horny (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney)
Ass steroids (Asteroids)
Takin'-a-poo (Tekken 2)
Breath of Fart Poo (Breath of Fire 2)
Metal Queer Solid Pee : Snake Beater (MGS 3 : Snake eater)
Professor Gay-ton and the bi-curious village (Prof. Layton and the Curious village)
Little Butt Penis (Little big planet)
Fuck Cunt (Duck Hunt)
Nintendong Pee ass (Nintendo DS)
Poke-your-mom's snatch (Pokemon snap)
King bum-darts (Kingdom hearts)
Final Fag-asy Attack dicks (FF Tactics)
BJ Hero (DJ Hero)
Dick Jam Crapstar (Def Jam Rapstar)
Skank (Shank)
Pooper Skeet Fighter Poo Turd-o (Super street fighter 2 Turbo)

That will be all for now.

Pic of the Day

NERD FIGHT!!

A nerd starts bitching out another nerd playing WoW at the Intel Extreme Masters Global Challenge in LA.

This is part of what makes me hate pro gaming. Actual sports are already full of these fuck sticks. The fact that you play a computer game way too much doesn't give you the right to be a total butt munch to anyone else.

Mass Effect 2 : First Impressions

After finishing the first Mass Effect I wasn't that impressed. While I enjoyed the game it was marred by technical difficulties, mediocre combat and a storyline that was a little too generic. That said, after playing the first few hours of the second game it looks like BioWare took the criticism to heart. Mass Effect 2 is superior to the original in almost every way. The combat is intense and engaging, the inventory system has been streamlined (almost to a fault), and the side missions have been improved. The game play overall is just fantastic. What isn't fantastic is the storyline, not so much in concept but in execution.

Warning minor spoilers

It starts out with Shepard (the main protagonist) dieing and being resurrected by a secret pro-human organization with a checkered past called Cerberus. An organization you actually fought against in the first game. An interesting concept in itself but it's down played way too much. As soon as you wake up it's back to business as usual, you're thrust into the middle of a fire fight no worse for ware. The fact that you've been missing, presumed dead for 2 years, the fact that they implanted robotics into your body to revive you, or the fact that your working with an extremist organization is taken way too casually. Everyone you meet seems to already know who you are and what you're doing, and it's never an issue cause you got aliens to kill. Or when it is an issue it's completely out of place.


Take for example when you first meet up with Ashley Williams, a former squad member from the first game. At the time you just rescued the colony she was sent to protect from an alien attack and saved her life. Do you think she'd be concerned about the colonists that didn't make it, or grateful that came in the nick of time, or how about just happy to see you're alive. No. Hell, she's not even surprised to see you. She's just pissed cause you're working with Cerberus. It's understandable that she'd feel this way but it's completely out of place to bring it up at this time. The whole conversation comes off as awkward and forced. I will give them credit though, at least they waited till after the battle to have this out, unlike most of the conversations in the game.


Another problem I have is the whole Paragon/Renegade system. If you're not familiar, during the dialogue sequences the game gives you options on how to respond. Paragon being good and Renegade being bad, well sorta bad. And based on those responses you earn paragon/renegade points that unlock more dialogue options in the future. The problem is the options aren't always what you'd expect. I'm playing as a renegade with a heart of gold. Basically my intentions are good but I'll do whatever is necessary to get the job done. Usually that works out but sometimes the renegade options are just plane evil. I'm not a heartless bastard, I still want justice, I just don't mind killing a few people to make sure that happens. Either way I just wish the choices were more consistent.

Overall I am having a blast with this game. I think part of the problem might be the fact that the gameplay has improved so much it ends up highlighting the flaws in the story all the more. But it is a step in the right direction and how can you be upset with that.

Fanboy Game Names

Earlier I was reading the comments below this article that Jaison sent me, and a particular one spoke to me.

gametr4x wrote:
"NFS Shift 2 a competitor?

Me and my friends actually renamed NFS Shift "NFS Shit" because it was a complete physics and controls disaster."

Such hilarious and clever wordplay, I couldn't believe my eyes! By simply removing the f, he made it sound like "Shit", which is a sick burn! I just had to come up with some of my own:

Need for Pee'd : Hot Fursuit (NFS Hot Pursuit)
Call of Doodie : Black Cocks (CoD: Black Ops)
Gran Turdshitsmo 5 (Gran Turismo 5)
Donkey Schlong Cuntry Peeturns (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
Septic Dickpee (Epic Mickey)
M'ass-is-fucked Poo (Mass Effect 2)
Unfarted Poo (Uncharted 2)
Whore-derlands (Borderlands)
Sphincterhell: Cuntdicktion (Splintercell: Conviction)
Biocock Poo (Bioshock 2)
Asshole Assers (Castle Crashers)
Red Dick Re-dong-tion (Red Dead Redemption)
The Faggoteur (The Saboteur)
Cock Land 2 (Rock Band 2)
Resi-dick Pee-vil 5 (Resident Evil 5)
Gaylo Pee (Halo 3)
Ass, ass n' pee'd (Assassin's Creed)
Enshaved, Odyssey to the Breasts (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
Monster Cunt-hair Pee-dom (Monster Hunter Freedom)
Queers of Whore Poo (Gears of War 2)
Poke Her Right in the Inventory (Poker Night at the Inventory)
DickSpank: Dongs-that-hurt-you (Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue)
Crapman Pee-sex (Pacman DX)
Shatman: Fartham Asy-bum (Batman: Arkham Asylum)

There's plenty more where that came from...

GT5 vs Forza 3

I guess comparing a sim racer to arcade racers is a little unfair. So here's an interesting comparison shot between 2 car sims. (Click for big)

I rest my case. Although I can't help but feel a little bad for them. GT 5 was obviously made by guys who love cars very much. Perhaps even a little too much, if the robust high-res photo mode is any indication. According to some of my friends who bought the game, there's almost an encyclopedic variety of cars from every decade. Most of them are more for novelty though and not any good at all to drive.

So why waste time including all these cars? I mean, I can sort of understand them. I love bicycles, and the riding thereof. But even though I'd love to own a 1987 Bianchi specialissima X4, I'd never want to ride one in the Giro d'Italia. I wouldn't want to ride a 91 Norco Kokanee in the Leadville 100 either. I guess I will just never understand the car-loving mentality.

Regardless, maybe if they'd spent less time meticulously modelling the interiors of a couple hundred cars, they could have spectators that don't look like this.


And now I'll shut up about this forever.

Games I Like - Natural Selection

Ok first of all, I know Natural Selection isn't technically a game, it's a total conversion mod for Half-life. But it's still awesome and completely it's own thing so I am going to talk about it.

Probably the thing I loved most about the original Half-Life was all the incredible mods that came out for it. Most of these were by far more creative and fun than many retail games at the time. The best of them all would have to be Natural Selection.

Natural Selection is a FPS where one team plays as the marines who are basically...the marines from Aliens. They have assault rifles, grenade launchers, heavy MGs and all that good stuff. One marine gets in the commander's chair and plays the game top-down like an RTS. They order their troops around, upgrade their weapons, and build structures. Playing as a marine was my favorite because of how suspenseful it was. This is what every Aliens game ever made should have been like.

The other team plays as the Aliens which are basically...the aliens...from Aliens. Crossed with the Zerg from Starcraft. Yeah, anyway the aliens play completely differently from the marines. There is no commander, and you can pick from a few different species of aliens. One species can run around on walls and pounce, one can fly and one can build structures. Resources are split evenly by the team, and you can use them to upgrade abilities or evolve into more powerful aliens.

The 2 teams fight on maps that are mostly space stations or space ships or colonies. Everything is very dark and industrial looking, and the game has a very cohesive feel, especially for a free mod. Gameplay was pretty well balanced for the most part, and teamwork was vital to winning. The scariest part of the game was when an alien player would get enough resources to evolve into an Onos, which is basically a giant alien rhino. It rips the shit out of everything, and could even swallow marines whole. Yeah, this game was so boss. I can't wait for the upcoming sequel!

Funny Black Ops Emblems

Here are a few emblems I made plus some other funny ones I found on the interbutt.

Gran Turismo 5 vs GRID and NFS: Shift

I am generally not one to go talking shit without backing it up (Wait, yes I am) so anyway here are a few videos for comparison. Make up your own mind, I am pretty sure at this point everyone knows whether they are buying it or not.

Gran Turismo 5

GRID and NFS: Shift

The Future is Here

Yet more riveting gameplay from the soon to be released Gran Turismo 5.

Yep, that sure was worth the wait. I know it's just supposed to be silly, but really this just highlights my issues with the Gran Turismo series. Everything is so technically proficient and polished, yet so utterly devoid of life and personality that it might have been assembled by robots in a vacuum.

Even the AI opponents behave like cyborgs, not responding when you use them as buffers when taking turns too fast. I didn't know it was possible to take something as exciting as racing sports cars and suck every last ounce of fun out of it. I know car guys are already furiously jerking their wieners at the thought of 1000 cars (Less than 50 of which you would ever actually WANT to drive), but I just can't generate any interest at all.

I much prefer games like Grid, or Dirt, or Need for Speed: Shift. Which may not accurately replicate the experience of slowing your Dodge Neon to a walking pace to negotiate a slight banking turn, but instead try to let regular people experience the thrill of driving expensive cars at ridiculous speeds. Call them arcade-y if you want, but arcades are fun. Taking simulated license tests in a video game is about as fun as shoving bees up your nose.

Games That Suck Ass: Virtual Bart

Hello and welcome to a new segment we are calling Games That Suck Ass! Original, I know. Without further ado, our first game will be...


VIRTUAL BAAAART!

That opening sound clip is forever lodged in my brain like so many crayola crayons. When I was a kid we didn't get many new games, so when you got one for Christmas it was a pretty big deal. One year my mom got us a copy of Virtual Bart for Sega. I heard the sega version is worse than the SNES version, but honestly regardless of console this game is a big smelly turd.

The game starts with Bart going to a science fair and climbing into some experimental Virtual Reality machine, because virtual reality was actually cool in the 90's. He becomes trapped inside, and has to conquer a bunch of virtual worlds to stop the machine and gain his freedom. Sounds really good in theory, but then so does communism.

Basically it plays out like a big minigame collection, with nothing connecting the various games. I have no problem with Simpsons minigames, except that these ones all blow farts out of an asshole. There are a couple platforming ones including a Dinosaur one and one where you play as a pig trying to escape from Krusty's pork factory. The controls work decently, but the levels are boring to look at and frustrating to play. I never actually beat either of them because I always got confused where to go and gave up.

There's one where you play as baby Bart which actually shows a little creativity, but in the end it's also pretty difficult and frustrating. There's one game that's supposed to be a parody of Mad Max where you race on a dirt bike through the wasteland. It's actually pretty fun and not overly difficult. It's one of the less shitty of the games, even if it is just a rip-off of Road Rash. The other decent game is the one where you fling tomatoes at your classmates as they walk across the screen. In retrospect it's pretty boring and shallow, but maybe the feces-fest that was the rest of the game made it seem fun in comparison.


By far the worst of them all has to be the waterslide level though. What a piece of dog crapping anus shit. You slide back and forth down a tunnel, dodging hundreds of the same repeating enemies while collecting life and clock icons. Every so often the path forks and the game gives you no indication which is the right way. Guess wrong and you run into Homer's butt, or fly out the end and die. It's so stupid and arbitrary, even as a kid I thought it was a load of fucking butt juice.

After watching some videos on youtube, apparently you're supposed to PAUSE the game, and look at the tiny bar up top for a red dot to tell you the right way. Yeah great fucking game design you geniuses. How would a kid EVER think to do that?! This game is such shit and it was even more disappointing to me than Aliens vs Predator on SNES. Watch this video complete with awkward announcer to see what I mean.

Don't Startle Me

I guess it would seem that Mirsky isn't the only bad team mate around. This is what happens when my idiot team mates scare me.

How To Be OK at Black Ops

I was all set to post a a guide for new players on how to be a total Pro at Black Ops, but then I realized that I am actually pretty mediocre at best. This is mostly due to the fact that A) I don't have a great connection, and B) Like all other facets of my life, I don't put in that much effort. So anyway, here are some tips to be pretty good at the game I guess.

1. Play Hardcore mode. Seriously, just do it. The game is so much less frustrating when you can just shoot a guy once and he dies. Instead of running through your hail of bullets to stab you in the face. It makes the game much more tactical and exciting. Lag can still be an issue, but overall it's a more positive experience.

2. Use claymores. Every single room in this game has multiple entrances, so it's great to have at least a little protection for your back. Place them inside the room so guys will run blindly into them, instead of spotting them from the doorway. People can spot them with Hacker, but I find it's so rarely used that it's not a big issue.

3. Rely on your team mates. You mean to take up positions, flank and cover each other? HELL NO. The sad fact is that 90% of players you encounter will be completely retarded. So if there's a room you're unsure of, always let a team mate go in first and be your bomb defusing robot. That way at least they are accomplishing something.

4. Use Spy plane. I know the little explosive RC Car is hilarious, but the fact is that you might get 1 kill out of it. Meanwhile you are left vulnerable and doing nothing for 30 seconds. Pick spy plane for your killstreak instead, as it can make a world of difference in Hardcore and is still pretty darn useful in core.

5. Flak jacket is great. Even if you're smart and use spy planes, chances are every single tard is going to be using the RC car. Flack jacket protects you from explosives including the cars unless they are directly beneath your feet. This will also help you survive grenades, claymores, C4 and noob tubes.

6. Try a higher sensitivity. The default controller sensitivity on consoles is pretty low. Try to set it as high as you can stand it, as this will help you line up shots and generally look around a lot faster. It will definitely take some getting used to though.


7. Don't be a Turd. Seriously, if you see a team mate's care package fucking leave it alone unless you double check and there are absolutely no friends or enemies around. So many times I have been killed while a team mate is trying to steal my shit instead of looking out for enemies.

8. Second Chance is awesome. Well, mostly in Hardcore where you can actually kill a person with the pistol. The pro version lets team mates revive you which is hella useful.

9. Avoid gimmicky weapons. The crossbow and ballistic knife look really cool, but unless you have a really good connection, they'll probably just cause you much frustration. If you're on a shitty connection like me you'll probably get a lot more mileage out of a rocket launcher. Pistols blow in core but they can also be semi-useful in HC.

10. Avoid Jaison. Especially if you are on his team. Dude team kills like it's his fucking business.

Monster Hunter Freedom 3 Trailer

SET ALL BONERS TO MAXIMUM!!!

WTF Japan? Boong ga Boong ga

We all know there are some pretty weird arcade games out there. Like ones that simulate dancing, or punching your boss. But I can honestly say this is the first time I have seen one that simulates sticking your fingers up someone's ass.

The object of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is to score points by spanking or performing kancho on a model of a human posterior embedded in the game's cabinet. A plastic finger is attached to the machine for players to perform the latter.

The game features eight characters players can punish: "Ex-Girlfriend", "Ex-Boyfriend", "Gangster", "Mother in Law", "Gold-digger", "Prostitute", "Child molester" and "Con-artist". During gameplay, the facial expression of the chosen character is displayed on a monitor.

The game also dispenses cards that rates players on their "sexual behavior", and for players who perform exceptionally well the machine will dispense a small plastic trophy in the shape of a pile of feces.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that this exists or the fact that they enjoy sticking their fingers up people's asses enough to make up a name for the technique.

My Experience with Second Life

Black Ops - Big D Impressions

This is it, Hotel Delta we are Oscar Mike! The game that's supposed to steal away MW 2's crown and do justice to the franchise. Jaison and I both picked it up launch day like good little robots, and after a hastily arranged first date we've both formed some opinions on the game.

If you've read the site at all you can probably tell that I am gay for Treyarch, and had really high hopes for Black Ops. So, does it deliver? Hell yes!...or Hell no...depending who you ask. I really enjoy the game for various reasons, none of which Jaison will agree on, so I will tell you about why this game is awesome and then he can tell you why it is terrible...if he feels like it, I guess. Whatever.

First off, singleplayer. It's awesome and even though I am only a couple hours in I already agree that it is the best in the series. This is mostly due to the fact that they actually try and give your character...well, a character. Instead of being a nameless grunt you are actually somewhat important. You talk to your team and feel like an equal part of it. It's no "RAMIREZ DO EVERYTHING!", even though they certainly do tell you what to do and where to go at every turn. It feels like you should do it to help your buddies, not just because Captain Fuckstick told you to.

The actual plot so far has been pretty interesting, if not particularly original. It gives you a compelling reason to go to different places and kill guys with various weapons, which is all I really ask of it. I have to give it a hand for being lightyears ahead of MW2's plot which was not only stupid but aggressively stupid.

Gameplay is very much what you'd expect from a COD for the most part. They do throw in some excellent twists at certain points though which I will not spoil. If you're down for some very well executed COD action then look no further, but if you're searching for a revolution look elsewhere.

But who cares, multiplayer is why everyone bought this game anyway. And it is pretty great. There are tons of maps, modes and unlocks to play with. My favorite additions are split screen online and a robust stat tracking system. You can even compare where you're hitting other players the most. I seem to favor the left leg for some reason while Jaison is pretty even. We both seem to focus of the crotch equally. What does that mean?

I like most of the maps except for Nuketown which is terrible and the jackholes that keep voting for it need a good punch in the chops. Gameplay has seen some really big balance tweaks which I am very stoked about. There is still the requisite amount of bullshit, for sure. But most of the game-ruining stuff from MW2 is thankfully gone. No more commando, One man army, models, tac knife, harriers or quickscoping.

Knifing and lag are still big problems but I guess it wouldn't be COD without them. Jaison has been raging pretty badly but overall I have been pretty chill, as indicated by my low SPM (Swears per minute) seen here.

Warfare...Warfare Never Changes

So long MW2

With the release of Call of Duty Black OPs just hours away I thought It'd be fun to take a look back at Modern Warfare 2 and all the good times we had together.







Fuck You MW2

Fuck Nature

This is why I litter.

Holy crap, it's just like Jurassic Park. Except instead of dinosaurs there are animals...So I guess it's just regular park.

Treyarch Bad Ass

Ever since copies of CoD Black Ops were leaked weeks ago, cheaters and fuckbags have been hard at work trying to ruin the game for everyone else. Today Treyarch responded to reports of hacks and glitches LIKE A BOSS.


This is going to be my one and only statement on this topic, so pay attention.

I got Twitbombed today from dozens of people the same 2 links. Some are people using old dashboards or old versions of the game. Others are claiming victory on old dev builds that don't even connect to the version of Xbox Live that you use. Others are reproducible issues that we will hotfix or patch just like we said we would. In essence, we likely know more about it than you do from watching a video on Vimeo or YouTube.

What many of these people want is to be Internet nerd famous. I'm not going to make them famous and you shouldn't either. Internet hysteria from normal people is exactly what they want and that's how many people reacted today. You gave them exactly what they want.

Given the opportunity, I'd personally wield the ban hammer for anyone who thinks he is clever by abusing any glitches. Good think I don't have the opportunity that often and we actually have a constructive, measured, and well-managed live ops team.

We said we would support the game. We are going to support it.

I've gone out of my way using my own limited, personal time to try and get to know about 8000 (and growing) as best I can. The last thing I want is for you to think that because I don't talk about it ... that we don't know or care about it. We didn't spend 2 years of our lives to toss it all in the trash in one day.

I thank all of you who sent in polite, constructive messages without the hysterics.

So here is my one and only public statement about it.

I'm not going to talk about it publicly. We are disinterested in making mini-celebrities out of douche-bags. You better think twice before you glitch. You never know who in your game doesn't like glitchers who reports you and saves the game in their File Share and tells us about it.

Our forum admins and VIPs along with JD_2020 (Community Manager) will be managing the communication directly.

David 'Vahn' Vonderhaar

Homefront...of Duty?

I had already written off the upcoming Homefront from Kaos studio as another shitty Modern Warfare rip-off, so naturally this trailer surprised me.

I can totally get behind what this guy is talking about. A game that focuses on civilians in the middle of a military conflict could be awesome. Sort of like the last 30 mins of Children of Men. Using stealth to avoid patrols and rig traps for unsuspecting soldiers. I am hella ready for this!

Unfortunately it's like what he's talking about and the game they are showing are completely different things. So you are not a super soldier...oh but you are a pilot who can fly military choppers. Ok. Also you're able to use high tech military equipment stolen from Koreans. I guess so? Aaand basically the game plays exactly like Call of Duty. Ok I think we're done here. Sorry guys, thanks for trying I guess.

More Fun Than The Real Thing

Wii vs Playstation Move

I know there's more to the equation than this, but it's still pretty hilarious.

Guy Really Likes Pokemon

*Warning For Swears and General Bad Language - Do Not Watch At Work*

New Vegas Classifieds

Couresty of SomethingAwful.