Jesus Christ, get a girlfriend already

Guy builds 1:1 scale Enterprise in Minecraft.

WTF Japan? - Dead Rising 2 Promotion

This one's for you, Jaison.

I guess the only way to promote a game with this much tits and ass is to film some girl's tits and ass while she plays it. Brilliant, guys.

No New Consoles?!

Well that's news to me! According to Michael Pachter of Pach Attack in this article, anyway. I'm with the author of the article on this one. From what I've heard about cloud gaming services like Onlive, it's not feasible now, or any time within the foreseeable future. I think Pachter is a smart guy, but I also think he's wrong on this one.

I can't be the only one that find this notion hilarious. With every new console generation people start bellyaching about how PC gaming is dead. So in the future we're all going to be playing our games over the internet, on someone else's computers? I doubt it. This just seems like one of those Beyond 2000 shows where they predict that in 10 years we will have robot butlers and submarine cars.

What I do think we'll see is the definition of 'console' become more blurred. As devices like the iphone and ipad become more and more powerful, and are capable of running games that rival any current handheld. I also see PCs and consoles becoming more integrated. Right now I have my PC and ps3 networked, streaming video and music between them and transferring files through FTP.

It's a great setup and enhances both of their functionality. The new ability to watch netflix on the PS3 is also a neat feature. I'd like to see more of the flexibility of PCs transfer over to consoles in the future. Like how we've had skype and other sweet VOIP apps on the PC forever, but they still can't get voice chat or a decent party system working on PS3. Not to say I want consoles to become PCs, because they certainly have their own appeal. Buying a game and knowing it will work without spending $200 on a new video card is nice...

The Worst Final Fantasy Character

I originally planned on writing an article about how Final Fatasy 13 is actually pretty fun. But after Jaison threatened to come to my house and cut my dick off with his full size replica broadsword, I had to reconsider. I guess we have to maintain some shred of credibility.....yeah, who am I kidding.

As you may recall, earlier we all unanimously agreed that Mog is the best character ever. So if I asked you who is the WORST Final Fantasy character ever, you'd probably say "All of them from Final Fantasy 8". Well normally I'd agree with you. But that was before I played FF 13. All the retards from FF 8 (Plus Tidus!) have got nothing on this one girl.


Yup it's Vanille. Despite being one of the only characters whose name isn't already a noun (Lightning, Snow, Hope, Toaster, Chair...), she's pretty much the most detestable character in any game ever. She is the fucking Jar Jar Binks of final fantasy. Vanille seizes every opportunity to act like a complete retard and generally annoy the piss out of players in any way possible. I already have a little sister for that, thanks.

And don't even get me started on her voice. It's squeaky and annoying, yet still ditsy and moronic. Her accent changes constantly from Australian to New Zealand to Afrikaans to British and back again. To quote Adam Corolla "You must be good looking, because you're absolutely unbearable to talk to." I haven't even played the game very long and already my rage is building.


At first I thought "Maybe I'm being too harsh here, maybe she is actually mentally handicapped." Well if that was actually the case maybe I'd let it slide, because even to a video game character, I am not that big of a dick. But nope, according to the manual she is just fun loving and carefree, with a childlike innocence. If my child acted like that I would spank some sense into them tout suite.

Then of course there is her weapon. Is it a spear? Is it a sword? Or a magic staff? No, it's a folding fishing rod! I swear I am not making this shit up. How fitting that the lamest character should have the lamest weapon. Ok guys, time to let this franchise die. You've officially run out of ideas. Oh and guess what, according to wikipedia vanille IS already a noun, it's french for VANILLA! FFFFGUURRAWAH!!!

In short, there are many good things about Final Fantasy XIII but Vanille is not one of them.

Games To Play With Your Dad

I had this weekend off, so I decided to spend some of it hanging out with my dad. Naturally the bulk of our time was spent playing video games, so I figured I'd compile a short list of games that are fun to play with your dad (Or alternately, your 5 year old).


Guitar Hero/Rock Band - My dad really enjoys the guitar hero games. He always plays bass on easy or occasionally medium if he's feeling pumped. I own Rock Band for PS2, but a lot of the songs are too weird for him to get into. Also forget drums or singing. If there was a Bass Hero I'd just buy him that instead.

Split/Second - This is a good racing game for dads because it's not overly technical. Brake, gas and one button to explode things. Lots of crazy stuff going on, it's a real hoot especially the mode where the trucks drop exploding barrels on you.

Castle Crashers - I thought this would be a little too difficult for my dad, but it turns out he loves it. He doesn't quite grasp stuff like blocking or magic, but it's still a great button mashing beat 'em up. Being able to revive other players is a godsend. Scott Pilgrim might also be a good dad game but we haven't tried it yet.

Soul Calibur - Any fighter that rewards wild button mashing will do, but for some reason he enjoys Soul Calibur the most. Probably because he can make his own character that looks like a viking with a big-ass hammer.


Little Big Planet - This is more of an advanced dad game. The controls are simple and there's plenty of silly stuff to keep him entertained, but the floaty platforming makes it frustrating. We can only get so far in the singleplayer because some of the jumps are just too hard for him to make.

Blur - Ok, this game was MADE for dads. I think it's by far my dad's favorite game. It's basically Mario Kart but with real cars. Even if you're not skilled at racing games you can often win just by pure luck. He always beats me with the damn volkswagen beetle and it is super frustrating.

So there are just a few. Of course the standard Wii sports games like bowling and golf apply but you already knew that. I am going to pick up Playstation Move at some point to see how well they go over with my dad, so stay tuned!

Games I'm Not Getting

Wow, this holiday season is literally chock full of awesome releases. I know you guys are all keen to know what games I am picking up, but there are so damn MANY that it's easier for me to list the ones I am not getting and why.


NBA 2k11 - The last basketball game I played was Barkley's Shut Up and Jam on the genesis. As far as I am concerned it's the only one I need.

DJ Hero 2 - I tried to play the demo for this but it wouldn't let me because I haven't purchased the DJ Hero Controller. I'm not going to invest in this shit without trying it first!!

Fallout : New Vegas - I am perfectly happy with Old Vegas, thanks.

The Sims 3 - I can think of much better ways to occupy my girlfriend....If I had one.

World of Warcraft Cataclysm - I don't play WoW, so I am not buying this expansion pack when I have nothing to expand upon!

God of War: Ghost of Sparta - I like God of War but I still need to play the 3rd one so I don't want to spoil the story, maybe I will buy it later.

Epic Mickey - This game looks kind of lame and also I don't own a Wii.

Driver : San Fransisco - I played the first one on PS1 and liked it but then I got the second one and it got a scratch on it. I never finished it so playing this would just be too weird.

The Amazing Race - The only way I would buy this is if there was a minigame where you have to smack yourself in the face with a watermelon.

Kirby's Epic Yarn - This game looks pretty cool, I have always been a fan of Kirby but I don't own a Wii.

Two worlds 2 - So what are we up to now, 4 worlds? I'm sorry but that's a bit excessive. I'll pass.

Another Awful Name

Regardless of how you feel about the actual game, I think we can all agree that Dissidia 012: Duodecim Final Fantasy is a fucking terrible name. I don't even know why these awkward, bizarre, engrish-y names drive me right up the god damned wall. I can't be the only one can I?

I cry a single Indian tear every time I watch these jerkwads brutally mangle the English language, slam it's head in the car door, piss on it and leave it for dead. It's just not right...

Sony Being Dicks Again

I don't know if that's news any more than the sun rising in the morning or Paris Hilton snorting coke. Regardless, there you go. The gist of it is basically that among borking various other things, Sony's new 3.50 firmware update disables most unlicensed USB controllers.

Of course this is in response to the USB mod chips, but leave it to Sony to fuck over their customers in an attempt to cover their own asses. I want to feel sorry for you Sony, but you make it so damn hard sometimes.

New Bioshock is going to bio-rock!

It took me like an hour to come up with that one.

Fan-FUDGING-tastic. I know it seems sort of gimmicky that they just moved rapture to the sky, and as usual the symbolism couldn't be more heavy handed if it was wearing a lead glove filled with osmium. But you know what? I don't care said Pierre.

The city itself has always been the star of the show and it looks beautiful. The characters could all be talking turds that speak in farts and I will still buy this game.

Awesome Product Placement

Normally I wouldn't give a green fried shit about Phantasy Star Portable 2, but this has got to be the best product placement since Yo! Noid.


Apparently they've decided to kick it up a notch with their next release of the game and include Col. Sanders as a party member. I really hope there's a sidequest to hunt down all 11 legendary herbs and spices.

Why Minecraft is Awesome

This is funnier than the time I was putting a new roof on my minecraft house when I fell off and died.

Front Mission Evolved Might Suck

I am a big fan of the Front Mission series. I enjoy strategy RPGs and I enjoy giant fighting robots even more. They must have been reading my diary when they thought this one up...Not that I have a diary.

Anyway I was super excited when I recently learned there was another Front Mission coming out soon! And it's a third person action game. "That's cool." I thought, "I love Mech Warrior and like Armored Core". Well I should have been suspicious when I hadn't seen a single second of gameplay footage this close to release. After some digging I found this video on GT.

It just looks...really bland. Like vaseline on toast. When will developers realize that what people like about giant robots isn't that they're slow and clunky. It's that they're powerful and destructive. I want it to be like Shadow of the Colossus, except I am the colossus and I am squishing the crap out of people and blowing up their homes.

I want to punch a robot into a building and the building falls down. I want to stomp on 2 cars and use them for roller skates. I want the ground to tremble and windows to shatter whenever I fire my giant cannon. Dear diary please make this happen.

WTF Japan? - Galgun

So here's what looks like a regular shitty old lightgun game, but instead of shooting bad guys or monsters you shoot little girls to make them fall in love with you.

I know it's the title of the article and all, but seriously....the FUCK japan?

A New Demon's Souls??

Amnesia : The Dark Descent

If there's one thing I like, it's a good survival horror game. If there's another thing I like, it's a good adventure game. Well the geniuses at Frictional Games managed to combine the 2 in a way that I could only have dreamed of.

Out now on PC (The gentleman's gaming platform), Amnesia: The Dark Descent is a first person adventure/survival horror game that promises scares, puzzles and a compelling story.

So does it deliver? Like a pizza boy in a porno movie. This is hands down one of the creepiest, most engrossing adventure games I have played in a long time. You play as a guy named Daniel who wakes up in a creepy old castle and suffers from, wait for it...Amnesia! Crazy I know. So you are trying to figure out what is going on by collecting pages from your diary and reading memos spread around the castle. Not very original I know, but the voice acting really sells it. The story has really held my interest so far.


As you explore the castle you carry a lantern and some tinder that you can use to light candles and lamps. These are your only source of light and the only thing keeping you sane. When the lights go out and it's pitch black, the shadow engulfs you and your sanity slowly decreases. You hear strange noises and your vision goes blurry. You can regain sanity by solving puzzles, which is kind of funny when you think about it, but it's a mechanic that works quite well in the game.

During your adventure you will come across various freaky-ass monsters who will try to eat you. So you stab them with your sword right? WRONG IDIOT! You don't have a sword, or a knife or a gun. All you can do is run like hell to get away. Then lock yourself in a closet and pee your pants like a little baby.

This is one of those games that might not have the most cutting edge graphics, but the art design is awesome. If I had to think of a word to describe the atmosphere in the game, it would be "oppressive". It just fills you with a constant sense of dread. You know the only way to go is down, and whatever is waiting for you there is not gonna be good.

Know the best thing about this game? It's only $20 on steam. That's 1/3 the price of Madden Roster Update 2011 or whatever other shitty game you bought recently. So get Amnesia: The Dark Descent, but remember to wear a diaper while you're playing it because you will SHIT your pants!

Incredible FF XIV Trailer

Holy god damn freaking CRAP that looks INSANE!! I am currently in the beta for FF XIV and I can attest to the cut scenes and story related quests being fantastic. It's a shame it still has it's fair share of typical MMO crap surrounding it.

As someone who played a lot of Final Fantasy XI, I thought the story in it was among the best in the series. It's a shame these couldn't be single player games, because they would be so much better story-wise than the last few single player final fantasies I've tried.

Best Video Game Ending

This Reviewer Totally Gets Me

With the impending release of Halo: Reach, or as I like to call it "Halo: Reach into your pocket and steal all your money", I've been seriously debating whether to give the franchise one more chance.

I own Halo 3 but I haven't beaten it, or put more than a few hours into the multiplayer. It's a franchise I've tried hard to like, but just can't for reasons I've found very difficult to articulate. Until I read this review of Halo 3 by GameCritics.

I think it's unfair to call the gameplay mechanics of Halo outdated. I can play Doom or Duke 3D and still have a blast with them today. Good gameplay mechanics don't have an expiry date. I know it's treason to say his, but maybe Halo's weren't that great to begin with.

What the reviewer really does a good job of explaining though, are the problems with the story and overall schizophrenic tone of the games. The Halo series seems to really have a problem with taking itself far too seriously, and at the same time not seriously enough. We have all this orchestral music playing, and an ad campaign that promises an epic space opera.


Then we are just running around a base or through the jungle while these funny little alien guys scream and run around like retarded Jar Jar Binks rip-offs. You have your idiotic squad mates that sound like the frat boys this game is clearly aimed at. It just totally demolishes any sort of tension or atmosphere they had created so far.

Halo: Reach looks like it addresses a few of my problems with the series though. The designs look better, the overall mood seems more somber and mature, and there's a sprint feature. Most of all, running up and bashing enemies with your gun is no longer more effective than shooting them with it. I may have to give this one a try...

More One Sentence Reviews

Ace Combat 6 - Better looking, yet somehow inferior in every other way to Ace Combat Zero. 6.5/10

Bioshock 2 - The best bioshock game since Bioshock 1. 9/10

Resident Evil 5 - A great co-op experience that other wise pales in comparison to RE 4. 8/10

Heavy Rain - I only played the first 20 minutes, but the lack of a spank and a 'Got your nose' button makes this the worst fatherhood simulation I have ever played. 4/10

Aliens vs Predator - Everyone hates this game but me. 7.5/10

Super Street Fighter 4 - A great fighting game marred only by the decision to include Ken. 8/10

Retro Game Challenge - Just like all those NES games you loved as a kid only not fucking impossible this time. 9/10

Deadly Premonition - The Citizen Kane of bargain bin games. - 10/10

Fuel - I'd rather eat bees than play this fuckload of ass again. 3/10

People have too much time on their hands

Ha Ha Ha Ha

Games I Like - Duke Nukem 3D

Hail to the king, baby! I was going to talk a bit about the news that Duke Nukem Forever is actually coming out now, but I'm sure we've all heard about that already. Instead I'm going to talk about one of my all-time favorite PC games, Duke Nukem 3D.

When I first played this game, it totally blew my 13 year old mind. Guns, aliens and pixelated tits. What more could a boy ask for? When it came out in '96 it was like nothing people had ever played before. It was loud, crude, and totally hilarious. 3D Realms managed to capture everything I love about PC gaming. It had fantastic gameplay with tons of innovative weapons like freeze rays, shrink rays, pipe bombs and trip mines.

What was really memorable to me though was how much you could interact with the environments. Many games today STILL aren't as interactive as Duke 3D. If you saw a crack in the wall you could blow it open to access secret rooms. You could turn lights or projectors on and off. You could play pinball or give money to virtual strippers (Note to children: this is bad don't give money to virtual strippers).

The voice acting was also great and John St. John provided the gravelly sleeze-ball voice that has become so memorable. Duke has some great one-liners and makes fun of himself as well as just about everything else.

It's a shame more games these days can't have such a sense of humor. In what other game does the hero greet a level boss with "I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck!"...Then when you beat them, you get a cutscene of Duke whipping out a newspaper to deliver on his promise.

And the Hacks Go Marching In

In case you haven't already heard, the PS3 has been hacked. Yep, it took long enough but it's been done. It was bound to happen and it did. Balance is restored to the universe.

I've been keeping a really close eye on what's been going on, and it's actually a pretty fascinating series of events. Allow me to give you guys the Coles Notes version of what's happened so far.

Sometime around mid-August, an Australian website announced it was going to start selling the world's first PS3 mod chip. It's essentially a USB chip that plugs into your PS3 and tricks it into thinking it's a debug unit. This allows it to run unsigned code (ie: home made applications) and yes, even copy games. Well about 2 seconds later Sony got wind of this worst-kept-secret-ever, and the Lawyer-mobile peeled out of there faster than Ecto-1.

Sony filed a temporary injunction against them to keep the website from selling the chips until a final ruling was reached. But it was too late, the flood gates were opened. Other outfits were already hard at work manufacturing knock-off mod chips like so many fake rolexes. Then another hacker ceremoniously flipped them all the bird and released the code for the hack online for FREE. He disabled game copying in his version to help prevent piracy.

With the code online, all people needed was a cheap ($20-30) USB development board and a little programming know-how. The boards sold out faster than Garth Brooks tickets at a mullet festival. So hackers began porting the exploit to anything they could, including Android phones, iphone, PSP, graphing calculators, even a dual shock controller!!

Sony wasted no time in disabling the hack with a firmware update (3.42), which hackers have already found a way around. So now the eternal war wages on. The ball's in your court again, Sony!

Once upon a time...

People play games for many reasons. Some for the multiplayer, some for the challenge, some for the high score or nowadays the achievements. But what drew me into video games was the experience. Basically games that gave me an interesting world to explore and a compelling story to give it context. That said, compelling stories in video games are few and far between. To be frank most video game developers couldn't write themselves out of a cardboard box. But instead of bitching about how bad most video game stories are, (I'll save that for another post) I thought I'd point out a few that I really enjoyed.


Bioshock : Based off the book “Atlas Shrugged”, Bioshock takes place in the underwater dystopian city of Rapture. You play as the voiceless Jack, a passenger on a trans-Atlantic flight who finds himself in Rapture after his plane crashes into the ocean. I will say that the story starts out a bit contrived as you never get any reaction from Jack as he enters this dark and mysterious world. That coupled with the fact that most of your communication with Atlas (your main contact in the game) comes off as a narrating tutorial. But unlike other games with these problems, this was intentional and does factor into the story later on in the game.


Uncharted 2 : Uncharted 2 doesn't have the most original story, basically if you've seen any Indiana Jones movie you've got the gist of it. But I will give it mad props for execution. The characters are interesting, the dialogue is sharp and the cut-scenes feel natural. You don't have a bunch of characters standing around in a circle, occasionally waving there arms, explaining what they're going to do next. It's cinematic storytelling at it's finest.



Heavy Rain : If you ever wondered if video games could tell a story that didn't involve aliens trying to take over the world or a dragon that needs to be slain, well Heavy Rain proves it can. You play from the point of view of 4 separate characters as they try to track down the Origami Killer. Unlike most games you can really tell the developers know how to tell a story. They don't sit back with some long-winded speech explaining who these characters are, they show you and let you experience it for yourself. Now some people may complain that it's more of an interactive movie than a video game, or that there are some plot holes in the story, but that's fine with me. Considering how unique and ambitious this game it's bound to have a few hiccups.



Brutal Legend : I can't say too much about Brutal Legend cause unlike the other games I haven't finished it yet. But what I will say is that it's funny. Then again with Tim Schafer and Jack Black how could it not be. Even if you're like me and you're not a Heavy Mental or RTS fan you'll still find it entertaining. Plus it features the voice talents of my favourite mail clerk Brian Posehn, how could you go wrong.



Gears of War : Okay I know what you're saying, I was with you to this point but now you've jumped the shark. Well hear me out. This isn't Citizen Kane here and it's not supposed to be. Yes it has a basic plot, find hive, blow up monsters. Yes it has some 3rd act problems where they don't explain your mission properly. Yes the characters can be crude and obnoxious, but they're supposed to be. The soldiers in the Predator or Aliens movies weren't exactly the most sophisticated but know one holds that against them. I think what I really liked about the first Gears is how they slowly unveil this world to you. Sure there's lots of action sequences but they also slowed down the pace, more like a survival horror game than an action game. And it really felt like you were a small piece in this massive war, not this end all and be all hero that is single-handedly going to win the war for you. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Then Gears of War 2 came along and threw all that out the window. Fuck You Gears of War 2!

Batman Arkham City Screens!

They just posted some new Arkham city screenshots on kotaku and from what I can see the game looks as awesome as ever.

You can view the complete gallery here.




2011 can't come fast enough.

CoD Black Ops Leaked Multiplayer Details

This one's for you, Jaison.

Who would have thought this? Scans of UK gaming magazine Shortlist have been posted on the internet today, revealing some revolutionary changes to the Call of Duty multiplayer formula. The most notable addition is currency: earned by playing multiplayer matches, you can use it to buy weapons, uniforms and accessories for your player. There are also several brand new gametypes which are unlike anything seen in Call of Duty before.

Customization

Customization will also play a huge part in the new Call of Duty. David Vonderhaar, lead multiplayer designer at Treyarch, told the magazine: “You can create a tag and etch it onto your weapons, so they’re stamped as yours. The option is also there to alter your sights and clip on attachtments such as flame-throwers.”

These attachments, sights and tags can be bought with in-game cash and will help to make your character ‘unique’. However, it seems likely that some elements of the traditional rank system from previous Call of Duty games will remain, given that players in the Multiplayer Teaser Trailer had ranks next to their names. It’s likely that we’ll find out more on this later tonight, at the Multiplayer Reveal Event.

‘Wager Match’

Another new addition is a Team Tactical gametype called ‘Wager Match’. When you choose to play Wager Match, you’ll be randomly placed in one of four modes: ‘One in the Chamber’, which sees players given one bullet to kill other players: miss, and they’re forced to use the knife, ‘Sharpshooter’, which sees players given a random weapon, ‘Sticks and Stones’, which involves the crossbow, ballistic knife and Tomahawk, and ‘Gun Game’ (formerly a mod for Call of Duty 4), which sees players vying to get kills with 20 different weapons: knife someone, and they move down a level.

“You gamble with your own currency, and the fear of loss is so incredibly great that it intensifies the action.” – David Vonderhaar

Wager match sounds incredibly addictive, though it will probably crank the annoying bullshit level to eleven and break off the knob. All I can say is bring it on you assholes, team TopG is ready for ya.

WTF Japan? - Kung Fu Rider

Among the onslaught of aggressively retarded games released every day around the world, it's a pleasant surprise when something absurd, yet somehow wacky and endearing comes out of Japan for a change.

Introducing Kung Fu Rider, made to work with the PS3's Move controller. You play as a man or woman and race down busy streets on your choice of office furniture, vacuum cleaners, or shopping carts. It looks absolutely hilarious.

Shame though, it's getting pretty bad reviews as apparently the motion control is terrible. Why am I having power glove flashbacks again?