Believe it or not, I owned this piece of shit as a kid. I think we got it at a yard sale for 2 bucks. I would rather have spent that on mangled GI Joes. The only games I remember enjoying at all were Fuzzball and Cheetah Men.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So Old School it Hurts
Jaison's earlier post got me thinking, if games trying way too hard to cater to morons is an issue, then is the opposite also an issue? I say yes. Case in point, I picked up Super Street Fighter 4 the other day, like capcom's good little bitch.
I've had a bit of experience with Street Fighter over the years, but I really started getting into it with SF 4. As I began to delve into the game mechanics, I realized just how ridiculous this shit is. I'm sorry, but fighting game mechanics and street fighter in particular are obtuse and archaic.
I'll probably get a lot of crap for this, but it needs to be said. Memorizing a chart of button combinations for each character is so stupid and unintuitive. Of course I'd know to rotate my joystick 360 degrees twice, THEN press all 3 punch buttons to do an Ultra! It's bad enough that they have 6 buttons just dedicated to the most basic of attacks. Then you have to start pressing two or three at once! Makes zero fucking sense. Of course if I punch and kick a guy at the same time I'll throw him! But I better light punch and kick otherwise it would be a focus attack! DURRRRR
But that's just the tip of the retarded iceburg. Certain moves combo with other moves for certain characters but NOT others? Why does someone else's move go through my move? Invincibility frames, the hell are those? There is so much going on behind the scenes here that you'd never know without reading about it online.
The same is true about Modern Warfare and Bad Company 2. You'll quickly find that the stat bars for all the weapons mean two things. Jack, and Shit. The descriptions for the perks are equally as helpful. "Do more damage" or "Take less damage" Yeah real fucking helpful you cocks. OF COURSE we'd know that putting a holographic sight on a FAL increases the damage enough to make it a 2 hit kill at any range! IT'S SO OBVIOUS!!
I could bitch about this all day. What was my point again? Oh yeah, making things too complicated is just as bad in it's own way. Also I am terrible at street fighter, bloo a bloo bloo!
I've had a bit of experience with Street Fighter over the years, but I really started getting into it with SF 4. As I began to delve into the game mechanics, I realized just how ridiculous this shit is. I'm sorry, but fighting game mechanics and street fighter in particular are obtuse and archaic.
I'll probably get a lot of crap for this, but it needs to be said. Memorizing a chart of button combinations for each character is so stupid and unintuitive. Of course I'd know to rotate my joystick 360 degrees twice, THEN press all 3 punch buttons to do an Ultra! It's bad enough that they have 6 buttons just dedicated to the most basic of attacks. Then you have to start pressing two or three at once! Makes zero fucking sense. Of course if I punch and kick a guy at the same time I'll throw him! But I better light punch and kick otherwise it would be a focus attack! DURRRRR
But that's just the tip of the retarded iceburg. Certain moves combo with other moves for certain characters but NOT others? Why does someone else's move go through my move? Invincibility frames, the hell are those? There is so much going on behind the scenes here that you'd never know without reading about it online.The same is true about Modern Warfare and Bad Company 2. You'll quickly find that the stat bars for all the weapons mean two things. Jack, and Shit. The descriptions for the perks are equally as helpful. "Do more damage" or "Take less damage" Yeah real fucking helpful you cocks. OF COURSE we'd know that putting a holographic sight on a FAL increases the damage enough to make it a 2 hit kill at any range! IT'S SO OBVIOUS!!
I could bitch about this all day. What was my point again? Oh yeah, making things too complicated is just as bad in it's own way. Also I am terrible at street fighter, bloo a bloo bloo!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Games I Like - Parasite Eve
From time to time you probably find yourself wondering, what would happen if Final Fantasy, Resident Evil and NYPD Blue had some kind of unholy offspring. Well wonder no longer! Parasite Eve is here and it's faaaantastic!
Released on playstation in 1998, this game is sort of a survival horror RPG hybrid. You play as Aya Brea, a NYPD rookie in your quest to defeat Eve, this scary-ass mitochondria powered monster with big jugs.
The gameplay is very fun, you explore areas from a fixed camera angle like the earlier Resident Evils, but then enemies appear around you like random battles from FF games. In battle you can move around freely, but when you select an attack a circle appears, showing your effective range. You also have PE powers which are like magic. You gain exp that you can use to level up your powers, increase speed or level up your freaking GUNS!
The way the story is presented is actually very cool. It has the pacing of an adventure game with the tension of a survival horror. They did a lot of research to get the look and feel of New York City as accurate as possible. The dialog is pretty good from what I remember with some interesting characters. Which reminds me.
Aya is probably one of my favorite female video game characters. She's not Titsy McAss or Busty McJuggs and she seems to actually have some brains. Fucking amazing, I know. They tried to capitalize more on her sex appeal in the sequel with a totally un-necessary shower scene though. Video games, why you gotta do this?
Some people also enjoy the sequel which came out in 2000, but I didn't find it nearly as good as the first. There were so many things that made the original great, but if I had to pick one thing it'd be the atmosphere. It's got this dark, hopeless feel to it, yet it remains very compelling. Check out this trailer to get an idea of what I'm talking about.
Released on playstation in 1998, this game is sort of a survival horror RPG hybrid. You play as Aya Brea, a NYPD rookie in your quest to defeat Eve, this scary-ass mitochondria powered monster with big jugs.
The gameplay is very fun, you explore areas from a fixed camera angle like the earlier Resident Evils, but then enemies appear around you like random battles from FF games. In battle you can move around freely, but when you select an attack a circle appears, showing your effective range. You also have PE powers which are like magic. You gain exp that you can use to level up your powers, increase speed or level up your freaking GUNS!
The way the story is presented is actually very cool. It has the pacing of an adventure game with the tension of a survival horror. They did a lot of research to get the look and feel of New York City as accurate as possible. The dialog is pretty good from what I remember with some interesting characters. Which reminds me.
Aya is probably one of my favorite female video game characters. She's not Titsy McAss or Busty McJuggs and she seems to actually have some brains. Fucking amazing, I know. They tried to capitalize more on her sex appeal in the sequel with a totally un-necessary shower scene though. Video games, why you gotta do this?
Some people also enjoy the sequel which came out in 2000, but I didn't find it nearly as good as the first. There were so many things that made the original great, but if I had to pick one thing it'd be the atmosphere. It's got this dark, hopeless feel to it, yet it remains very compelling. Check out this trailer to get an idea of what I'm talking about.Monday, April 26, 2010
People Aren't Stupid
Okay, actually they are, but not in the "paint chip eating" way that game developers seem to think. After playing the demo of the new Splinter Cell, I have to wonder, what kind of morons do they take us for. Do we really need a giant red indicator covering half the screen to explain that I'm detected. Maybe the bullets flying past my head are a hint. Not to mention the stupid silhouette of your last known location. Why did the guards all go over there? Oh right, cause they just saw me there.
It all stems from this drive to capture the elusive casual audience. The idea that games are too complex or difficult for these simple minded individuals. Bollocks! Sure games can be intimidating for someone who hasn't grown up with a controller in their hand. But half the time it's all this extra crap on the screen that makes a game seem 10 times more complicated than it is; and it can take you completely out of the experience.
Don't pander to this ridicules notion, that games must be simple and heavy handed to appeal to a wide audience. It doesn't matter how complex a game is, everyone will want to play it as long as it's fun.
It all stems from this drive to capture the elusive casual audience. The idea that games are too complex or difficult for these simple minded individuals. Bollocks! Sure games can be intimidating for someone who hasn't grown up with a controller in their hand. But half the time it's all this extra crap on the screen that makes a game seem 10 times more complicated than it is; and it can take you completely out of the experience.
Don't pander to this ridicules notion, that games must be simple and heavy handed to appeal to a wide audience. It doesn't matter how complex a game is, everyone will want to play it as long as it's fun.
WTF Japan? - Doki Doki Majo Shinpan
I consider myself pretty unfazed by weird crap on the internet, but every so often a game comes along that just buries the needle on the WTF-O-Meter. Today that game is "Heart-Pounding Magical Investigation", in our english language.If you read a lot of gaming or japan related news, you've probably heard of it. If not, congratulations you lucky sod. The game is basically as follows. You play a high school kid who has to hunt witches. But the only way to identify them is to find their witch mark. And how does one do that? By touching them all over. Yep. Where did I put my scotch?
So the story is all just a pretense to grab boobs and touch asses using your DS stylus. I wonder what these clowns would have done with the power glove. Lots of gaming sites have posted their disgust over the concept and showed the box art or whatever. Well here at Game Fudge we like to go the extra mile for our dear readers. That's right, I actually sat down and played this pile of donkey diarrhea.
Maybe it was the sequel, actually. According to wikipedia this shit is a trilogy! When I first loaded it up, there was fruity music and cute characters everywhere. I was worried a child might buy this, mistaking it for a kids' game.My fears were soon put to rest though. No kid would ever play this. It's boring as shit. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I played for over 30 minutes before I was anywhere near any position to touch anything. It was 30 minutes of holding Y to skip dialog and poke away at random icons on the map. Apparently molesting witches needs some intricate fucking back story.
From what I gather, it's sort of like Phoenix Wright. You need to collect evidence and build a case against them, then confront the witch. Then they challenged me to a witch fight that consisted of them walking across the screen and shooting magic balls which I had to deflect back. That was the closest to actual gameplay I ever got.
So when you finally beat them, you earn the right to "inspect" them or whatever. I'm no detective, but doesn't the fact that they were just shooting MAGIC BALLS at you pretty much close the case here? Whatever, I didn't invent this shit. Now LETS GRAB DEM RUDE TITTIES!!This is the part where I ALMOST feel bad for the geeks who bought this. Basically there is a big picture of a girl and you just poke them everywhere with the stylus while they go OOH AHH and hearts fly out. You have to find which spot they like the most. For the one I did it seemed to be the face. I may be wrong here, but is it really a good idea to give pathetic nerds more misinformation about women? Yes, from what I hear being poked in the eyes and face is a real turn on...
So there you have it, everything you ever wanted to know about witch touching AND MORE! Now I'm off to drink away the pain of living. Till next time, WTF Japan?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Secret Weapons - Madcatz Fight Pad
With Super Street Fighter 4 less than 48 hours away, it's time to look at another fighting game controller! With the inevitable scarcity and price gouging over the arcade sticks, most people will probably have to settle for... Dadadadada
The Fight Pad!
Those of you getting SSF4 on the PS3 will probably be happy with your standard controller and it's superior d-pad. However anyone forced to grapple with the big greasy turd known as the 360 d-pad is probably already standing in line for one of these things.
I bought one on the off chance that a homeless person wanders into my living room and fancies some cat food and a game of street fighter 4. No way he is getting his greasy paws on the arcade stick. I may even fight him for the cat food.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the fight pad is decent. It costs around 40 bucks so you get what you pay for I guess. It could have been much better though. Like the judgmental little man I am, I will air my grievances with this pad.
First off, the d-pad is floating, sort of like the sega saturn controller. it feels good, but the actual arrows aren't really defined enough and the surface is slick so it can be a little hard to make precise inputs. Second, the buttons are too flat. They aren't concave or convex at all. Just plain uncomfortable. And finally, the overall shape of the controller is too wide and flat. The whole thing just doesn't feel very ergonomic at all. Which is a shame because it actually functions quite well.
So there you have it. I'd recommend one over the 360 d-pad, but that's like recommending a poke in the eye over a kick in the balls.
I give it 1 Clinton and 1 Lewinsky because it's close but no cigar.
The Fight Pad!Those of you getting SSF4 on the PS3 will probably be happy with your standard controller and it's superior d-pad. However anyone forced to grapple with the big greasy turd known as the 360 d-pad is probably already standing in line for one of these things.
I bought one on the off chance that a homeless person wanders into my living room and fancies some cat food and a game of street fighter 4. No way he is getting his greasy paws on the arcade stick. I may even fight him for the cat food.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the fight pad is decent. It costs around 40 bucks so you get what you pay for I guess. It could have been much better though. Like the judgmental little man I am, I will air my grievances with this pad.
First off, the d-pad is floating, sort of like the sega saturn controller. it feels good, but the actual arrows aren't really defined enough and the surface is slick so it can be a little hard to make precise inputs. Second, the buttons are too flat. They aren't concave or convex at all. Just plain uncomfortable. And finally, the overall shape of the controller is too wide and flat. The whole thing just doesn't feel very ergonomic at all. Which is a shame because it actually functions quite well.
So there you have it. I'd recommend one over the 360 d-pad, but that's like recommending a poke in the eye over a kick in the balls.
I give it 1 Clinton and 1 Lewinsky because it's close but no cigar.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Enemies That Can Fuck Right Off
The sun in super mario 3 - I have a hard enough time trying to dodge goombas and turtles without this constipated fucker swooping down on me every 2 seconds.
Skeletons in Demon's Souls - Unlike skeletons in most games, these dickheads are FAST. They're also agile and can dish out tons of damage in seconds.
Flying Enemies - They're always hard to hit and annoying. We don't enjoy fighting bats or birds or other stupid shit. Smarten up, video games.Anything that poisons/paralyzes/petrifies you - These status effects are just annoying and force you to carry around tons of otherwise useless items.
The babies in Dead Space - These little turds aren't even dangerous on their own but they love to hit you with their projectiles just in time to stun you so a real enemy can eat your face.
Snipers - Just like in real life, snipers are never any fun to fight in games. They suck in online games and they suck just as bad in single player games.Ultros - He is just a dick in general and I can't stand him. Fuck you Ultros.
Lava and Spikes - They aren't even enemies but they can still fuck right off.Mini bosses in Mega Man - I always hate fighting them because they're just stupid and I want to get to the actual boss so I can jump through the boss doors.
Seth - The cheapest fucking boss ever. Hey seth go eat a bag of dicks.
Killer Croc in Batman AA - Absolutely terrible and boring to fight. What were they thinking?And now for the grand finale. The #1 most hated enemies in the history of the galaxy are....
Enemies that steal your items
ARRGH FUCK YOU GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD THOSE ARE MY MAGIC POTIONS!!!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Bleep Bloop
There's nothing worse than sitting around watching other people play video games, right? WRONG! At least not when it comes to Jeff Rubin. Every week he and the gang at college humor play some of the wackiest games ever conceived.
Here are a few of my favs :
"He speaks the true, they masquerade as adults."
Here are a few of my favs :
"He speaks the true, they masquerade as adults."
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
WTF Japan? - Toilet Kids
Welcome to the new segment I am calling 'WTF Japan?' where I talk a little about some of my favorite batshit crazy japanese games. Lord knows there are a few of them. Anyway, first up is....
Toilet kids! As you probably deciphered from the title, the main theme here is toilets. Congratulations you genius. The plot centers around a young boy who gets up to take a whiz in the middle of the night. But instead of just pissing in the clothes hamper (I swear, it is like RIGHT next to the toilet!) he is instead shot into the air by his high pressure bidet and transported to a magical land.
It's like Alice in Wonderland with feces. Anyway, the game itself actually plays like a standard shoot 'em up. You fly through the air shooting various pee and crap themed enemies including but not limited to: flies, turtles with poop for shells, urinals, spiders that look like testicles, and frogs that shoot dingleberries. Your goal as far as I can tell is to collect golden turds...Yep, never thought I'd write that sentence.
My brain hit it's emergency shutdown switch about three sentences in, so watch this damn video while I try to escape this horrible nightmare.
WTF Japan?
Toilet kids! As you probably deciphered from the title, the main theme here is toilets. Congratulations you genius. The plot centers around a young boy who gets up to take a whiz in the middle of the night. But instead of just pissing in the clothes hamper (I swear, it is like RIGHT next to the toilet!) he is instead shot into the air by his high pressure bidet and transported to a magical land.It's like Alice in Wonderland with feces. Anyway, the game itself actually plays like a standard shoot 'em up. You fly through the air shooting various pee and crap themed enemies including but not limited to: flies, turtles with poop for shells, urinals, spiders that look like testicles, and frogs that shoot dingleberries. Your goal as far as I can tell is to collect golden turds...Yep, never thought I'd write that sentence.
My brain hit it's emergency shutdown switch about three sentences in, so watch this damn video while I try to escape this horrible nightmare.
WTF Japan?
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