Duke Getting Mediocre Previews

I can't say I'm surprised, really. Disappointed, maybe. Everything that I've seen so far of gameplay from Duke Nukem Forever has not blown me away. Kotaku, IGN and Arse Technica all ran articles that pretty much read the same.

Part of me wants to believe that these guys just don't get it. I mean, IGN's distaste for something is usually a very good barometer of how much I'll enjoy it. Kotaku is well, Kotaku. And I've never heard of the other one. But as Jaison would say, sometimes even the blind squirrel catches the nut. I'm slowly coming to grips with the fact that Duke Nukem Forever could suck.

Maybe suck is the wrong word. From what I've heard, they have put a lot of effort into the humor and interactivity of the levels, which is what we all love Duke for anyway. If I get some laughs out of it, I can forgive a lot of things. I did buy Deadly Premonition after all...

I think part of the problem is definitely people's unrealistic expectations. The original Duke 3D was very much a product of it's time. Like the invention of shrinky-dinks, the conditions just happened to be right at that exact moment in time and lightning struck. Duke never had what it took to become a franchise. What made it great was that it was so different. Even when I saw the first screenshots of Duke Nukem Forever in my cousin's PC Gamer magazine in '98 I didn't think it looked that interesting.

Of course so much of the reason the game is getting any attention is because of it's troubled history. I mean, waiting 12 years for anything is a big deal. I thought Shadow Warrior and Blood were both better games than Duke Nukem 3D, but when was the last time you heard someone talk about them?

Judging by the previews a lot of people have already made up their minds about the game. I think this is going to be polarizing to say the least. Some people will embrace it, despite it's faults and be glad to have another Duke game to play. Others will declare it a failure for not living up to their unrealistic expectations and talk smugly about how they predicted this failure all along. Well as my father would say, "Opinions are like scrotums. Everyone has one, and they're all hairy and covered in wrinkles." I'm still not sure what he meant by that.

All I can say is that after playing enough boring Call of Duty shit and Halo shit, I'm ready for something else. Even if it is just a different flavor of shit. Gearbox is taking a risk by bringing Duke back, and for that I think they at least deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Why People Hate Gamers

I blame it all on Johnny Arcade being such a massive fucking tool. Thanks, Johnny.

What I've Been Playing

For lack of anything better to post, here's what I have been playing lately and my thoughts on each game. Woo, effort!

Need For Speed Hot Pursuit - I didn't like this game at first. I thought the AI was total cheating bullshit. The rubber banding was pretty ridiculous. I just could never catch up with the other guys. Then I read a tip on the loading screen that says drafting guys is almost as good as boosting. So I drafted everyone and I couldn't believe what a difference it makes. It's kind of retarded how effective it is, but whatever. I am enjoying the game now but it's still not as fun as Burnout Paradise.

Mass Effect 2 - There are parts of this game I really like, but overall I just can't get into it. I think my main problem is that all the aliens talk and act just like humans. Where's Chewy, or those bug things from District 9? Most of the designs don't do anything for me either. It feels like a bad episode of Star Trek. You know, like the one where they went to the planet where everyone was a talking garbage can, then Data and Geordi switched brains. It's a shame too because the writing and voice acting is pretty good all around. Your party members are all entertaining and cool, especially Garrus. Dude is so fucking cool. I'll be coming back to this one periodically to try and finish it.

Little Big Planet 2 - What is there to say? It's like the first game, but different. There's lots to do, and more annoying characters that won't shut the hell up. Overall though it just feels too similar. The controls are still sucky, and co-op still turns into a frustrating mess with more than 2 people. You still have to collect every piece and sticker hidden in the levels to use them in create mode. Despite all this, the levels in the campaign are very impressive looking and the new powerups are fun to use. The new minigames are neat too, the mouse racing one is a hoot.


Dead Space Extraction - This game is way better than it has any right to be. Despite being a rail shooter, it's pure Dead Space all the way through. The controls are excellent on PS3, and it's by far my favorite Move game. Not bad for a Wii game repackaged as a bonus for Dead Space 2. What I like most though is that it actually has a coherent plot so far. There's a lot of voice acting and it's always entertaining. It sort of follows the reverse of the events in Dead Space 1, and it's very neat to see how things went down on the colony. A++ would recommend.

Final Fantasy 13 - I have been picking away at this one for a while now. I am like 4-5 hours in so far and really enjoying it. I know I am putting my balls on the line here, but it is a good game. I can't tell you how surprised I am to say that. I haven't enjoyed a FF game in a long time, and based on the character designs and new battle system/lack of dungeons I was ready to fart all over this game. Despite all this it remains enjoyable and I don't even know why.

The world is so bizarre, I never know what's going to happen next. The characters are various levels of annoying, except for Sazh. He's like the Danny Glover of Final Fantasy. Crazy anime shit happening all around him and he is just trying to get by. He is probably my favorite FF character for the fact that he is pretty much a normal guy, except with a bird living in his afro. It's japan, what did you expect?

Happy Now Jaison?

There, something that isn't just ostensibly video game related. My contract with the universe is fulfilled. Now we can stop fucking posting videos and do work.

Basically the Greatest Thing

What Being a Gamer is All About

I think Keith is an example of what we all should strive for in life. Game skills, chicks, and looking exactly like Rambo.

Dead Space 2 Wrap-up

Well it's finally over. The necromorphs are gone, the world is saved and it's time to wrap things up. I finished Dead Space 2 tonight; it took me just over 10 hours on Survivalist difficulty. I took my time and had to redo some sections multiple times. So if you're playing on an easier difficulty, you can probably count on at least 8 hours, which isn't bad for a game like this.

Overall, my final impressions of the game are fairly consistent with my first impressions. The game is gorgeous, the action is great. The story sucks, which was pretty disappointing. Not that the first Dead Space was Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. This game just feels very disjointed. The story is nonsensical enough when you have it all laid out for you, but in the game it's presented in bits and pieces, usually in the middle of something else. This makes it nearly impossible to follow. Which is sad when it pretty much boils down to "Find the marker and destroy it."

The setting didn't really do anything for me either. The first game does a great job of presenting the Ishimura to you. There's this beautiful in-game cutscene where you get to see it from outside in all it's glory. You really get a sense of how massive this thing is. The inside all looks very industrial, like you would expect a deep space mining ship to. It only adds to the creepiness of it all. Dead Space 2 takes place on The Sprawl, which is some kind of space city I guess? You never really get a sense that it is a living, breathing (in space olol) city. There are some very pretty things to look at, but they just didn't have the same impact for me.

As you may remember, I was not a fan of talking Isaac. Well I really disliked him for a good 75% of the game. He is basically a big whiney bitch. "Wah wah how do I open this door? Where is the marker, blah blah" But late in the game he seems to actually grow a pair, and shows some signs of growth as a character. I thought that was pretty cool and he started to grow on me. By the end I was cheering for him and ready to kick some ass. Only the last couple levels were pretty much a letdown and nothing as cool as the end boss of the first game showed up.

Also, when people call this more of an action game compared to the first, it's basically a lie. It plays very similar to the first Dead Space (Barring some cool scripted events) up until the last 3 levels, when the game just farts in your face and throws 50 hojillion tons of monsters at you. There's nothing as cool as the leviathan or the hive mind in this game. Just waves of monsters you've already seen before.

Overall I think that this game is a thrill ride that is definitely worth experiencing, even if it doesn't stay with you very long. Despite the story being a letdown, there's enough to do and see that I was always entertained, and wanting to play to reach that next save point. Even if I can't give this my Game of the Universe award, I think it deserves my Game of the Solar System award. And if you don't like it you can talk to the hand!

Dark Souls is Coming!

That's right, the sequel to Demon's Souls is coming next holiday season! Now to freeze myself in cryogenic stasis for 10 months. Best part is that it's coming to PS3 and 360! Not that Demon's Souls wasn't great on PS3 (It was), but this will mean even more people will actually get to play it.

Except for pussies like Jaison and Steve. You pussies!

The Sinner's Sandwich

Today I had some left over turkey in the fridge, so I decided to try my own sinner's sandwich. You may remember it from the blockbuster mega-hit Deadly Premonition. What, no? Just me? Anyway...


Ok we've got our bread, turkey, strawberry jam and cereal. Ready, Zack? Let's begin!


Two slices of premium whole wheat bread. The perfect start to a sinner's sandwich.


Next, the turkey and the butter. I know Zack, you prefer miracle whip.



Now for the strawberry jam. Something sticky and sweet, to make this sandwich a real treat. So says Mr. Stewart.


For that tasty crunch, we will add cornflakes.


I don't know, Zack. I have a hunch I might not like it...


This sandwich is good on it's own, but a glass of milk will strengthen our bones. So says Mr. Stewart.


CRUNCH....MUCH......GULP.....


I can't believe it....Zack, this is fantastic! It's really good. My coffee never warned me this would be so delicious. I'm changing my order from now on.