In Loving Memory

Nothing but manly tears right now.

MW 3 Spawning is F'd

In case you didn't know that already.

Sweet Professor and Hella Luke

I don't know where this came from, but it's awesoem.

Bros Before....Ah You Get It

Solaire you were a true fucking bro and I was so sad when I had to kill you. Godspeed you crazy motherfucker.

Serious Sam 3 is Out?

I guess? It apparently launched yesterday, and steam is telling me it's available to buy for forty canadian dollery-doos. But I cannot find a review on this game anywhere. It just sort of slid out like a turd in a swimming pool. When a game launches with this little fanfare it usually bodes well for it, and by well I mean terrible.

Anyway here's the launch trailer.

It looks...surprisingly mediocre. Like they just updated the old Serious Sam with some bland visuals and modern FPS staples (Assault rifle, iron sites, C4). The jokes don't seem especially funny either; they just seem to be trying too hard. It's like that kid in school who does something stupid but funny, and everyone laughs at him, so he sees it as his ticket to popularity and he keeps doing it but it's a little less funny each time, until everyone just feels bad for him and won't invite me to their birthday parties anymore. I guess what I am saying is I will probably buy this when it goes on sale.

Parent of The Year

I'll usually make fun of anything, but jesus christ I hope this isn't real.

Modern Warfare 3 Fan Art

I found this while I was updating the graphics on Jaison's PC...

You'd Be Stupid Not To

While we're at it, we'll open up your case and take a gaping shit right inside. No extra charge!

Skyrim Sala Bim

Hello everyone and welcome to what just might be our most controversial review yet! I have been heavily debating with myself whether to post this or not, because while I generally do not give a shit about what people think, I really don't want to be that guy. You know the one, well you'll see what I mean...

As you may have gathered from our tweeter (or not) I've been putting a few hours into Skyrim lately on the PC. I'd say I've played for about five hours so far, which probably isn't much considering how people are saying you can spend LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF HOURS doing anything!! But for me, I think it's been enough to decide how I feel about this game.

If I had to sum it up in a word it would be 'neatoring', because while it is neat in some ways it is really boring in many others. First of all, I must give credit where it is due and say that Skyrim is fucking gorgeous. They spent a lot of time getting the details down and while the NPCs still look like robots wearing a thin layer of artificial skin over their cold metal skeleton, the rest of the game looks god damn amazing.

There are also a lot of things you can craft, spells to use and quests to undertake. For the most part they do a decent job of varying the types of quests and how you go about completing them. I enjoy it when a seemingly routine fetch quest opens up into something much more complex. It's just a shame I can't bring myself to experience more of it.

This isn't a knock against Skyrim, but more Bethesda games in general. The writing is all over the place, and while some of the side quests are interesting the main quest has been pretty stupid. Within the first hour of not really trying to do anything, I killed a dragon and found out I am a "Dragonborn" (Sorry, I am not spoilering this shit it's practically on the back of the box) who absorbs dragons souls and then yells dragon words that do magic things. Sorry guys, that's dumb.

Add to that the NPCs who just kind of stand there or move around like creepy androids and I have a hard time investing myself in this world. The AI in this game is so ridiculously stupid that it's hilarious. I'm sure we've all seen the video of a guy putting pots over the NPCs heads so he can steal from them. I was fighting a giant spider in a cave, and when I backed up it just refused to come forward so I pelted him to death with arrows. There are so many ways to exploit the stupid mechanics and break the game that it's just disappointing. I thought they'd have made some progress since Daggerfall.

I can forgive all that (After all, the AI in Dark Souls is pretty dumb and the story isn't great) if the gameplay is fun. Unfortunately it isn't. The first-person combat is as clunky and paper-thin as ever. There are no combos or really anything to do except mash away and block occasionally. Magic is a little better but still not what I'd call deep. My guy just sort of plods around and drains his stamina bar in about 3 seconds even though I've put five levels into it so far. Just going places and doing things starts to feel like a chore. The interface doesn't help by being clunky and annoying at times. It was clearly designed for consoles, but even playing with a 360 controller it doesn't feel that great.

So I guess that's it. Everyone seems to love this game, except for me. It just feels like the clunky Elder Scrolls games I have played before and while it looks amazing and there is a lot to do, I just don't feel like it has made advancements in any of the areas that matter to me. I think it's cool that people really enjoy it, and I wouldn't give them shit for that. I just feel like when a game like this comes out and is super popular, people generally fall into two camps; Those who spooge at the mere mention of it, and those who just want to shit on it because it's popular.

In the end, I guess you could say I think this game deserves a little of both. Spooge and shit. Take that, IGN.

Dubstep Racing - Nitronic Rush!

Developed by students at DigiPen Institute of Technology, this incredibly fun and stylish racer finally hit the tubes for download.

Nitronic Rush is awesome, and definitely worth checking out if you have some sort of controller for your PC. The main campaign is fun, but a little short and fairly easy. Luckily the challenge levels are hard as balls. Did I mention it's free? Just kidding, I know I didn't mention that. Now go download and play this game because it's fucking sweet.

http://nitronic-rush.com/

Modern Warfare 3 Multiplayer Pro-Tips

What up, what up. Big D here today with some CoD Uber Pro tips to help you all not be such pathetic noobs. Modern Warfare 3 is a flukey game at best, and downright retarded bullshit at worst, but here are some tips to help you out.

1. Disable theatre mode recording in your online options menu. I just learned this but apparently it causes some lag by having it turned on. So unless you like wanking to your own epic kill streaks, turn that shit off.

2. Turn off vibration on your controller. This can be done with the ingame options menu. It will help you aim a lot easier while there are all kinds of explosions and shit going on around you. After a while I find it just gets annoying anyway.

3. Turn up your sensitivity. Jaison doesn't do this but he is a crazy person so ignore him. I usually play with one above the default level, which feels perfect to me.

4. Start with support killstreaks. These carry over between deaths, so even if you die a lot you can still call some in. The spawning in this game is pretty bullshit, so you can't always depend on getting regular killstreaks even if you're a decent player.

5. You can drop-shot, but I'm not telling you how because it is for fucking pussies and if you do it to me you will be getting some hate mail. Moving on...

6. Use SMG or assault rifles to start. Most of these guns are pretty decent this time around, so you will have an easier time starting with them. The Type 95 is the best rifle and the PP90m1 is the best SMG, so when you unlock them you are set.

7. When in doubt, camp. With such bullshit spawns in this game you're going to die a lot trying to move around. Try to find a spot near a busy path and just camp the shit out of it. You will still die but you'll likely rack up some more kills this way.

8. The Trophy system is awesome. This doesn't unlock for a while but it is a camper's best friend. When deployed, it destroys two projectiles; including grenades, flashbangs, rockets and predator missiles. Set up a claymore guarding the door and this thing by the window, and you can go to work.

9. Don't use grenade launchers. Unlike MW 2 where noob tube with Danger Close was fucking godly, they actually really suck this time around and require almost a direct hit to kill. Shotguns also suck pretty bad until you unlock some attachments. Then they become mostly mediocre.

10. Avoid your team mates. Especially if you are using Blind Eye and/or Assassin, because they probably aren't. They will give away your position by acting like retards and lead to many deaths that could otherwise have been avoided. Unless they are Jaison, then they will probably just shoot at you.

Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart

This is the best Dark Souls re-creation of Bruce Campbell or possibly Jay Leno that I have ever seen. Hail to the king, baby.

JRPG Hero

No son of mine is leaving the house dressed like that!!! Come back inside and put on your belts this instant!

Kotaku Goes Full Retard

Not that we weren't all expecting this. But anyway, in a long tradition of inane, bitchy rants about stupid things (Back off, that's our territory!) Kotaku has finally committed the cardinal sin of defending Call of Duty.

They really ought to know, bitching to people to stop bitching about things on the internet is like pissing into an ocean of piss. People will love to complain about anything that's even remotely popular. That's life, and it's FAR from something unique to video games.

And honestly, of all the games to defend you pick Call of Duty? I don't think these games need defending. Sales numbers speak volumes about how popular this shit is. The reason people hate on CoD is generally because the campaigns are incredibly linear and scripted, with very minor incremental improvements, and the multiplayer is a giant fuck-fest that caters to people's worst tendencies.

But wait, didn't we both buy MW 3 on release day? You bet we did! Then we both spent the night shouting profanities at the game through our headsets. There is a genuine spark of fun present that keeps us coming back, but it's buried so deep in liquid feces that you need a fucking snorkel to find it.

Us Playing Call of Duty

It's tough keeping Jaison under control, but somehow I manage.

Cinematic Gaming - The Best Movies You've Ever Played?

It seems like the biggest buzzword in gaming for the last while has been 'cinematic'. What does that even mean anyway? Merriam Webster defines it as: "of, relating to, suggestive of, or suitable for motion pictures or the filming of motion pictures".

So for all us dummies, that means it's like a movie. And that's a good thing. I can't help but be puzzled by all this. I mean, if people want to see a movie why don't they go see a movie? You don't see movies being advertised as "very book-like". In the end, isn't what makes games fun the fact that you're actually playing them? I guess I just don't see why an interactive medium tries so hard to emulate a non-interactive one.

I think I first noticed this when I played Call of Duty 4 back in 2007. I was frustrated that I couldn't open doors, or interact with my squad mates or really do anything except continue on the marked path. I remember reading a post on the Penny Arcade news page where they shared the same feelings. After playing tactical shooters like Rainbow Six it felt like a big step backward. I thought this was just a fad, like 'bullet time' that games would grow out of. But Call of Duty's incredible success changed the face of video games for a long time to come.

It seemed like from then on, video games were obsessed with creating a cinematic experience, where the player is constantly bombarded with crazy shit but doesn't actually have have an impact on any of it. The problem is that, like a carnival ride, once you discover the inner workings it loses all believability. And without solid gameplay to fall back on, there really is nothing to these games.

So what got me thinking about this again? I was playing through Battlefield 3 singleplayer and in the first level there is a subway car with a bomb in it. As you run toward the door, the bomb begins beeping faster and faster until it is about to blow. But I couldn't find my way out, so I just sort of ran around for a few minutes with the bomb beeping away. Only when I found the correct spot did the bomb finally blow up, seconds after I jumped out the window. Yeah, that sure was a close one...

After talking to Jaison about Uncharted 3 I get the impression that it suffers from a similar case of style over substance. There's no denying that the game looks gorgeous. The presentation is flawless, the story is good and the voice acting is top tier. That would be perfect, if this was a movie... Unfortunately where it falls apart is the actual gameplay. Stiff movement, sluggish shooting, inconsistent platforming. This shit was not acceptable in the NES days, and it is not in the year 2011.

I think part of why I enjoy Demon's Souls and Dark Souls so much is because you feel in control of your character the entire time. You get to pick which level you want to beat and in what order (For the most part), there are very few cutscenes and no annoying NPCs constantly telling you where to go and what to do. There are no invisible walls fencing you in. If there's a ledge, you can jump off it. You might land on a secret passage or you might fall to your death. You never know, but that's all part of the excitement. Everything you do in the game; your successes and failures, they're your own doing.

You know what game doesn't have celebrity voice acting, quicktime events, setpiece battles or rail shooting segments? Angry Birds. Oh yeah, it's also been downloaded over 200 million times. They must be doing something right here.

Egoraptor Talks Game Design

Guy makes some really good points that never even occurred to me. I've always contended that Mega Man 2 is the Citizen Kane of video games, but Mega Man X is still fucking amazing.

How Battlefield 3 Should Be

This is what it's like for me pretty much every time I play. Except for the part where I get horrible lag constantly then my sound cuts out and I crash to desktop.

How About This One?

Pause music in a video game has no right to be this catchy, yet somehow vaguely threatening.