SKATE. OR. DIE.

This song will always haunt my dreams, even though I don't even remember much about the actual game. sk-sk-skate. or. die. die-d-d-die

Battlefield 3 Single Player Impressions

Wait, you didn't read that wrong, and no I am not posting from the future! Thanks to a Korean VPN proxy I was able to unlock my BF 3 singleplayer early and I've put a couple hours into it so far. Ok, so the official reviews came out yesterday, but I bet you all can't wait to see what a big whiny baby has to say about this game. No? Me either...

One thing you've probably gleaned from the reviews is that this game plays something like Call of Duty. And by that I mean it plays exactly like Call of Duty. They really should change their slogan from "Above and Beyond the Call" to "We couldn't fit any more of CoD's dick in our mouth if we tried". It's all there: The story treads the line perfectly between ripping off Black Ops and ripping of Modern Warfare 2. The gameplay is the same, from the stupid quicktime events to the AI that is dumber than a box of hair.

By the sounds of this, you are probably thinking that I hate this game. Well I actually happen to like Call of Duty. So playing CoD with better graphics and destructible environments is something I am totally cool with. The guns all feel nice and punchy, the graphics are god damn amazing, and the chatter between soldiers feels authentic enough that it's like playing an episode of Generation Kill.

I don't know what else there is to say, really. This is the game that I thought MW 2 would be based on it's first level. BF 3 plays things much straighter, and ends up better for it. The plot so far is stupid but not offensively so. Things go boom a lot, and it looks and sounds incredible. In the end, it's a fun way to pass the time until the multi-player unlocks. And let's be honest, that's the only thing anyone gives a shit about anyway.

Be Advised, Battlefield 3 Trailer Incoming

As bummed as I am that this game seems to be lacking any of the personality that the Bad Company games had, this actually looks pretty entertaining. Like Modern Warfare before it went batshit insane with MW 2.

Guy Gets Pissed at Dark Souls, Writes Song About It

I can sympathize with this poor guy. I mean, I love Dark Souls. But god DAMN, this level is just one giant clusterfuck after another that will reduce you to a weeping, blubbering shell of a man. Anor Londo is like punishment from God. In a game known for being hard, it's like they just pulled out all the stops and decided to come to your house and stomp all over your fucking BALLS with steel toed boots.

The song doesn't even really touch on the worst part of the level. It's like "Here, fight these annoying giant statues that will paste you in two hits. Ok, now fight these fast annoying little gargoyle fuckers who will shoot lightning and stab you. But wait there's more!! Now run up this narrow walkway while two archers on both sides fire giant arrows which are literally the size of fucking LANCES at you!! And shit on your fucking face if you get hit because it's going to knock you off and you're going to DIE, asshole! And don't try to block them either because they will still knock you off and you will be DEAD! Now once you get to the top try to fight one archer while the other one shoots you in the back and knocks you off the ledge HAHAHA ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET SHITSTAIN?!!!"

This was the most frustrating part of anything ever, and I am not usually one to throw a controller but mine must have travelled at twice the speed of sound that day. This horrible ungodly travesty had me literally jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the TV. After many tries I finally beat it and I thought the worst was past.

HAHA YEAH RIGHT, NEPHEW! This shit had not even begun! The bosses of this level oh my GOD the bosses. Yes I say bosses plural because you have to fight two of the fuckers at the same time. And once you kill one of them, the other one absorbs him to regenerate his full health bar and gain ungodly bullshit lightning powers. Also a retarded lightning buttslam that took off 3/4 of my health bar!!! Anyone who manages to beat this double shit sandwich supreme, come see me sometime and I'll buy you a drink. God knows you've earned it.

Shit Just Got Real

If you're not playing Dark Souls you probably should.

Arkham City is Sexist?

Yes it is. According to a recent article on Kotaku, anyway. Glad to see they are still upholding the grand internet tradition of getting offended on behalf of other people. The point of their rant seems to be that enemies like to call Catwoman a bitch a lot. And that's sexist. Maybe it's just the rampant misogynist in me talking here, but doesn't the fact that she is beating the ever-living shit out of these bad guys even the scales a bit?

I honestly think it was more a matter of the game's writers trying to come up with an insult to use that was mean without being truly offensive like whore or the c word that rhymes with stunt. So in the end, I guess the real problem here is that there just aren't enough gender specific insults for females. To remedy this, I propose we start making up more gender specific slurs just for women. Here's what I came up with so far:

Morette (female version of moron)

Dingess (females version of dingus)

Douchepurse (girl version of douchebag)

Shitskirt (woman version of shitshorts)

Fannyface (girl version of assface)

Muffmullet (girl version of dickhead)

If you can think of more please let us know in the comments!

Get Hyped for Battlefield 3....Again!

Forget crappy betas, this is how you sell a game!

Sexist Link of the Day

Do you like butts, booties, buns, rumps, keisters, fannies, backsides, rears, tushes, cans, cheeks, asses, duffs, and bums?! Then have we got a link for you! Cruise on over and check out Video Game Butt Shots. Not while you're at work though, unless you like getting fired!

Great Dark Souls Videos

This will come as a surprise to no-one, but Dark Souls is one of those games that you pretty much need a guide for. Yeah, you can bumble through the game on your own and probably end up beating it. But you're going to miss a ton of content, and probably end up wasting a lot of time and getting really frustrated.

Lucky for us, EpicNameBro has a series of awesome video guides on youtube that will be a godsend for anybody having trouble with Dark Souls. They're also funny and entertaining to watch. Whenever I beat an area I always go back and watch his video to see if I've missed anything.

Real Battlefield 3 Impressions

I guess a lot of people shared our sentiments regarding the official BF 3 beta. The interbutt has been in somewhat of an uproar over whether or not "beta" is actually french for "demo", and if it will have any impact on sales. Even Pachter doesn't miss an opportunity to show what a master of the obvious he is by weighing in on it in the latest Pach Attack.

Well, it looks like a lot of people's fears will finally be put to rest. There has been an in-depth first look at the final (or near final) version posted on Reddit. From this, it looks like DICE have actually been fixing things, and this game might turn out pretty good after all. The first paragraph sums it up pretty well.

"Let me start off by saying that the build we played at the GeForce LAN was light years ahead of the Beta. It's the theme that will probably run through the rest of this post; it was a great relief to see how much work DICE has put into polishing BF3 up for the final release. Off the top of my head, asides from few bugs (noted at the end), I didn't run into any of the glitches people were having in the Beta(such as rubbernecking or map glitches.)"

Which is great to hear, because let's face it, I was going to end up pre-ordering this shit anyway.

Do Not Try This at Home

Bark Souls

A Time to Cheat

The other night I reached a point in Dark Souls where it is starting to cost a lot to upgrade my weapons and buy the items I needed. It came to a point where I was just grinding and it was starting to become tiresome. Then by accident I discovered a secret. There is a ledge in a certain spot that if you get a bunch of guys to chase you, then drop down onto it they'll go flying right over the ledge, just like in that game about the lemmings. I think it might have been called, The Lost Vikings.

Anyway I found that doing this earns you a lot of souls very quickly. So I was able to finally upgrade my stuff and life was good. Then I kept doing it and felt like less of a man, because it's so easy that it's pretty much cheating. But the alternative is just grinding the same spots over and over for hours. It's not a challenge, it's just tedium. So I guess my question to you guys is: When do you think it's ok to cheat at a game?

In my opinion, as long as it's a singleplayer game and you're making the game more fun for yourself, then anything goes. If you're doing it online to gain an unfair advantage, then fuck your couch. When a lot of us were younger, the only way to beat some games was with the help of a Game Genie. Not because we sucked or were lazy, but because a lot of game developers genuinely seemed to hate children and wanted them to suffer.

Actually it was mainly because they didn't want people to just rent games; they wanted them to buy them so instead of making games longer, they just made them really fucking hard so you couldn't beat it in a weekend. Maybe part of the reason many games are so piss-easy today is that for most consoles, cheats and cheat devices no longer exist. You're pretty much forced to play the game the way the developer intended, for better or worse.

So instead of making games too easy, so people beat it in a weekend and trade it in, now developers are afraid of making games too hard, that people get frustrated and trade them in. Amazing how we've come full circle.

Battlefield 3 Beta Impressions

So the open beta for BF3 came out a little while ago, and we've both had a chance to log some time on it. With Rage and Dark Souls being released last week I guess we sort of neglected to talk about it. Probably because the beta is a giant turd out of a fat man's butt.

I don't know what else to say, really. Jaison and I both tried it on PC and 360. It's buggy and shows some really dumb design choices. We played a couple rounds together and both of us had our fill. The first map they chose is a small player count rush map with no vehicles. On 360 it runs better, but things are so muddled it's really hard to see your enemy before they blow your brains out. The PC version looks quite a bit nicer, but seems to be more buggy. I constantly get crashes and weird stuff happening.

I don't know about 360, but on PC they just released a new map which is a 64 player conquest map, with vehicles! I can't comment on it though because I can't stay in a fucking match for more than 2 minutes. I am constantly getting kicked or the game crashes or christ knows what else. It's really frustrating and I think it's going to put many people off buying the game.

I know it's a beta, it's old code, it's unfinished, blah blah. But this is what you're choosing to show people and as such, you really should try to put your best foot forward. I am confident the final release will be good; not great, but good. But after playing the beta, it's hard to maintain any enthusiasm for it.

Dark Souls Impressions

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief so I can go back to actually playing the game. First off, the limited edition. It's a piece of shit. Maybe that's a bit harsh but still. You get a cool tin box and a decent artbook. But that's pretty much it. You know the mini guide and soundtrack cd you see in the ads? Well what you actually get is a little card with a code on it to download them off the website. The mini guide is just a few pages cut-and-pasted out of the real strategy guide. It is good info, but a lot of it should be in the damn manual to begin with. Overall I was disappointed with it, but it didn't cost me anything extra so in the end, who cares I guess.

The game itself is good. Damn good. And hard. Damn hard. But I am sure we all knew that already. If you liked Demon Souls you will really enjoy this game. Surprisingly, at first I did not like it very much. The areas they start you out in are kind of lame, and they throw annoying shitty enemies at you right off the bat. Not to mention there is a lot to take in and they explain as much to you as the original Demon Souls; which is, jack shit. So it's very easy to get frustrated and die a lot in cheap, shitty ways that just are not fun at all. I actually had to start over because the class I chose was useless at pretty much everything.

However, once you gain a few levels and get a handle on how things work it becomes a lot more fun. It takes a few hours, but like a crazy ex-girlfriend, once this game gets it's hooks into you it won't let go without a fight. The big change in Dark Souls is that there is no hub area anymore. All the levels are connected, really makes it feel like one huge world. You will open up shortcuts which allow you to get around much easier and bonfires in each area will allow you to regenerate health and level up your stats.

If I have one complaint, it would have to be the story so far. Not that Demon Souls was Shakespeare, but the story really helped to draw you in while remaining fairly unobtrusive. King goes mad with power, wakes up ancient evil and unleashes demons. Your job is to kill demons and defeat the king. Simple but effective. In Dark Souls you play as ah...hmm...an undead guy, whose mission is...umm...to ring some bells...or something? There's a cutscene at the beginning that doesn't really explain anything but shows some cool monsters that you'll no doubt end up having to fight. Occasionally you'll free an NPC that is trapped in a level and they'll spout off some gibberish, but so far there has been nothing to really make me feel like I am on an important quest of awesomeness.

In spite of all that, I am still having a blast. The gameplay is very similar to Demon Souls. There are a lot of ways to exploit the AI and use cheap tactics to kill hard bosses way before you should be able to. Not that it's a bad thing, as it allows pussies like me to actually finish these games. If you're stuck at a certain enemy, you're also free to grind levels until you're strong enough to beat them. And you will have to grind a bit to upgrade your stats and weapons/armor, but this is a Japanese RPG after all. Now if you'll excuse me I've got some grinding to do. Peace!

Rage First Impressions

So with Dan busy getting his ass handed to him in Dark Souls it's up to me to check out Rage; IDs new Shooter/RPG that combines elements of Fallout 3 and Borderlands. Unfortunately they aren't always the best parts of those games.

You play as...ah...hmm...a man, who is on a mission to...ugh...do something, but first he has to stop things...before...or after...no wait. There's nothing here, there's no story. 2hrs into the game all I've gotten so far is the premise of Fallout 3 (minus the nukes) explained to me in an opening cinema and a few missions that wouldn't amount to more than side quests in most games. I understand games usually start you out slowly to get you accustomed to them but they also have some sort of overarching purpose to your actions. A goal or as some nerds like to call it "a main quest". Your purpose is simply to exist, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing (it is a harsh wasteland after all) except there's no struggle for survival. Instead you're giving this empty void of a character, who doesn't even talk, and the NPCs aren't much better. They merely exist to give you menial tasks and tutorial information. Not to mention the talents of John Goodman are completely wasted.

You may think I'm bitching about this too much, it is a shooter after all, who cares about the story, but I disagree. Sure you don't need a good story to enjoy a game, in fact, despite what you've read so far I am enjoying Rage, but few interesting characters, and I dunno, maybe an actual PLOT, can go a long way. It just feels like a lost opportunity. Especially for a game that's touting itself as part RPG.


That said once you get into the mission areas and start fighting bandits the game gets a lot better. The enemy AI is solid, nothing revolutionary yet, but definitely more engaging than your average shooter. The game also runs extremely smooth and fast, giving it a bit of an old school vibe. A lot like Doom not surprisingly. Unfortunately to get that speed id made some sacrifices with the textures. For the most part it isn't noticeable but once in awhile you'll get too close to an object and it just looks like shit. I took a shot of my screen with my digital camera so you could see what I'm taking about. Luckily the art design helps make up for it. The environments are definitely more interesting then anything fallout or borderlands had to offer.

I think that's supposed to be pavement.

Overall I'm still having a lot of fun with this game. The combat is definitely the highlight so far, and there are some cool weapons, vehicle racing and crafting skills to keep things interesting. I'll post more when I finish the game.

Console Warz

HAHA M I RITE GUYS??

It's Aliiiiiive!

Neat, looks like Uncharted meets Fallout meets The Road. They really missed the boat though in not using Help I'm Alive by Metric in the trailer.