Let's Shut Down the Internet

Ok boys, time to shut 'er down. I don't think there has ever been a greater tool to allow people to be useless fuck bags. As a species I think we've clearly shown that we're not prepared to handle this responsibility yet. (Video contains much SWEARING)

Team Fortress 2 Tips For Noobs

Now that Team Fortress 2 is free forever, the servers are being flooded with noobs. If you just downloaded the game to see what the fuss is about, you're probably pretty confused by it all. That's understandable. This is PC gaming after all. Nothing can be simple. But fear not, little nooblets for Big D is here with lots of handy advice to transform you into a perfectly mediocre TF 2 player!

1. Take a moment to configure controls. It's ok if you don't know what every button is supposed to do yet. Get an idea of what button does what and change any that you think will be a problem.

2. Configure your server browser. I usually check the boxes to show only games that are not full, have people in them and aren't password protected. A latency of under 200 is also pretty essential. Setting max player count to 24 is a good idea as 32 player servers tend to devolve into a clusterfuck.

3. Watch the map intro movies (If the map has one). This will give you a good idea of what you're supposed to be escorting or capturing.

4. Try every class. You'll have plenty of time to pick a favorite. Just try each one and get a feel for how they move and what weapons they have available. This will also help you in knowing how to deal with them.

5. Learn more about each class. A lot of classes have little tricks that aren't immediately apparent. For example, Pyro's air blast can launch people, deflect rockets and put out burning team mates. Watch videos on youtube or read some of the various guides out there. Start with the classes that interest you most. It's worth learning about every class though because again, it will help you know their tricks so you can deal with them.

6. Start by playing defense. There's no quicker way to get frustrated by running into sentry turrets or sticky bombs over and over. Don't feel bad about hanging back and patrolling the base. It's important to protect the intelligence or control points. You can help engineers by shooting/burning everyone that comes near their turrets in case they are a spy.

7. Stick with team mates. It's almost like this is a TEAM based game or something?! Once you get the hang of a few classes, you're ready to move up with your team. You can help by watching their backs for spies or anyone else who manages to flank them. When someone gets an ubercharge, push forward with them if you are able to.

8. Learn the maps. Playing each map a couple times should give you a general feel for the layout. You might miss some secret alternate routes or health/ammo pickups though. It's worth spending some time in an empty server or making your own so you can explore each one.

9. Know when to fold 'em. This is a hard lesson. If you are outnumbered, or low on health, or staring down a pissed-off ubercharged heavy, there's only one thing to do. Run away like a little baby. Find some health and/or ammo, call a medic and regroup with your team.

10. Configure advanced options. There's a tab at the bottom of the main menu screen with loads of advanced options for each class. Once you've played for a bit you're likely to have an idea of what they do. Some of these can be pretty helpful. Under the regular options, the keyboard tab has it's own advanced options. One of these is quick weapon switching, which is super useful. Why it can't be with the other advanced options...God only knows.

And there you have it! Follow these 10 easy steps and you'll be better than Jaison in no time. More miscellaneous tips may come later if I feel like it.

Why Did I Got Banned?

A guilty pleasure of mine has always been reading the banned account forum on the X-box live website. Ok it's not guilty at all, this forum is a comedy goldmine. Here are a few choice gems. (Click to read)

Courtesy of whywasibanned.com

F.3.A.R. Impressions

Let's start this off by calling the game Fear 3, for my sanity and yours. Good? Ok great, moving on. Next order of business, the game. I picked it up on tuesday and have put a few hours into both the single and multiplayer so far. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what this thing is all about, so here goes.

If you have never played a F.E.A.R., sorry Fear game; first off, what the hell is wrong with you? Second, you should probably go do that right now. It's ok, I can wait..... Done? Ok awesome. The first 2 Fear games were remarkably solid single-player FPS's. They didn't re-invent the wheel, but they brought enough unique elements (Such as slow motion bicycle kicks and relentless AI) that they were well worth the price of admission. They also brought some psychological horror elements that worked (or didn't) to different degrees.

So here comes Fear 3, made by a new studio (Day 1 instead of Monolith) with it's focus on co-op campaign and a bizarre mishmash of multiplayer modes. It also features Paxton Fettel, the bad guy from the first 2 games, as a playable character who teams up with the hero. Yeah...sounds like a direct to DVD sequel to me. Apparently everyone else though to too because this game just sort of snuck out with very little fanfare, like a fart in church.

I bought Fear 3 because I really enjoyed the first 2, and this one was getting good reviews out of the gate. Also the lure of co-op play, if Jaison ever stops being poor (Never). In the end I will agree that most reviews of it are technically pretty accurate. I honestly can't say the game looks amazing (It doesn't) or that the gameplay mechanics are revolutionary (They aren't). The single-player is very linear and scripted, as you would expect of any FPS in the post CoD landscape. It's got something those other games don't though. And that something is....

...Fun! Ok, that was a pretty retarded. Please let me elaborate! Basically this game has that X-factor that allows it to be more than the sum of it's parts. The movement is fast and fluid, the guns feel nice and punchy, and the AI is fucking brutal. And not in a CoD "Headshot you from across the map" way. In more of a "Hunt your ass down and work together to flush you out" way. The campaign isn't that long, and the story's very forgettable...but it's just plain fun and I have a hard time articulating why.

I own so many critically acclaimed games that are just too boring (Red Dead Redemption is one). But Fear 3 is a game that I just don't want to put down. The multiplayer is 4 player only, and lacks any customization or perk system like CoD. They knew they had no hope of competing with Call of Duty on it's own turf, so they decided to rip off other successful games instead (Left 4 Dead, horde/zombies mode) as well as throw a few of their own ideas into the hat. And you know what? It works. It might not have the staying power of some other top tier FPS games, but even playing with strangers I was having a blast. I can only imagine how fun it would be playing with three friends. If only I had three friends....

Oh wait, that's perfect...

My Kingdom For a Health Pack

It occurred to me a while ago that in most games (and nearly all shooters) regenerating health has all but replaced the venerable health pack. I've been playing some older games recently and it's not just nostalgia talking when I say I miss those handy little white and red nuggets.

I just need to ask why? Is it because it's not "realistic" enough? Because magically regenerating bullet wounds are just so lifelike. Or is it because it streamlines gameplay? Nothing keeps you in the action more than ducking behind walls every 10 seconds while you wait for your health to regenerate. To me it seems like a case of laziness and pandering to the lowest common denominator. "Oh no, we might have to figure out where to put them! What if people get to a hard part without much health left? They might get frustrated and trade the game in!"

To this I say Grow a fucking pair, you nancies. Games are mindless enough as it is. Managing your health and scrounging to find more when you really need it adds another layer of depth to a game. I was playing Duke 3D recently, and had to run away from some enemies because my health was too low. I searched the whole level and found a secret area with an atomic health boost. It was like a gift from the gods. It felt extremely gratifying to be able to go back and kick the shit out of those enemies with full health.

Will we ever see the health pack make a comeback? I sure hope so. If not for video games then at least for the economy. The health pack industry has taken a huge hit because of this recent regenerating health fad. Many companies are being forced into massive layoffs. I mean, just look at these figures.


It just ain't right...

All Game Music Needs Lyrics

Case in point

We Have a Tweeter

So now we have a tweeter feed...thing. you may have noticed it down in the corner, acting all non-chalant. If any of you guys have a twiteer or like to tweet, tell us your name so we can add you and together we will form a vast tweeting empire!!

Keith at E3 2011

The quest for the holy grail is over! Easily the best thing to come out of E3 this year.

Sheepord.

Wrax.

Games I Like - Thief

Imagine the year is 1998, and to date the best FPS games you've played are Doom, Duke Nukem 3D and Quake. Suddenly out of nowhere comes a new FPS game from Looking Glass Studio where you...try not to kill anything? Wait, what?

Set in a sort of medieval steampunk world, Thief is the story of Garrett who is a Thief (Surprise!) and gets caught between 2 opposing factions (Pagans and Hammerites) in his quest to steal as much loot as possible. The story is actually much more complicated than that, told through in-game notes, monologues and hand drawn cutscenes. But that is the basic gist of it. The story is great and Garrett is one of the best protagonists in a FPS game or otherwise. But the gameplay is really what blew me away at the time.

Though probably not the first stealth game ever, Thief certainly was (and still is) one of the best. It was the first to use light and sound for enemies to detect the player. You could use water arrows to put out torches, moss arrows to mask your footsteps and even a blackjack to knock your enemies unconscious. Enemies would react to blood stains, loud noises and shouts from their friends. Yeah that's pretty common stuff now, but in '98 it was fucking unheard of.

The level design was also pretty open, with multiple paths and lots of extra loot to steal. Depending on the difficulty, you had extra objectives to complete and your path through the level might change. Between levels you could buy more tools and items to help you on your next mission. There are just so many elements here that make a great game, and Thief combines them all to form a superb complete package. You can find it's influence in Splinter Cell, and pretty much every stealth based game that came after.

Though the graphics hold up about as well as anything from that era (very poorly) and the stealth elements it pioneered have been reused ad nauseum, Thief is still well worth playing. It's also fitting that one of the best games of all time should spawn one of the best sequels of all time.

Minecraft in a Nutshell

AKA Build a house then forget why you were playing....craft.

A New Sitcom Idea

With more and more pandering being done to the emerging "gamer" demographic, it seems like there is a lot of untapped potential for gaming related TV shows. Luckily Big D is here to help. Given Hollywood's complete inability to come up with new material, it might just be the perfect time to dust off an old classic and repackage it for a new generation.

Thomas Halo (Played by Frankie Muniz) is a typical 25 year old gamer who has no job, no prospects and lives at home with his mother, Estelle (Katey Sagal). Thomas's future is looking pretty dim, until one night during a thunderstorm when his mother reaches behind the television to unplug his X-Box. Just then the house is struck by lightning, killing her instantly. But as fate would have it, the same bolt of lightning has caused her soul to become trapped within Thomas' X-Box game console.

Now with the help of his motherly wisdom dispensing X-Box, Thomas is out to turn his life around. Whether it's owning noobs online or winning the affection of the girl next door, Thomas and Estelle will team up to face all of life's challenges. But first they will have to overcome adversity in the form of Robert Buzzkill (French Stewart), Thomas's new room mate. Robert is a devout mormon who believes that video games are evil and the X-Box is a tool of the devil.

Can Thomas triumph over adversity, rescue the princess and save the day? Just maybe, with a little help from My Mother the X-Box. Airing this fall on CBS!

Now to sit back and wait for the checks to roll in.

Breaking News - The Next Wii Console

After E3 this year we hung around Nintendo's booth and took the opportunity to rifle through their things. Jaison hit the jackpot big time when he found this secret design doc for their next console after the Wii U underneath Miyamoto's donut pillow. The console is still in the design phase, but it looks promising so far.



This is going to revolutionize multiplayer gaming as we know it.

Here we see a demonstration of the new controllers in use via the "human centipede" configuration. I would hate to be Sony and Microsoft right now.

Secret Weapons - Handheld SNES

Move over 3DS and Vita, the Hyperkin SupaBoy is in town! It's like the Sega Nomad for a new generation. I just hope it comes with it's own fusion reactor, or a lifetime supply of double A batteries...

For a projected retail of $79.99 it's actually pretty good looking. Too bad most good SNES games already have GBA/DS ports.

Impossible Cases in L.A. Noire

Yeah Pretty Much

Gears 3 Horde Mode

This looks like a lot of fun. Definitely more in-depth than horde mode in Gears 2. Seems kind of goofy though in a way. Cardboard cut-outs, really?

Space Marine Gameplay

Hurrrgh it looks so freaking good! Somebody put these guys in charge of every 3rd person game ever.

Dark Souls: Not For Pussies

Let's all share a chortle as one of the developers can't even beat an enemy in his own game.

Be a Dan!

The best tribute to the best character.

Cool Retro Posters

By Ninjaink

Don't Bet on Duke

I know I made a post some time ago about reserving judgement on Duke Nukem Forever until it actually comes out, and I still intend to...but things are not looking good as of now. The demo has been released for members of the "early access club" who bought Borderlands GOTY or pre-ordered Duke Nukem Forever.

I was a little leery of it after hearing lots of bad things about the demo, but I decided to go in with an open mind and see if I could have some fun with it...turns out I couldn't. This demo stinks. The movement is stiff and sluggish, the graphics are bad and the animations are laughable. Somehow the UI has actually gotten worse since Duke 3D. The humor seemed pretty forced, and there were a lot of one-liners recycled from the first game.

I have to give Gearbox credit for assuming control of this massive turd tanker ship and valiantly attempting to turn it into something vaguely entertaining. Randy Pitchford is taking a huge risk here, and is obviously doing so out of love for the franchise. But I have a feeling this is going to bite him in the ass. Everyone has high expectations for this game, and I predict critics are going to rip Duke Nukem Forever a new asshole.

If this game turns out to be anything more than thoroughly mediocre I will eat my Star Wars figurines, but for now I wouldn't bet on Duke.

Xbox E3 Press Conference Impressions

Just figured I post some random thoughts on the Xbox press conference.

- Modern Warfare 3 aka MW2 with more explosions

- Deliverance + Mouse Trap + Bermuda Triangle = New Tomb Raider

- Aside from Mass Effects combat Kinect Voice integration seems superficial at best. And still looks stupid.

- Bing search engine is awesome, but only cause Microsoft doesn't know how to organize their menu system.

- New TV options look cool but we'll never see them in Canada

- If you liked the first two you'll like Gears 3

- Kinect exclusive games seem to have extremely limited gameplay. Great for kids but that's about it.

- Kinect Fun Labs who wants their avatar to look like them? Have you used the internet before?

-Gears 3, Forza 4, Fable Journey, Halo anniversary and Halo 4. I think Microsoft is running out of ideas. I know Nintendo does the same thing but they have a ton of established franchises Microsoft has 4. Make something NEW you tards!

Overall for someone like me this show was very disappointing. I'm sure there's a lot of fun kinect stuff for the kids but this show just further demonstrates how limited the technology is without a controller. I think there's something telling when you watch the Star Wars demo and the player has to speak to turn on the lightsaber while the Jedi onscreen just pushes a button.

Welcome...to Die!

New Dark Souls trailer MMMMMMMM Yeah

Fuck yes let me play this game right now I am so ready for it!!

Best Game on Each Console

In an effort to quell the arguing of fanboys (and girls) everywhere, I've compiled a list of the best game on each console. This is a definitive list, there is no room for debate. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Think of all the time this will save.

Atari 2600 - Space Invaders

NES - Super Mario 3

Sega Master System - Sonic the Hedgehog

Game Boy - Pokemon

SNES - Final Fantasy 3

Sega Genesis - Sonic 3

Game Gear - Sonic

TurboGrafx 16 - Blazing Lazers

Sega CD - Sonic CD

Neo Geo - Metal Slug 3

Atari Jaguar - Aliens vs Predator

3DO - Wing Commander 3

Phillips CD-i - Zelda Faces of Evil

Virtual Boy - Wario Land

Sega Saturn - Panzer Dragoon

Nintendo 64 - Zelda

Sony Playstation - Resident Evil 2

Sega Dreamcast - Ikaruga

Game Boy Advance - Advance Wars 2

Playstation 2 - Metal Gear Sold 3 Subsistence

Game Cube - Resident Evil 4

X-Box - Halo

Nokia N-Gage - Who cares

PSP - Monster Hunter Freedom Unite

Nintendo DS - The World Ends With You

X-Box 360 - Gears of War

Playstation 3 - Demon's Souls

Wii - Mario Galaxy

PC -Doom

3DS - ???

WTF Japan? - Consoles as Girls

Yet another bizarre fetish that I don't get. I guess this is what happens when you get old.... All I can say to this is:

Alas Poor X-Box!

I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred by my imagination it is!

So my 360 has stopped working. Well, that's not entirely true. Everything works except the ethernet port. So yes, it might as well be dead. I think it got fried by static electricity during the other night's fucking immense thunder storm.

I'm going to try to pick up a new one this weekend at Future Shop. In the meantime I'll be playing Infamous 2. It's a game about a guy who fries things with static electricity. Oh....so that's what irony is.

Good Deals at Future Shop

Bonjour fellow canooks, today I was flipping through the Futureshop flyer; as I am wont to do while eating my cinnamon toast crunch, and noticed some pretty good deals on games. So if you've been waiting for a sweet sale, this could be it! Only if you live in Canada though. Maybe in the USA also, how should I know?

Anyway, the deals.

$199 - 250 GB X-box 360 slim console

$50 - Halo Reach Legendary Edition, Mortal Kombat

$40 - Hot Pursuit, Red Dead Redemption (Comes with Undead Nightmare), Portal 2, Crysis 2, Dragon Age 2, Shift 2, Bulletstorm, Dead Space 2, Mavel vs Capcom 3, Wireless ps3 and 360 controllers

$30 - Modern Warfare 2 (whoop de doo!) and a bunch of shitty Kinect games

$20 - Assassin Creed Brotherhood, Forza 3, World at War (blah)

$10 - Enslaved, Bioshock 2 (Seriously you have literally no reason not to own these now)

Dirt 3 Impressions

It's here! It's out! More Dirt! Wooop woop woop a doop! Am I a fan of this series? I guess so. Actually I am a fan of arcadey racing in general, and the Grid and Dirt games usually manage to scratch that particular itch where so many others miss the mark completely.

I haven't had a chance to beat the game yet, but I've played enough races that I am pretty sure what to expect. So I bet everyone's first question is, "How is the game, anyway?" Well I'm glad you asked! It's good. I mean, obviously. Critics have been pretty kind to Dirt 3, with review sites lining up around the block to ejaculate praise all over it. But I'm sure we've already seen those reviews. So let's move on and take a look at what works and what doesn't, in the eyes of a big fat racing noob.

First off, the career mode. I think you'll all be thrilled to hear that Dave Mirra and all the other X-Games jerk-offs are absent for the most part. You have a manager, and a mechanic and a couple miscellaneous cronies who yap at you between races. Thankfully though they keep quiet while you're actually driving. Ken Block is in the game, but only in Gymkhana events, and he doesn't say much.

Overall the career mode seems much more streamlined and less repetitive than Dirt 2, which is nice. However the prize money you earn is gone, replaced instead with reputation points. Pretty much all the management aspect of it is gone, with new cars and races just being unlocked every few levels. Managing your money was part of the fun in past games and I am sad to see it gone.

My biggest complaint is that it just feels a bit too streamlined. You spend all your time between races just picking your next event from a menu. It's not immersive at all, and the whole thing just feels sort of hollow. I miss the trailer and the crowds of spectators from Dirt 2.

Speaking of which, while the game might be more technically proficient, it somehow lacks the style and excitement of Dirt 2. Yeah, fireworks going off as you hit a jump was cheesy, but overall things just felt more energetic for some reason. The effects and the music just made the experience come alive and did a good job of capturing the excitement and spectacle of it all. I'm sure the change was intentional, as Dirt 3 really seems to strive to be a true successor to the Colin McRae Rally series instead of catering to the baseball cap wearing, energy drink chugging X-Games crowd.

To that end, the rally events take center stage this time. There is a much bigger selection of rally cars from the past and present. The tracks are varied and challenging, with snow and rain adding to the mix. Sadly there are only four locations to rally in. They do an admirable job of mixing up the track layouts, but I would have liked to see a bit more variety in the scenery.

The driving is as excellent as you'd expect, with a much improved handling model. I really have to give them credit for providing people so many options when it comes to tweaking difficulty. You can set the challenge level of the AI, then choose a preset level of assists or custom tweak your own. The best part is that the game is fully playable even without any assists. In many games, turning off options like traction control and ABS makes your car handle like a wild turkey. In Dirt 3 it handles just like you'd expect. Brake early, watch your back end, and you'll have no problems. Amazing!

One of the most surprising additions for me were the Gymkhana events. These involve knocking over barriers, swerving around poles and generally drifting around doing tricks. What surprised me most is that once you get the hang of them, they're actually....fun! Nowhere near the massive pain in the dick drift events were in Grid. They can still be annoying at times, but overall I was amazed how much I enjoy them.

So there you have it. Dirt 3 is a lot of fun, with enough variety to keep you busy online and off for a long time. It's definitely a step forward for the series, as well as a return to it's roots in some ways. This is for the better and worse, as I do find the campaign lacking in some of the ways that made Grid and Dirt 2 satisfying. It lacks a real sense of progression, with new events and sponsors seemingly being unlocked at random. Fortunately the racing is fun and challenging enough that it will keep you coming back over and over. And in the end, that's what counts I suppose.