Best DLC Game

This one came as a complete surprise to me. I never would have expected in a million years this game would be as good as it is. There are definitely tons of DLC games this year that are longer, better looking and have higher production values. But none of that matters because none of the games on live arcade I've played this year have been as fun as Vampire Smile. I am eagerly anticipating Ska Studios' next big release.

Best Christmas Gift

Lucky bastard.

Best Bro

FIST BUMP OF THE GODS

Most Extraneous Multiplayer

When I first heard they were including multiplayer in Dead Space 2 I was outraged. This is a game about scariness. How can I be scared when there are other xbox live jerkoffs yelling in my ear (sorry Jaison)? I was so mad that I wasn't going to buy the game. Or maybe buy it used.

But then when the game was released I folded like a cheap suitcase and got it on day one. Self control...what's that? Anyway I quickly discovered that the game came on two discs. What kind of shit is this! One is probably just for the multiplayer... I don't know if that's true or not, but anyway.

I finally got around to trying the multiplayer and it actually wasn't that bad. Jumping out of vents as the monsters is hilarious, and fighting to stay alive with your team was more fun than I expected. I still don't think they needed to include it though.

Best Game I Got For Free

Jaison gave me Trine 2 for my birthday, big props to you jaison! I have played it for a couple hours and it's really good so far. The first thing I noticed is that it is beautiful. Seriously god damn this game looks nice. But style is nothing without substance. Luckily it's also a lot of fun to play. Very much like the first Trine, with small improvements that come together to make it overall a more fun experience than the original. Plus it's got online multiplayer, what's not to like?

Musical Interlude

While we prepare the next round of awards, please give it up for the awesome sounds of Fantomenk!!

Best Sequel

Dark Souls is everything a good sequel should be. It expands on the core concepts of the original, while still managing to do it's own thing without just feeling like a retread. I guess this is partly because it's more of a spiritual sequel, telling a completely new story. While I didn't enjoy the story as much as the original, I felt the much larger size of the game and cool additions like covenants more than made up for it.

There is a lot to do in this game and I enjoyed every minute of it (Except Anor Londo, seriously fuck you anor londo!). Between levelling up, upgrading gear and exploring the world, I spent around 50 hours on my first play-through. That's more than some people spend on Skyrim. Woah! And I still am not bored of it. I feel like I got a good value for my money on this one.

Biggest Trainwreck

I wanted to give this award to Brink, but in the end you've got to hand it to 3D Realms. George Broussard is a master of driving a well-loved franchise straight into the fucking ground. I'm not sure how they could have shit the bed any worse. I have to give credit to Gearbox for actually getting the game finished but at the same time shame because Duke Nukem Forever should never have seen the light of day, and tricking people into paying $60 for this reeking turd is morally reprehensible.

Best Game That Nobody Played

This game looks god damn beautiful. It got fantastic reviews. It's pure old-school platforming fun. Yet whenever I talk to people about it, I always get the same response. "Yeah it looks really good. I'll pick it up when it goes on sale." I can't really blame them, because I was thinking the exact same thing. I guess in this age of Skyrims and Mass Effects, people just aren't willing to pay full price for a 2D platformer not starring a fat Italian plumber.

Best Batman Related Game

I haven't actually played this one yet, so instead I'll paraphrase what Jaison has told me about it. This game is at least as good as Arkham Asylum, which already makes it better than every other Batman game out there. The open-world structure doesn't add much to the experience, and in some ways it actually bogs down the main story.

The side-quests are entertaining in their own right though, and finding the Riddler's clues is a fun distraction. The boss fights have been improved, and while still not perfect they are leagues ahead of the crap in Arkham Asylum. The Catwoman missions are a good way to mix things up, and aren't that sexist after all. This is certainly the best Batman game, and probably one of the best games overall this year.

Blast from the Past

If you grew up playing video games in the 80s this was your life.

Most Wasted Potential

For a while this was a toss-up between Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3, but then it occurred to me that nobody really expected MW 3 to be anything more than mediocre. Battlefield 3 had a lot of potential between the new Frostbite engine, breath-taking visuals and 64 player conquest.

Instead what we got was a relatively uninspired singleplayer campaign, godawful multiplayer interface, glitches, bugs, balance issues and a frustrating unlock system that actively handicaps new players. It seems like they managed to combine many of the annoying parts of classic Battlefield with those of the newer Bad Company series. When everything clicks, the game is great fun and you see a spark of greatness. Most of the time though, it's as productive as slamming your head in a car door. I'm hoping in time it will get patched to the point where I'll actually enjoy it, but I won't hold my breath. Better luck next time, Dice.

Best Driving Game

Forza 4 was up against some tough competition in the form of Dirt 3, but it managed to pick up speed in the last turn and win by a photo finish!! It has so many options to customize your car and some of the most realistic driving physics I have ever experienced. It was so good, I must have played through the demo at least five times. And that was just the demo! I never got the full game, but I can definitely see myself buying it when it goes on sale.

32nd Annual Fudgee® Awards

Can you believe it's that time of year again already?! Hello and welcome to the 47th annual Fudgee awards, where we give credit where it is due, and shame where it's overdue to the Top games of 2011! Yes I know it's technically not the end of the year yet, but all the games we care about have come out already, so without further ado let's hand out some awards!!

METAL....GEAR?!

On the one hand, Platinum games are great at making funny, crazy over-the-top action games. On the other hand, why the need to drag Metal Gear into this? Hasn't the franchise been through enough already? People already hate Raiden enough because of MGS 2, I don't think this is going to help things any.

PC gaming on Ipad

This is pretty awesome. Onlive is releasing a controller and app for 49.99 that lets you play pc games on your ipad. Some of the games like LA Noire will also make use of touch screen controls, if you're into that sort of thing. All you need is a wi-fi connection.



If only I wasn't such a shut-in, I might actually want this.

New Modern Warfare 3 Ad

Cause that's just what MW3 needs, more advertising.

In Loving Memory

Nothing but manly tears right now.

MW 3 Spawning is F'd

In case you didn't know that already.

Sweet Professor and Hella Luke

I don't know where this came from, but it's awesoem.

Bros Before....Ah You Get It

Solaire you were a true fucking bro and I was so sad when I had to kill you. Godspeed you crazy motherfucker.

Serious Sam 3 is Out?

I guess? It apparently launched yesterday, and steam is telling me it's available to buy for forty canadian dollery-doos. But I cannot find a review on this game anywhere. It just sort of slid out like a turd in a swimming pool. When a game launches with this little fanfare it usually bodes well for it, and by well I mean terrible.

Anyway here's the launch trailer.

It looks...surprisingly mediocre. Like they just updated the old Serious Sam with some bland visuals and modern FPS staples (Assault rifle, iron sites, C4). The jokes don't seem especially funny either; they just seem to be trying too hard. It's like that kid in school who does something stupid but funny, and everyone laughs at him, so he sees it as his ticket to popularity and he keeps doing it but it's a little less funny each time, until everyone just feels bad for him and won't invite me to their birthday parties anymore. I guess what I am saying is I will probably buy this when it goes on sale.

Parent of The Year

I'll usually make fun of anything, but jesus christ I hope this isn't real.

Modern Warfare 3 Fan Art

I found this while I was updating the graphics on Jaison's PC...

You'd Be Stupid Not To

While we're at it, we'll open up your case and take a gaping shit right inside. No extra charge!

Skyrim Sala Bim

Hello everyone and welcome to what just might be our most controversial review yet! I have been heavily debating with myself whether to post this or not, because while I generally do not give a shit about what people think, I really don't want to be that guy. You know the one, well you'll see what I mean...

As you may have gathered from our tweeter (or not) I've been putting a few hours into Skyrim lately on the PC. I'd say I've played for about five hours so far, which probably isn't much considering how people are saying you can spend LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF HOURS doing anything!! But for me, I think it's been enough to decide how I feel about this game.

If I had to sum it up in a word it would be 'neatoring', because while it is neat in some ways it is really boring in many others. First of all, I must give credit where it is due and say that Skyrim is fucking gorgeous. They spent a lot of time getting the details down and while the NPCs still look like robots wearing a thin layer of artificial skin over their cold metal skeleton, the rest of the game looks god damn amazing.

There are also a lot of things you can craft, spells to use and quests to undertake. For the most part they do a decent job of varying the types of quests and how you go about completing them. I enjoy it when a seemingly routine fetch quest opens up into something much more complex. It's just a shame I can't bring myself to experience more of it.

This isn't a knock against Skyrim, but more Bethesda games in general. The writing is all over the place, and while some of the side quests are interesting the main quest has been pretty stupid. Within the first hour of not really trying to do anything, I killed a dragon and found out I am a "Dragonborn" (Sorry, I am not spoilering this shit it's practically on the back of the box) who absorbs dragons souls and then yells dragon words that do magic things. Sorry guys, that's dumb.

Add to that the NPCs who just kind of stand there or move around like creepy androids and I have a hard time investing myself in this world. The AI in this game is so ridiculously stupid that it's hilarious. I'm sure we've all seen the video of a guy putting pots over the NPCs heads so he can steal from them. I was fighting a giant spider in a cave, and when I backed up it just refused to come forward so I pelted him to death with arrows. There are so many ways to exploit the stupid mechanics and break the game that it's just disappointing. I thought they'd have made some progress since Daggerfall.

I can forgive all that (After all, the AI in Dark Souls is pretty dumb and the story isn't great) if the gameplay is fun. Unfortunately it isn't. The first-person combat is as clunky and paper-thin as ever. There are no combos or really anything to do except mash away and block occasionally. Magic is a little better but still not what I'd call deep. My guy just sort of plods around and drains his stamina bar in about 3 seconds even though I've put five levels into it so far. Just going places and doing things starts to feel like a chore. The interface doesn't help by being clunky and annoying at times. It was clearly designed for consoles, but even playing with a 360 controller it doesn't feel that great.

So I guess that's it. Everyone seems to love this game, except for me. It just feels like the clunky Elder Scrolls games I have played before and while it looks amazing and there is a lot to do, I just don't feel like it has made advancements in any of the areas that matter to me. I think it's cool that people really enjoy it, and I wouldn't give them shit for that. I just feel like when a game like this comes out and is super popular, people generally fall into two camps; Those who spooge at the mere mention of it, and those who just want to shit on it because it's popular.

In the end, I guess you could say I think this game deserves a little of both. Spooge and shit. Take that, IGN.

Dubstep Racing - Nitronic Rush!

Developed by students at DigiPen Institute of Technology, this incredibly fun and stylish racer finally hit the tubes for download.

Nitronic Rush is awesome, and definitely worth checking out if you have some sort of controller for your PC. The main campaign is fun, but a little short and fairly easy. Luckily the challenge levels are hard as balls. Did I mention it's free? Just kidding, I know I didn't mention that. Now go download and play this game because it's fucking sweet.

http://nitronic-rush.com/

Modern Warfare 3 Multiplayer Pro-Tips

What up, what up. Big D here today with some CoD Uber Pro tips to help you all not be such pathetic noobs. Modern Warfare 3 is a flukey game at best, and downright retarded bullshit at worst, but here are some tips to help you out.

1. Disable theatre mode recording in your online options menu. I just learned this but apparently it causes some lag by having it turned on. So unless you like wanking to your own epic kill streaks, turn that shit off.

2. Turn off vibration on your controller. This can be done with the ingame options menu. It will help you aim a lot easier while there are all kinds of explosions and shit going on around you. After a while I find it just gets annoying anyway.

3. Turn up your sensitivity. Jaison doesn't do this but he is a crazy person so ignore him. I usually play with one above the default level, which feels perfect to me.

4. Start with support killstreaks. These carry over between deaths, so even if you die a lot you can still call some in. The spawning in this game is pretty bullshit, so you can't always depend on getting regular killstreaks even if you're a decent player.

5. You can drop-shot, but I'm not telling you how because it is for fucking pussies and if you do it to me you will be getting some hate mail. Moving on...

6. Use SMG or assault rifles to start. Most of these guns are pretty decent this time around, so you will have an easier time starting with them. The Type 95 is the best rifle and the PP90m1 is the best SMG, so when you unlock them you are set.

7. When in doubt, camp. With such bullshit spawns in this game you're going to die a lot trying to move around. Try to find a spot near a busy path and just camp the shit out of it. You will still die but you'll likely rack up some more kills this way.

8. The Trophy system is awesome. This doesn't unlock for a while but it is a camper's best friend. When deployed, it destroys two projectiles; including grenades, flashbangs, rockets and predator missiles. Set up a claymore guarding the door and this thing by the window, and you can go to work.

9. Don't use grenade launchers. Unlike MW 2 where noob tube with Danger Close was fucking godly, they actually really suck this time around and require almost a direct hit to kill. Shotguns also suck pretty bad until you unlock some attachments. Then they become mostly mediocre.

10. Avoid your team mates. Especially if you are using Blind Eye and/or Assassin, because they probably aren't. They will give away your position by acting like retards and lead to many deaths that could otherwise have been avoided. Unless they are Jaison, then they will probably just shoot at you.

Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart

This is the best Dark Souls re-creation of Bruce Campbell or possibly Jay Leno that I have ever seen. Hail to the king, baby.

JRPG Hero

No son of mine is leaving the house dressed like that!!! Come back inside and put on your belts this instant!

Kotaku Goes Full Retard

Not that we weren't all expecting this. But anyway, in a long tradition of inane, bitchy rants about stupid things (Back off, that's our territory!) Kotaku has finally committed the cardinal sin of defending Call of Duty.

They really ought to know, bitching to people to stop bitching about things on the internet is like pissing into an ocean of piss. People will love to complain about anything that's even remotely popular. That's life, and it's FAR from something unique to video games.

And honestly, of all the games to defend you pick Call of Duty? I don't think these games need defending. Sales numbers speak volumes about how popular this shit is. The reason people hate on CoD is generally because the campaigns are incredibly linear and scripted, with very minor incremental improvements, and the multiplayer is a giant fuck-fest that caters to people's worst tendencies.

But wait, didn't we both buy MW 3 on release day? You bet we did! Then we both spent the night shouting profanities at the game through our headsets. There is a genuine spark of fun present that keeps us coming back, but it's buried so deep in liquid feces that you need a fucking snorkel to find it.

Us Playing Call of Duty

It's tough keeping Jaison under control, but somehow I manage.

Cinematic Gaming - The Best Movies You've Ever Played?

It seems like the biggest buzzword in gaming for the last while has been 'cinematic'. What does that even mean anyway? Merriam Webster defines it as: "of, relating to, suggestive of, or suitable for motion pictures or the filming of motion pictures".

So for all us dummies, that means it's like a movie. And that's a good thing. I can't help but be puzzled by all this. I mean, if people want to see a movie why don't they go see a movie? You don't see movies being advertised as "very book-like". In the end, isn't what makes games fun the fact that you're actually playing them? I guess I just don't see why an interactive medium tries so hard to emulate a non-interactive one.

I think I first noticed this when I played Call of Duty 4 back in 2007. I was frustrated that I couldn't open doors, or interact with my squad mates or really do anything except continue on the marked path. I remember reading a post on the Penny Arcade news page where they shared the same feelings. After playing tactical shooters like Rainbow Six it felt like a big step backward. I thought this was just a fad, like 'bullet time' that games would grow out of. But Call of Duty's incredible success changed the face of video games for a long time to come.

It seemed like from then on, video games were obsessed with creating a cinematic experience, where the player is constantly bombarded with crazy shit but doesn't actually have have an impact on any of it. The problem is that, like a carnival ride, once you discover the inner workings it loses all believability. And without solid gameplay to fall back on, there really is nothing to these games.

So what got me thinking about this again? I was playing through Battlefield 3 singleplayer and in the first level there is a subway car with a bomb in it. As you run toward the door, the bomb begins beeping faster and faster until it is about to blow. But I couldn't find my way out, so I just sort of ran around for a few minutes with the bomb beeping away. Only when I found the correct spot did the bomb finally blow up, seconds after I jumped out the window. Yeah, that sure was a close one...

After talking to Jaison about Uncharted 3 I get the impression that it suffers from a similar case of style over substance. There's no denying that the game looks gorgeous. The presentation is flawless, the story is good and the voice acting is top tier. That would be perfect, if this was a movie... Unfortunately where it falls apart is the actual gameplay. Stiff movement, sluggish shooting, inconsistent platforming. This shit was not acceptable in the NES days, and it is not in the year 2011.

I think part of why I enjoy Demon's Souls and Dark Souls so much is because you feel in control of your character the entire time. You get to pick which level you want to beat and in what order (For the most part), there are very few cutscenes and no annoying NPCs constantly telling you where to go and what to do. There are no invisible walls fencing you in. If there's a ledge, you can jump off it. You might land on a secret passage or you might fall to your death. You never know, but that's all part of the excitement. Everything you do in the game; your successes and failures, they're your own doing.

You know what game doesn't have celebrity voice acting, quicktime events, setpiece battles or rail shooting segments? Angry Birds. Oh yeah, it's also been downloaded over 200 million times. They must be doing something right here.

Egoraptor Talks Game Design

Guy makes some really good points that never even occurred to me. I've always contended that Mega Man 2 is the Citizen Kane of video games, but Mega Man X is still fucking amazing.

How Battlefield 3 Should Be

This is what it's like for me pretty much every time I play. Except for the part where I get horrible lag constantly then my sound cuts out and I crash to desktop.

How About This One?

Pause music in a video game has no right to be this catchy, yet somehow vaguely threatening.

SKATE. OR. DIE.

This song will always haunt my dreams, even though I don't even remember much about the actual game. sk-sk-skate. or. die. die-d-d-die

Battlefield 3 Single Player Impressions

Wait, you didn't read that wrong, and no I am not posting from the future! Thanks to a Korean VPN proxy I was able to unlock my BF 3 singleplayer early and I've put a couple hours into it so far. Ok, so the official reviews came out yesterday, but I bet you all can't wait to see what a big whiny baby has to say about this game. No? Me either...

One thing you've probably gleaned from the reviews is that this game plays something like Call of Duty. And by that I mean it plays exactly like Call of Duty. They really should change their slogan from "Above and Beyond the Call" to "We couldn't fit any more of CoD's dick in our mouth if we tried". It's all there: The story treads the line perfectly between ripping off Black Ops and ripping of Modern Warfare 2. The gameplay is the same, from the stupid quicktime events to the AI that is dumber than a box of hair.

By the sounds of this, you are probably thinking that I hate this game. Well I actually happen to like Call of Duty. So playing CoD with better graphics and destructible environments is something I am totally cool with. The guns all feel nice and punchy, the graphics are god damn amazing, and the chatter between soldiers feels authentic enough that it's like playing an episode of Generation Kill.

I don't know what else there is to say, really. This is the game that I thought MW 2 would be based on it's first level. BF 3 plays things much straighter, and ends up better for it. The plot so far is stupid but not offensively so. Things go boom a lot, and it looks and sounds incredible. In the end, it's a fun way to pass the time until the multi-player unlocks. And let's be honest, that's the only thing anyone gives a shit about anyway.

Be Advised, Battlefield 3 Trailer Incoming

As bummed as I am that this game seems to be lacking any of the personality that the Bad Company games had, this actually looks pretty entertaining. Like Modern Warfare before it went batshit insane with MW 2.

Guy Gets Pissed at Dark Souls, Writes Song About It

I can sympathize with this poor guy. I mean, I love Dark Souls. But god DAMN, this level is just one giant clusterfuck after another that will reduce you to a weeping, blubbering shell of a man. Anor Londo is like punishment from God. In a game known for being hard, it's like they just pulled out all the stops and decided to come to your house and stomp all over your fucking BALLS with steel toed boots.

The song doesn't even really touch on the worst part of the level. It's like "Here, fight these annoying giant statues that will paste you in two hits. Ok, now fight these fast annoying little gargoyle fuckers who will shoot lightning and stab you. But wait there's more!! Now run up this narrow walkway while two archers on both sides fire giant arrows which are literally the size of fucking LANCES at you!! And shit on your fucking face if you get hit because it's going to knock you off and you're going to DIE, asshole! And don't try to block them either because they will still knock you off and you will be DEAD! Now once you get to the top try to fight one archer while the other one shoots you in the back and knocks you off the ledge HAHAHA ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET SHITSTAIN?!!!"

This was the most frustrating part of anything ever, and I am not usually one to throw a controller but mine must have travelled at twice the speed of sound that day. This horrible ungodly travesty had me literally jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the TV. After many tries I finally beat it and I thought the worst was past.

HAHA YEAH RIGHT, NEPHEW! This shit had not even begun! The bosses of this level oh my GOD the bosses. Yes I say bosses plural because you have to fight two of the fuckers at the same time. And once you kill one of them, the other one absorbs him to regenerate his full health bar and gain ungodly bullshit lightning powers. Also a retarded lightning buttslam that took off 3/4 of my health bar!!! Anyone who manages to beat this double shit sandwich supreme, come see me sometime and I'll buy you a drink. God knows you've earned it.

Shit Just Got Real

If you're not playing Dark Souls you probably should.

Arkham City is Sexist?

Yes it is. According to a recent article on Kotaku, anyway. Glad to see they are still upholding the grand internet tradition of getting offended on behalf of other people. The point of their rant seems to be that enemies like to call Catwoman a bitch a lot. And that's sexist. Maybe it's just the rampant misogynist in me talking here, but doesn't the fact that she is beating the ever-living shit out of these bad guys even the scales a bit?

I honestly think it was more a matter of the game's writers trying to come up with an insult to use that was mean without being truly offensive like whore or the c word that rhymes with stunt. So in the end, I guess the real problem here is that there just aren't enough gender specific insults for females. To remedy this, I propose we start making up more gender specific slurs just for women. Here's what I came up with so far:

Morette (female version of moron)

Dingess (females version of dingus)

Douchepurse (girl version of douchebag)

Shitskirt (woman version of shitshorts)

Fannyface (girl version of assface)

Muffmullet (girl version of dickhead)

If you can think of more please let us know in the comments!

Get Hyped for Battlefield 3....Again!

Forget crappy betas, this is how you sell a game!

Sexist Link of the Day

Do you like butts, booties, buns, rumps, keisters, fannies, backsides, rears, tushes, cans, cheeks, asses, duffs, and bums?! Then have we got a link for you! Cruise on over and check out Video Game Butt Shots. Not while you're at work though, unless you like getting fired!

Great Dark Souls Videos

This will come as a surprise to no-one, but Dark Souls is one of those games that you pretty much need a guide for. Yeah, you can bumble through the game on your own and probably end up beating it. But you're going to miss a ton of content, and probably end up wasting a lot of time and getting really frustrated.

Lucky for us, EpicNameBro has a series of awesome video guides on youtube that will be a godsend for anybody having trouble with Dark Souls. They're also funny and entertaining to watch. Whenever I beat an area I always go back and watch his video to see if I've missed anything.

Real Battlefield 3 Impressions

I guess a lot of people shared our sentiments regarding the official BF 3 beta. The interbutt has been in somewhat of an uproar over whether or not "beta" is actually french for "demo", and if it will have any impact on sales. Even Pachter doesn't miss an opportunity to show what a master of the obvious he is by weighing in on it in the latest Pach Attack.

Well, it looks like a lot of people's fears will finally be put to rest. There has been an in-depth first look at the final (or near final) version posted on Reddit. From this, it looks like DICE have actually been fixing things, and this game might turn out pretty good after all. The first paragraph sums it up pretty well.

"Let me start off by saying that the build we played at the GeForce LAN was light years ahead of the Beta. It's the theme that will probably run through the rest of this post; it was a great relief to see how much work DICE has put into polishing BF3 up for the final release. Off the top of my head, asides from few bugs (noted at the end), I didn't run into any of the glitches people were having in the Beta(such as rubbernecking or map glitches.)"

Which is great to hear, because let's face it, I was going to end up pre-ordering this shit anyway.

Do Not Try This at Home

Bark Souls

A Time to Cheat

The other night I reached a point in Dark Souls where it is starting to cost a lot to upgrade my weapons and buy the items I needed. It came to a point where I was just grinding and it was starting to become tiresome. Then by accident I discovered a secret. There is a ledge in a certain spot that if you get a bunch of guys to chase you, then drop down onto it they'll go flying right over the ledge, just like in that game about the lemmings. I think it might have been called, The Lost Vikings.

Anyway I found that doing this earns you a lot of souls very quickly. So I was able to finally upgrade my stuff and life was good. Then I kept doing it and felt like less of a man, because it's so easy that it's pretty much cheating. But the alternative is just grinding the same spots over and over for hours. It's not a challenge, it's just tedium. So I guess my question to you guys is: When do you think it's ok to cheat at a game?

In my opinion, as long as it's a singleplayer game and you're making the game more fun for yourself, then anything goes. If you're doing it online to gain an unfair advantage, then fuck your couch. When a lot of us were younger, the only way to beat some games was with the help of a Game Genie. Not because we sucked or were lazy, but because a lot of game developers genuinely seemed to hate children and wanted them to suffer.

Actually it was mainly because they didn't want people to just rent games; they wanted them to buy them so instead of making games longer, they just made them really fucking hard so you couldn't beat it in a weekend. Maybe part of the reason many games are so piss-easy today is that for most consoles, cheats and cheat devices no longer exist. You're pretty much forced to play the game the way the developer intended, for better or worse.

So instead of making games too easy, so people beat it in a weekend and trade it in, now developers are afraid of making games too hard, that people get frustrated and trade them in. Amazing how we've come full circle.

Battlefield 3 Beta Impressions

So the open beta for BF3 came out a little while ago, and we've both had a chance to log some time on it. With Rage and Dark Souls being released last week I guess we sort of neglected to talk about it. Probably because the beta is a giant turd out of a fat man's butt.

I don't know what else to say, really. Jaison and I both tried it on PC and 360. It's buggy and shows some really dumb design choices. We played a couple rounds together and both of us had our fill. The first map they chose is a small player count rush map with no vehicles. On 360 it runs better, but things are so muddled it's really hard to see your enemy before they blow your brains out. The PC version looks quite a bit nicer, but seems to be more buggy. I constantly get crashes and weird stuff happening.

I don't know about 360, but on PC they just released a new map which is a 64 player conquest map, with vehicles! I can't comment on it though because I can't stay in a fucking match for more than 2 minutes. I am constantly getting kicked or the game crashes or christ knows what else. It's really frustrating and I think it's going to put many people off buying the game.

I know it's a beta, it's old code, it's unfinished, blah blah. But this is what you're choosing to show people and as such, you really should try to put your best foot forward. I am confident the final release will be good; not great, but good. But after playing the beta, it's hard to maintain any enthusiasm for it.

Dark Souls Impressions

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief so I can go back to actually playing the game. First off, the limited edition. It's a piece of shit. Maybe that's a bit harsh but still. You get a cool tin box and a decent artbook. But that's pretty much it. You know the mini guide and soundtrack cd you see in the ads? Well what you actually get is a little card with a code on it to download them off the website. The mini guide is just a few pages cut-and-pasted out of the real strategy guide. It is good info, but a lot of it should be in the damn manual to begin with. Overall I was disappointed with it, but it didn't cost me anything extra so in the end, who cares I guess.

The game itself is good. Damn good. And hard. Damn hard. But I am sure we all knew that already. If you liked Demon Souls you will really enjoy this game. Surprisingly, at first I did not like it very much. The areas they start you out in are kind of lame, and they throw annoying shitty enemies at you right off the bat. Not to mention there is a lot to take in and they explain as much to you as the original Demon Souls; which is, jack shit. So it's very easy to get frustrated and die a lot in cheap, shitty ways that just are not fun at all. I actually had to start over because the class I chose was useless at pretty much everything.

However, once you gain a few levels and get a handle on how things work it becomes a lot more fun. It takes a few hours, but like a crazy ex-girlfriend, once this game gets it's hooks into you it won't let go without a fight. The big change in Dark Souls is that there is no hub area anymore. All the levels are connected, really makes it feel like one huge world. You will open up shortcuts which allow you to get around much easier and bonfires in each area will allow you to regenerate health and level up your stats.

If I have one complaint, it would have to be the story so far. Not that Demon Souls was Shakespeare, but the story really helped to draw you in while remaining fairly unobtrusive. King goes mad with power, wakes up ancient evil and unleashes demons. Your job is to kill demons and defeat the king. Simple but effective. In Dark Souls you play as ah...hmm...an undead guy, whose mission is...umm...to ring some bells...or something? There's a cutscene at the beginning that doesn't really explain anything but shows some cool monsters that you'll no doubt end up having to fight. Occasionally you'll free an NPC that is trapped in a level and they'll spout off some gibberish, but so far there has been nothing to really make me feel like I am on an important quest of awesomeness.

In spite of all that, I am still having a blast. The gameplay is very similar to Demon Souls. There are a lot of ways to exploit the AI and use cheap tactics to kill hard bosses way before you should be able to. Not that it's a bad thing, as it allows pussies like me to actually finish these games. If you're stuck at a certain enemy, you're also free to grind levels until you're strong enough to beat them. And you will have to grind a bit to upgrade your stats and weapons/armor, but this is a Japanese RPG after all. Now if you'll excuse me I've got some grinding to do. Peace!

Rage First Impressions

So with Dan busy getting his ass handed to him in Dark Souls it's up to me to check out Rage; IDs new Shooter/RPG that combines elements of Fallout 3 and Borderlands. Unfortunately they aren't always the best parts of those games.

You play as...ah...hmm...a man, who is on a mission to...ugh...do something, but first he has to stop things...before...or after...no wait. There's nothing here, there's no story. 2hrs into the game all I've gotten so far is the premise of Fallout 3 (minus the nukes) explained to me in an opening cinema and a few missions that wouldn't amount to more than side quests in most games. I understand games usually start you out slowly to get you accustomed to them but they also have some sort of overarching purpose to your actions. A goal or as some nerds like to call it "a main quest". Your purpose is simply to exist, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing (it is a harsh wasteland after all) except there's no struggle for survival. Instead you're giving this empty void of a character, who doesn't even talk, and the NPCs aren't much better. They merely exist to give you menial tasks and tutorial information. Not to mention the talents of John Goodman are completely wasted.

You may think I'm bitching about this too much, it is a shooter after all, who cares about the story, but I disagree. Sure you don't need a good story to enjoy a game, in fact, despite what you've read so far I am enjoying Rage, but few interesting characters, and I dunno, maybe an actual PLOT, can go a long way. It just feels like a lost opportunity. Especially for a game that's touting itself as part RPG.


That said once you get into the mission areas and start fighting bandits the game gets a lot better. The enemy AI is solid, nothing revolutionary yet, but definitely more engaging than your average shooter. The game also runs extremely smooth and fast, giving it a bit of an old school vibe. A lot like Doom not surprisingly. Unfortunately to get that speed id made some sacrifices with the textures. For the most part it isn't noticeable but once in awhile you'll get too close to an object and it just looks like shit. I took a shot of my screen with my digital camera so you could see what I'm taking about. Luckily the art design helps make up for it. The environments are definitely more interesting then anything fallout or borderlands had to offer.

I think that's supposed to be pavement.

Overall I'm still having a lot of fun with this game. The combat is definitely the highlight so far, and there are some cool weapons, vehicle racing and crafting skills to keep things interesting. I'll post more when I finish the game.

Console Warz

HAHA M I RITE GUYS??

It's Aliiiiiive!

Neat, looks like Uncharted meets Fallout meets The Road. They really missed the boat though in not using Help I'm Alive by Metric in the trailer.

Aegeri For President

User Aegeri on the Penny Arcade forums wrote this post about the Sawed-off shotgun in Gears of War 3 and is much better at articulating why it is such a giant turd of fuck than I am.

"The Gnasher has no advantages vs. the sawn off at point blank. Unless we're talking about someone absolutely completely incompetent, if they get near you then you are dead. It is absolutely that simple with the sawed off. It has a very reasonable "instagib" range and aiming it takes absolutely zero skill whatsoever. You have one shot but frankly, if you miss that one shot with the ridiculous instant kill arc it has you're bad at video games and should feel bad. The only way to counter a sawed off at close range, is to pray they get overexcited and shoot where you were as you've done a roll just before they reached you. Then mow them down trivially: But I have yet to see anyone good who is whoring the sawed off fall for that even once. They will just track you and blind fire you into bloody chunks once you finish rolling.

It turns execution gametypes into an absolute joke and any map that is very tight (like Checkout) turns into endless double barrel shotgun wars in no time. It's literally no fun to play against whatsoever, which is ironic because this is the first of the gears games that has actually made the gnasher fun and reasonable. Then they go and add the fucking sawed off in its current state, so we're right back to gears of war 2 shotgun wars: Despite the improvement to rifles. The amount of skill required to counter the sawed off is far greater than the amount required to actually use the damn thing. It is the very definition of "n00b cannon" and like anything like that it is when you give it to skilled players that it goes into absolutely broken territory."

Battlefield 3 Beta is Out!

Shit on your nuts if you actually want to play it, though. The servers on xbox are down because of maintenance. I assume PS3 and PC are likely the same story. Guess I'll try the PC beta to confirm. Preparing my bumhole for Origin now.

Gears 3 For Turds

The double barrel shotgun is such a huge piece of shit and if you use this gun I swear to god I will put my fist in a box and mail it to you so when you open it I will punch you right in the god damn face you sped.

Made My Choice

Choosing between picking up RAGE or Dark Souls on release was the toughest decision I have ever faced in my privileged white middle class life. In the end though I finally had to choose Dark Souls. The original Demon's Souls was the greatest game ever made, and if Ghostbusters 2 has taught me anything, it's that sequels are always better than the originals.

Also, if you pre-order Dark Souls you get a free upgrade to the collector's edition. Which is, pardon my french, really frigging cool. So if you're planning on getting it on release day, it's worth going in this week and plunking down the five bucks to reserve a copy. Need motivation? Here, have a new trailer.

All I have to say is