One Sentence Reviews

Tired of reading three page reviews that blabber on about pointless, irrelevant crap yet miss the point entirely? Aren't we all. Somethingawful.com has a great feature called One Sentence Reviews, which I really enjoy. I figure I will try my hand at a few and rate some of the games in my library.


Killzone 2 - Like that girl who is super hot, yet unbearable to spend any length of time with. 4/10

Uncharted 2 - It's like an action movie....THAT YOU PLAY! 8/10

Burnout Paradise - The best way to spend 20 dollars since you bought that old suitcase full of porno. 10/10

Mafia 2 demo - It's like GTA would be if GTA was fun. 7.5/10

Dead Space - Grow some testicles and play it on hard mode cause it is fan-fucking-tastic. 9.5/10

Team Fortress 2 - Proof of how PC gaming can still be a wonderful thing. 10/10

Operation Flashpoint Dragon Rising - They say you should regret nothing, but I regret buying this broken, frustrating, awful piece of turkey shit. 0/10

My World, My Way - A fun, old school RPG that I would be utterly embarrassed to let anyone catch me playing. 7.5/10

Red Dead Redemption - The best cougar hunting simulation since Cabella's Big Game Hunter 2005. 8/10

Shoulda Seen That One Coming

Well look at that, Microsoft bragging about upgrading their service and now we get this delightful little nugget, expelled directly from Major Nelson's colon. Yep, they're raising the price of a gold Live subscription by 10 bucks a year.

Seriously guys, you couldn't even justify the original fee and now you want MORE? Gotta love this quote from the article:

Since launching Xbox LIVE in 2002 we have continually added more content and entertainment experiences for our members, while keeping the price the same. We’re confident that when the new pricing takes effect, an Xbox LIVE Gold membership will continue to offer the best value in the industry.

Best value? You mean how your two other competitors offer online play for fucking FREE? Or maybe we're paying for those retarded videos on the dashboard you guys always put up to advertise your newest contest or pay DLC. Either way this is about as good a value as buying an extra value meal, but instead of a hamburger it's shit and instead of fries it's more shit!!

Although if I am reading the site correctly, here in Canada it's just the 1 month subscription going up. I can guarantee though that if the other subscriptions in the USA are increasing, ours soon will. At this point we really need the PS3, or god forbid the Wii to step up and with some superior online play and kick them right in their money grubbing balls.

Secret Weapons - The Handy Boy

Every kid had one thing they desired most, but were never able to obtain. Maybe it was a Power Rangers Megazord. Maybe it was a Colecovision. The white whale of my childhood will always be the Handy Boy.

It was the kind of accessory that was so ungainly, so ridiculously impractical that a child would most certainly go apeshit for it. This behemoth was so fucking colossal that it came with a shoulder strap! When the speakers were folded in it looked like a white plastic turtle, snug and secure in it's shell.

Then they would fold open like a delorean deploying it's gullwing doors. Revealing to the world the true awesome power of the HANDY BOY. Magnifying screen, light to play in bed, huge speakers, joystick AND extra large buttons for your fat little sausage fingers!!! It was like every shitty third party accessory rolled into one.

My cousin owned one of these extraordinary devices. On more than one occasion I contemplated smothering him with a pillow to obtain it. But then my small mind raced. Where would I hide the body? What would my parents think? How was I going to fit this great hulking thing in my fanny pack?! Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all.

I also just noticed that the company marketing it was called STD. Oh man I am lollin' so hard right now.

Treyarch You're All Right With Me

As you may or may not know (or care about), Treyarch is developing the next Call of Duty game (Black Ops) which Jaison and I are currently salivating for. When most fans of the series hear that name they turn up there nose like a dog unto a plate of broccoli.

Treyarch gets a pretty bad rap, often being called the poor man's Infinity Ward. I don't feel they deserve the title at all, and I'm sure Jaison will back me up on this. We both played CoD: World at War and thoroughly enjoyed the multiplayer, despite it's flaws. The singleplayer was also compelling for (yet another) WW 2 shooter. Hardcore deathmatch is still one of my best online experiences.

Well anyway, this most recent news makes me want to high-five each one of them. I don't even play games on the PC much any more. But after IW's iron grip on Modern Warfare 2's content, this is a pretty awesome move for Treyarch. Combine that with available dedicated servers and some gameplay balance tweaks (Killstreaks no longer stack!), and Treyarch is accruing Goodwill Points™ at an alarming rate.

Mog is The Best

When asked who the best final fantasy character is, you would probably answer Cloud, or Squall, or some other retarded doucheclown. Well you'd be wrong, so go to your room and think about what you've done.

The best character is Mog. This is not opinion it's the god given truth. Let's look at the facts.

FACT: He is a talking moogle.

FACT: He looks super cool and yet cute.

FACT: He is super bad ass.

FACT: He saves Terra and Locke from the empire.

FACT: He is the best dancer.

FACT: He is the only one that can wear the moogle charm.

FACT: He helps you find Umaro, who is also pretty cool.

FACT: He is a human-loving, fast-talking, street-smart, SLAM-dancing… Moogle…

The Greatest Video Game Soundtrack Ever!!

After reading Big D's post about video game music, I was reminded of my favorite video game music of all time, the soundtrack from Final Fantasy 3 (aka Final Fantasy 6) on the SNES. The game was incredible for it's time and probably the best FF in the series thus far. Plus the Super Nintendo's soundcard just made the experience that much better. If you never played it do yourself a favor and pick it up.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about.

Video Game Music

Playing the new Scott Pilgrim game and listening to it's fantastic soundtrack made me realize something I really miss about NES era games. The music. How they were able to play such catchy tunes on that hardware is amazing to me.

Just hearing the intro theme to Mega Man 2 gets me super pumped up, I am seven years old again and ready to spend another Sunday kicking Dr. Wily's wrinkly old ass. Well I did a little googling and learned that this kind of music has it's own genre called Chiptunes, and there are people producing new music playing on old video game hardware using the same old bleeps and bloops we heard as kids.


So now are you ready to start listening to the music you loved as a kid? Well hold the phone there maestro! First you are gonna need this plugin for Winamp to play the NSF files. You can download the soundtrack to pretty much every NES game here.

The soundtrack comes all as one file, and you use the slider on the plugin to change tracks. Cool!

Authentic Boredom Simulator

Sure glad they have been taking their damn time on Gran Tursimo 5, to ensure we get the most realistic boring experience possible.

It even looks like the driver is about to nod off. I didn't even know it was possible to make go-karts boring.

WTF Japan? - Terrible names

I know I rip on some pretty blatantly weird stuff coming out of Japan, but here's something that seems to slip by unnoticed by a lot of people. Awkward, engrish-y names. I know some things are hard to localize, but jesus someone needs to try harder. I will list a few from recent memory and why they are awful.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep - How the hell do you get born by sleeping? If it was really that easy maybe women wouldn't need to get a needle into their spine!

Kingdom hearts: 358/2 Days - How do you even pronounce this one? Three fifty-eight over two days? Three hundred and fifty-eight divided by two days? This name makes me so angry I don't ever want to play a KH game.

Final Fantasy Versus 13 - Is it a sequel to FF 13? Actually no, it's not related at all. So why not call it FF 14? WHOOOOO KNOWS!

Blazblue: Calamity Trigger - I like this game and even I will admit the name is retarded. It's actually pronounced Blazeblue, which is slightly better so why not include the E? It's not wheel of fortune you don't gotta buy a fucking vowel! And what is a calamity trigger? Is it like an item you use to trigger a calamity? I have beaten this game and I still don't even know.

Blazblue: Continuum Shift - It's like they're trying to one-up themselves here with nonsensical crap. Continuum Shift sounds more like a corporate buzzword. Next up, Blazblue: Leverage Synergy.

Parasite Eve: The Third Birthday - So I guess they are trying to say its the third PE game? Why not call it Parasite Eve 3? If this game doesn't actually take place at a birthday party I will be super pissed.

Metroid: Other M - What is the other M?? Is it Mayonnaise? Mullets? Micromachines?? Ten bucks says they never even explain this one in the game.

Infinite Undiscovery - How exactly do you un-discover something anyway? We call that hiding stuff, genius. But it's also INFINITE! I picture a game about a guy that goes around burying treasure forever. That's probably more interesting than whatever the game is actually about.

Infinite Space - I love how redundant it is, without really telling us anything about the game.

Demon's Souls - Not a bad name, but the "apostrophe s" throws it all off. They weren't content with Demon Souls, they had to make sure we understand that these are the souls possessed by the demons.

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor - I can't comment on the first half, because I have no idea what it means. But how do you survive the freaking DEVIL? Or does it mean that you ARE the devil and you've survived? Or is it based on the hit reality tv series, Survivor? So many questions, so few answers...

Flower, Sun, and Rain - This sounds like a gardening simulator, but it's actually a murder mystery. Neat.

Arc Rise Fantasia - Maybe if you're a fan of these games you know what this means. To me it's just gibberish.

Monster Hunter Tri - So this is monster hunter 3, basically. But they were too cool to call it that so it's Tri instead. Nice try guys, I see through your little charade.

Fuck You Cougars

Nobody likes you, you crap faced feline fucks. Go ride a wheelbarrow full of dicks right up your own butthole.


Why yes, I am currently playing Red Dead Redemption.

Scott Pilgrim DS Case

In celebration of the Scott Pilgrim movie (which is awesome), here is a picture of the custom Nintendo DS case I made a while ago.

Pic of the Day

Deus Ex : Human Revolution

Just in case your curious about this Deus Ex game Big D mentioned in his Epic Mickey post, here's the latest trailer for the new one.



Hopefully Square will find a way to squeeze in some obnoxious teenagers and a talking cat before it's released. :P

CoD: Call of Doom

This actually looks pretty awesome and I want to play it now.

Epic Mickey

This is pretty old news to most people, but in case you weren't aware of the new game from Disney Interactive, check out this new trailer.

It looks...troubling. Here's one of those games that probably sounded great during the brainstorming session, but as production went on and executive meddling increased, it sort of became something else.

When the game was first announced it had a ton of appeal. A game starring the classic, silent Mickey Mouse fighting through a dystopian Magic kingdom to defeat Oswald the lucky rabbit (Walt's original character). Created by a guy by the name of Warren Spector, who also worked on a little game called DEUS EX!!! Some amazingly bleak and grotesque looking concept art was leaked and I was super hyped for this game.

Well as time went on and more details were revealed, Warren admitted that he pushed the concept too far and the suits at Disney decided maybe he should reign it back in. So instead of this:


We are getting this:

Alas, what could have been. They even managed to screw up the name. At first I thought "Epic Mickey" was a lame code name for a work in progress, like Dolphin for the N64. But nope, this is what they are sticking with. Someone should tell these nimrods that epic is quite possibly the most overused adjective of our generation.

Homer's Odyssey was epic. The battle of Kursk was epic. Someone discovering that you can make a sandwich using 2 pieces of chicken as a bun was epic. This shit certainly is not epic. Come on Warren, you can do better than this.

Scott Pilgrim vs the World: The Game

So I picked this game up on PSN the other day (XBLA version is out in a few weeks) and played the first couple of levels. My impressions so far?

It's sweet. How sweet? Hella. This is a really fun side-scrolling brawler that borrows tons from River City Ransom and other NES games, yet somehow feels very fresh and unique. You level up and learn new moves, and buy upgrades and health foods in stores. There's 4 player co-op, but sadly no online play.

It may be a movie tie-in game, but it has much more to do with the Scott Pilgrim comic. There are tons of references and characters here that probably won't show up in the movie. I loved seeing all the places from the comics in their pixellated glory. If you never read the comic, or aren't a fan then you will probably miss out on a lot of the cool little details to be found here. However there's more than enough here to keep anyone satisfied.

Like I said before, the gameplay is classic 4 player style beat em up. If you liked X-Men, The Simpsons, or Turtles in Time in the arcades then you will get a big kick out of this game. Everything about the presentation has tons of old school charm. The graphics, animations, music, and menus all bring back memories of a simpler time.

Know what else? This game is freaking HARD. Like a good NES game should be. If it was in the arcades, it would eat your quarters so fast you'd be doing your laundry in the sink. Just like old school beat em ups, it can be really frustrating at times. Enemies will knock you and juggle you back and forth. There's a block button but it seems useless as guys will usually wait till the second you stop blocking to attack. I don't mind hard games but this feels a little cheap.

If you're interested in the game, you owe it to yourself to try the demo on PSN. It's actually pretty long and gives a good idea of what the game is like. Personally I think 10 bucks is a steal for this much entertainment.

Nerf Guns

Ok so this isn't exactly game related, so sue me Jaison! If you are a pathetic manchild like me then chances are you hunger for the electric thrill that can only be caused by shooting your friends with foam darts.

Apparently Nerf realized that nerdy young men have much more disposable income than children and designed Nerf guns to appeal to them as well. I mean, just LOOK at this stuff!

New Ace Combat

Apologies for not posting much actual content lately, but there have been so many amazing trailers popping up with the fall season just around the corner. Like this one!

As Jaison will probably tell you, I freaking LOVE Ace Combat. I love fighter jets and Ace Combat is one of the very few games that strikes a good balance between arcade fun and flying simulation.

However what I DON'T love about the AC games is all the whiney, philosophical anime bullshit they often bring. "Is man doomed to repeat the wars of the past? How can a new peace be forged through violence? Is our reality someone else's dream, and if so what happens to us when they awake?"

I don't fucking CARE about that stuff!! All I want to do is fly in planes while blowing shit up and look wicked cool while doing it. I want to pilot a F-14 with Goose as my co-pilot, shooting the crap out of ruskies while Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone blasts in my ears. This looks like the closest Ace Combat will ever come to my dream.

CoD Black Ops Multiplayer

Beep deep a doop, incoming transmission.


We can complain about how bullshit it looks, and how they have learned NOTHING from MW 2, but we will both be playing this on launch day. See ya there, Jaison.

Vanquish - My pre-emptive GOTY

Yep, I am calling this as my game of the year right now. It looks that good. In case you haven't heard of Vanquish, it's a new third person shooter developed by Platinum studio and created by Shinji Mikami, a little guy you may know as the creator of RESIDENT EVIL!!

I was initially put off by the generic looking suit the main character wears. Looks like a Japanese take on Master Chief. But after seeing the gameplay videos, hot DAMN. It looks like Gears of War meets Bayonetta....IN SPACE. My boner for this game has reached epic proportions.

Fudge FAQ

Since starting this blog we have been focusing more on trying to write/draw funny or interesting stuff. But it just occurred to me that we haven't really even introduced ourselves. So allow me to dip into the mail bag and answer a few Frequently Asked Questions.


Q: Who are you guys anyway and why should I care?

A: We are Dan and Jaison, two incredibly cool and handsome friends who went to college together. We both studied animation and while I was pretty terrible at it, Jaison is some kind of art genius. Which is why I mostly write and he does the creative.


Q: What made you assholes think the world needs another video game blog?

A: We spend most of our free time either playing games, reading about them or talking about them. It always bugged us that there are some things other sites never talk about. We figured if nothing else this would be cathartic. Sometimes you gotta do a thing.

Q: Do you guys really live together?

A: No that's just a rumor.

Q: In your reviews why don't you guys use any kind of point or grade system?

A: Because statistics can prove anything, 98% of people know that. Also, scores are pointless when it comes to describing how much we actually enjoy a game. Do you rate everything else in life on a point scale? "Yeah honey that roast beef was pretty good, I'd give it a 7.5 at least!" or "That sex was pretty decent. I give it a 6.8 because you stopped trying at the end." You won't be getting either of those again...

Q: You guys suck!

A: That's not really a question, but we are aware.

Q: Why don't you guys do many comics?

A: Because Jaison is a lazy sack. Ok he is actually working 2 jobs and barely has time to organize my action figures, let alone draw anything. He also has this weird disorder where everything he makes has to be QUALITY. I know, it's hella strange. I am much more in favor of quantity, regardless of quality.

Q: What ever happened to your series on MMOs?

A: Ahehe. That would be me dragging my ass like a dog on a new shag carpet. It turns out just thinking about MMOs makes me depresssed, and it's not much fun to write when you're depressed. It is in the tubes though, and it WILL be a humdinger I promise.

Q: D0 you w@nt INSANT PL3ASURES??? Try New PEnis Patch 14" inch meat poles guananteed!!!

A: Ok I think that one was actually spam. Can't argue with meat poles though!

Well that's it for this edition. If you have any questions you'd like to see in a possible future installment, email them to us at Gamefudge1@gmail.com

Won't Get Fooled Again

So guess what appeared on Gametrailers today?

That's right, the next Dirt game! Nice try, Chodemasters. After the boring turd fest that was Dirt 2 I'll be staying away from this one. Get off your asses and work on the next Grid game, for pete sake!

Minecraft - Impressions

If you keep up with a lot of gaming news, chances are you have heard of a little indie game called Minecraft. I heard it mentioned a couple of times, but never really got a good explanation of what kind of game it actually WAS. So I decided to check things out for myself.

On the website I found a free browser based version that you can play, or you can buy the full thing for 9 euros (About 13 bucks). The free version is basically a building mode. You get blocks and build stuff. It's like playing with legos, which is always fun. The graphics are super simplistic and if you called them ugly, it would be hard to argue. I like them though, it has a charming sort of retro feel.



The pay version is where the real fun begins. But before I get into that, allow me to explain a little more about Minecraft. Basically it was created by one guy in his spare time. Later he quit his job to work on the game full-time. He lives off the money from people pre-purchasing the game.

"What's this pre-purchase?" you say. Well basically the game is still in development. It's in the alpha stage right now. Soon it will move into beta, then release version. If you buy it right now you get access to all future versions, but if you wait till release the price will be 20 euros. After hearing all the praise for this game, I figure I have got to support this guy. For less than the price of a shitty-ass map pack, no less!


Ok so I bought the game. Now how does it actually play? Well basically it is a sandbox in the purest sense of the term. You are dumped into the middle of a massive, randomly generated world with no map and no directions. Sound scary? You have no idea. The game tells you nothing. You gotta figure this shit out, son! If you are a person who constantly needs direction and for the game to tell you what to do (like Jaison) this game will probably give you a brain explosion.

I had to talk to people, consult Minecraft wiki and just experiment to find out how things work. Some people can't stand that. I happen to LOVE figuring things out. Here's what I figured out so far.


First, everything in the game has to be crafted (MineCRAFT, I guess). So first you punch down a couple trees to get some wood. Then you craft the wood into a work bench. Then you make planks and sticks which you can turn into pickaxes. Now you can mine some rocks to make better pickaxes. Sweet! You can also craft weapons and armor to kill the monsters that come out at night. Or you can build yourself a fort to hide in when they come around.

You can build minecarts to get around faster, or boats to explore the ocean. You can dig down deep underground and find massive caverns filled with gems, minerals and probably monsters. You can build structures so huge and detailed that your imagination is the limit.

Now I hear you asking "Ok...so what is the actual point of the game?" I am a little surprised to say that there isn't one. You set your own goals and play until you stop having fun. That hasn't happened to me yet. It definitely is not a game for everyone. But if you are the kind of person who, when given a test paper in school, would immediately turn it over and start drawing on the back, this game might be for you.

The Power of Starcraft

The other day we were having a discussion about why some people we know are going absolutely mental over Starcraft 2. All I can say to you Jaison is, Thank God we don't live in Korea.


Holy shit, it's like The X-Games, a pro wrestling match and The Wizard combined. They even have their own intro sequence and everything! BAD ASS!!